I want to Scream, and then I pray.

I thought I had writer's block for the last few weeks...so sorry for that. I had been stuck so stuck. I have felt  so frustrated....I just wanted to SCREAM!!!! I am not even sure why.

I have been struggling with my  DS, with his dad.....with the fact that I so think it is important to have a relationship with his dad.

I have been struggling with work...mostly the death...death is hard.

I have been struggling with my husband, the both of us trying to figure it all out. Sometimes we don't do it so well.

I want to have a "girlie" relationship with my DD, that I think I have to work at so hard.

Maybe it was not writer's block...maybe it was just not  facing facts. Maybe, no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I pray...I can't make it better.

I still pray everyday. I am a mom, and I will ALWAYS try to fix it.  I will ALWAYS try to make the people at work laugh when I am about to stick them with a needle.

I still wonder why. Why do I pray so hard? Why do things get so difficult?  How can I fix them?

What if I can't fix them?

That's all I have to say about that.

Ok..I can't sleep...so now The Worst of the Worst of the New Years...

Ok, So I told the story of the booze in the duffel bag in my home..the home of a drunk...the home where that is NEVER allowed. If you don't know the story back it up and read.

OK, So same day...I had to work on New Years Eve..again back it up and read the hospital horn blowing. BUT, yes the horn blowing came only after the tears. My tears.

I guess this is why it took me so long to post this. It is still  so hard now. Breathe in...Breathe out...

So It was that we were planning on having "our" family Christmas on New Year's day". My Son , decided to be such an ass the day before. I might have been able to forgive the dufel bag on the back deck.

But, Just before I went to work that day....ya the day I made nurses mad, but patientce happy...ya that day..I had to suck back tears. I had to suck back tears because my son  had many bottles, of booze, some empty, some full. I tried to trust him. It is so unfortunate I can't. I can't even  believe I missed it...I feel so stupid.

His step-father asked if he wanted to be punished, or beaten.

It was not a good day.

I am forever trying to do the ight thing, I am forever praing to God,

I KNOW..I KNOW...I am off tomorrow..I will fill you all in.

So much to say so little time. Call me a jackass for not keeping up. Call me what you will. Some of the stuff is hard...some of it is not.  I feel like I need to deal with the hard stuff first. I need to blog about the thing that is most difficult.

Sometimes, I have a hard time just spitting it out. I feel I need to deal with one thing before the next. I may have a funny story to tell, but the fact that it is hard to tell the story at hand, makes it hard to move on.

I get stuck where I am. I get stuck, because I have to finish this place before I can move forward.

Again, sorry to all. Yet, my blog, my rules. I will finish my previous story tomorrow. I promise...I promise, promise. No matter how hard.

Thank you all for your patience.

And Now for the Worst of New Year's...

The morning of New Year's Eve starts like this....

So, My DH brought me coffee in bed (as he usually does)...followed by the statement,"I think you should drink your coffee before I show you what is in this duffel bag". I took his advice, and downed about half a cup of coffee before the curiosity killed me. I asked him where he had found the duffel bag. It was on the lower deck of our home. The deck outside of our walk out basement (clearly visible from any window on that side of the house above the basement).

In the duffel bag was a half bottle of Smirnoff vodka (cranberry), several beers, and  some plant brackets. I KNOW, the plant brackets will come into play later in the story.

The boy, my DS, happened to have a friend over, and they were crashed in the boy cave (my very nice family room in the basement, guest bed room on one side...including a full bath, truly a very lovely space...usually). The boy cave was a good thing, I thought. It was nice they would contain the mess to that floor of the house, I would make them all bring up trash after an all night video game marathon, the noise did not bug us when we wanted to go to sleep, AND the kids were at my home, where the parents were on the premises.

Anyway...back to the story. So I told hubby to make breakfast(as he often does, for whom ever has crashed here on the weekend). He made french toast and sausage. I put the duffel bag in plain sight under a kitchen desk, which is next to the table. As my DS, and friend were eating breakfast, I waited. We chatted a bit, mostly they were still wiping the sleep out of their eyes. Finally my DS's eyes locked in on the duffel bag. He got up from the table, and went down to the basement. He returned a few moments later. He tried to remain calm. I then asked the kids, "What are your plans for tonight'? The response was, "....Uh, not sure yet". I responded, "Do you plans include THIS"? While asking the question, I pulled out the duffel bag and slammed the booze on the table.

