Toss it all back to Christ, and God.

I am not sure where to go today? I think I gotta toss it all back to Christ, and God.

This is what I wrote, and was actually asked to read in front of my Church, on the day I was baptised. Actually, both my husband, and I both were that day. It was June of 2007.

I wrote the following:

I grew up being taught to believe in God, and Christ. I was raised in a very traditional Methodist Church. We went every Sunday. I attended Sunday School, conformation class, and sang in the church choir.

I was disturbed about, the gossip I heard after the service...during the coffee hour. I didn't much like Church then. I thought it was boring, and droll. My brother, and I often had a mad game of dots, or tick, tack, toe, to pass the time.

As I grew into an adult, I questioned religion. I started to believe hat all churches, where hypocrites. I still felt spiritual, but I was not exactly sure what was exactly "out there." I knew there was something greater than myself, just not sure what. I stayed in that place for many years.

I went through a divorce, I was in NY at the time of 9/11...I had just moved there the week prior. I was a model...I was booked solid for fashion week. Then 9/11. My career went to sorry, shit. I was angry on a number of levels.

After some time I did meet my husband...things did get better, but not a lot. A few months into the relationship, I had a mental breakdown.  It was during the creepy uncle, reunion times. I was still abusing alcohol. I began to reach out to GOD from my darkness. I thought about finding a church, but at the time it seemed a daunting task. Most of my prayers at the time were foxhole prayers.

I got my second DWI, and knew there was no avoiding jail time. It was my first in WI...Which will be important later...I am having to re-write what I had initially wrote, for the baptism,  and I will address a bit later.

 Anyway, I knew at that point I was an alcoholic. I just could not admit it. Fear overcame me. I was so defeated, so broken. There was no lie, no avoidance tactic that would not let my husband, my  children, my family, my friends, and my neighbors from knowing I was going to jail.

The foxhole prayers, were replaced by prayers of strength, and forgiveness. After many months in AA, and many relapses, I got down on my knees one night. It was an experience that I can't exactly describe. It was an experience I will never forget. I felt something, I am sure it was God come over my body. It was an experience I will never forget. I still had jail ahead of me, I was no longer so afraid. I started not to be so concerned about what ohters' thought of me. I had the strength to walk through things that terrified me.

Selfishness has been replaced with a desire to help others. Difficult relationships have become easy. Sobriety, is a gift. It was all because of the grace of GOD!.

Please see more that follows...I fell again, more than once. I still believe, it is only through the grace of God...I am here to speak.

Thanks.