Dumb looks fell across their faces. I of course, asked, "Where did you get this'? He said a friend brought it over in the duffel bag. "REALLY"!? At that point DH said, "That is my duffel bag" (the duffel  bag that was holding the plant hangers, why the plant hangers where in the duffel, IDK...non-the-less boys are dumb).

This other kid's mom is also  drunk, an active drunk.

I went on with a speech about...Both your mom's are drunks. This mom is working hard to be healthy. "Booze, in my home is NEVER ok". I asked his friend that was here if he had brought it. He said, "No, I did not. But I did drink it".

Clearly I was pissed. As an alcoholic  I know I can over react. I dismissed them from breakfast, and told my DS we would talk more later.

Oh but wait there is more....
Unfortunately, I need to go to work now.

Stay tuned.

It was the Best of New Year's, It was the worst of New Year's.

I loosely borrow this from Charles Dickens. I do, however feel it is a bit fitting. You can find the rest of the quote below.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."


So anyway, let me tell you a story..or two.
 
One of them goes like this...
 
I had to work on New Years Eve. The whole lights on the blood draw cart thing during Christmas went over so huge.I knew I had to top it (If you are a new reader...back it up a few). And top it I would. Ya see my hubby, and I have been having over the top non-drinking New Year's parties for years. I have a plethora of hats, horns, lays, noise makers, the works.
 
Well, I must tell you, because I had to work, I made SURE that every patient in the hospital had a hat, a lay, and all had horns, and noise makers.
 
It was awesome. It was amazing. It was WAY out of hospital protocol. It was my mission to stop in EVERY room....most often blowing a horn as I entered. Yes, I did. The horn was followed by a VERY loud "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!"  I then adorned the patients with their crown, or hat of choice...as well as their horn, or noise maker of choice.
 
I had 80 year old women blowing horns, while wearing a tiara, I would joke with some of the men as I put a lay over their head(in front of their wife) " I bet you never thought you would get layed in a hospital".
 
OMG, It was SOOOO cool. Some of the patients have no family, some have family that don't come.
 
It was mostly a slow day.....I got to goof off a ton, and visit.
 
In the midst's of the fun I got called to a "code" I really think there needs to be no more explication. I was mid "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and my phone rang...we all carry phones....all the time. I had to cut my current visit short because I had to take off my party hat...get rid of the new years stuff on my cart....and be a part of saving a life.
 
We saved the life. When things settled down a bit, I continued on my party path. I, in fact, had to call my husband to bring me more hats, lays, and noise makers.
 
I continued where I had left off before the code. I met so many people. I was so happy I could at least make them smile...if only for a moment.
 
I can tell you this.....as I got calls to draw blood on various floors....I could hear the horns a blowing.
 
Yeah, the nurses hated me. Apparently the patients chose to use their horns instead of the nurse call button.
 
I ran into one of the hospital security guys.....He let me know that the horn blowing, "Hurt his ears".
 
Whatever, the most fun for most of the patients in a long time.
 
So that was the best of New Year's...The worst will follow.

Running Away From My Blog...not wanting to deal

Ok, Ok....I know, I know. It has been some time since my last blog. I have many stories to tell, some good some not so good.

I began this whole thing to be healing, to be honest, to get my thoughts out of my head so they don't make me crazy.

Well, I am feeling a bit crazy, so I KNOW I need to blog.  Some things, I have wanted to share, I wasn't sure I should. And then I thought, the whole point is to be honest. A bit of a struggle.

I have pissed off my family, I have thrown myself under the bus...I now must push forward.

That being said...on my day off...I need to take my dogs for a long walk on the frozen river(very peaceful), work on "un-decorating" my home, and a bit of cleaning.

I PROMISE, I PROMISE, PROMISE....I will add more posts today.

Thank you all for your support, and patience.




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