To my dear friend...

Dear friend,

The years have past, and we grow old (physically, not mentally...hopefully). You have often been my voice of reason, and last summer my rock.

I know that we have gone years and not said a word, I know that it was my fault...for that I am sorry. I am so glad that we have each other back.  I just want you to know that I am ALWAYS here for you no matter what.

I can't imagine what your mind must be going through. I only pray that you DS will be just fine. I wish I could wave a magic wand, and make it all better. I feel like there are no words that I can say, that will help. So, I will just say, I love you, and will be thinking about you all day tomorrow.

I do want to also include this poem from a friend of mine. I, am so not trying to make you cry...It does make me cry every time. But it is a "good" cry.

Be well, and I will be praying!



So many feelings in my head today

you seem so young to be on your way

But with tearful eyes and a smiling face

I sent you off with a long embrace.

I hid my tears as you were leaving


for fear you'd see how my heart was grieving.

I whispered to you "Be brave and strong,


Mommy will be back before too long."

As I looked into your eyes, I knew

it was me who needed those words, not you!

Has it really been five years gone by?

Since first I sang that lullaby

to a tiny baby, so soft and round,


calmed only by my heart's sound?

The years rushed by so quickly dear


and now each moment seems so clear;


first steps, first words, first secret whispers,

first time you held your baby sisters.

Your best friend is a brown stuffed bunny.


You take him everywhere, but itsn't it funny,

today he sits on your favorite chair,

I watched you as you placed him there.

"I go to school today", you said

and gently, patting him on his head,


assured him you'd be back soon


and off you skipped, out of the room.


I stayed there with Bunny, for just a while.


It gave me comfort and made me smile.


Being alone with him, your well worn friend,

as your babyhood days came to an end.

"Mommy, Hurry!" you called to me,

"There's something you just have to see!"

"I drew this picture all my myself,

I cut it out and it's on the shelf.

It's a caterpillar and a butterfly.

I drew it for you, do you know why?"

You placed the picture in my hand.


"Come on Mom, don't you understand?"

"This is just like me today!


I've changed, like him and can fly away!"

My eyes welled up with pride and tears.

You're wise, my child, beyond your years.

I knew it then, you were truly ready.

So with newfound strength and hands more steady,

off we went to a brand new start

with only happiness in my heart.

We walked together up the hall,

your hand in mine, still so small.

Your teacher was wiating there at the door,

so I knelt down then, just one thing more.

In your ear I whispered, "fly my child."

You knew my meaning and you smiled.

So many feelings in my head today.

But, I know you are ready to be on your way.

The following is a link to the origional blog.

http://trying2getit.blogspot.com/2010/08/moms-poem-via-great-mom-and-good-friend.html

I'm BAAAACK!

I have a whole lot to talk about. Stay tuned.

I also, have my first priority to blog about it will be done in the next hour.

Clearly, I have had a major writers block AGAIN.

Thanks.

Running out the Neighbor! Running out the Neighbor! OK so this is a bit complex, hurtful, and funny at the same time. I must start this story buy saying that when my hubby and I moved back from out East, we mad a conscience choice to be as close to the kid's dad as we could. Well, when you are in a sleepy town that has NO stoplights...the options are limited. The kid's dad and I had a VERY nice home. DH and I found a really nince home as well.. It was one neighborhood over a few streets  It was the TOTAL package,.Elite neighborhood in the town...same bus stop as the kids's dad... (Pre-divorce)There were times, when  the kid's dad and  I would go for a walk, and had a dream of living there.(HERE) Now I did live there. We did have good times, not all bad. I need every divorced parent, and child to know it was not all just bad...There were many good times. My move was not to live in THAT neighborhood, but  it was the only option.  To be quite honest the ONLY reason I lived so close WAS only for the kids.  At the  end of the day it was a choice I made about my children. The main reason was so the kids would be close enough to share a bus stop, and go back n foutth between houses... Well, I had to tell you that story, to tell ya the next one. Ok so there is a neighbor...that thinks we don't belong here...we don't drive the right cars(no BMW or Mercedeses). The woman was subdivision President for years. I had been away for a girls weekend. a few years ago....He(DH) went to the subdivision meeting. I SD don't bother...He went and became the subdiviosion..Secterery.I sd he would be sorry. Neighborrhood politics, crap that is worse that running for Senate. So DH was sectery for a couple years.  They asked him to be Pres".I sd u did what?"   I also sd I will not field any calls, and not deal with ANY of the  neighbors' phone calls"...You chose it u deal..... He did not.listen...he accepted. OMG.  The bitch that was the former Pres...( frist house built) Whent on to say what a," looser his wife he had...ya know being a dunk and all."(it was worse than that) that was about 2 weeks after he had signed up. Thank GOD I married somene that had a clue....That is all I will say about that. She accused me of being the "town drunk", So stupid (more on that in a bit) My hubby Immedatietly resigned. Well the neighboor hood wanted to know WHY?....DH sent a letter explaining that NO ONE wouold  talk about his wife/family that way.... Now... our next door neighbor is Pres.( also kind of our adoptive parents)'.  The same woman would bitch about out dogs running loose. AND they Don't! I must say on occasion,...when I am taking them for a swim or, to  run in the woods they have escaped. But I am RIGHT there and ALWAYS respective all and, am right behind them. No one else has an issue... I will also say that there are many dogs in the neighborhood. And that my DH goes once a week and cleans up poop on the general grounds that is so not our dog's...He just does.  It doesen't  matter who's poop. So BITCH called the police on me....now this happened to be a day that I was having to deal with my dad's VERY advanced Altz.... I will fully admit to being in bed crying. That same day she called the cops in Waterford, and gave them a poop in a bag...I guess from her yard. ,and told them to come to my home. Sadly my son knew why I was upset. My boy answerd the door....to be met by "the neighbor, and police" Before she called the police my DS had been at home...and KNEW no one was off the leash or "running around the neighborhood." She had already SCREAMED at DS.. This woman proceeded to tell my son what a LOOSER I was, and to further lamblast me. Oh, and I was the "Town Drunk"... the fact of the mater is I never have drank in town since my ex husband.(around 2000) .It is frustrating that she continues to bitch to my neighbors. She is right I am a drunk, but  am constantly addressing the issue and have been sober for almost a year now. This woman went on a blitz, bitching to EVERYONE(in the neighboorhood) that I was a drunk, and I had served jail time. AGAIN I live in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in town...not by choice, but by convience. GREAT! I know I am a drunk, as well , do  my children. I was VERY pissed...I slept on it for days. I finally told my hubby, and son I need to confront her....It was the march of  WTF. I walked up rang her bell, her hubby cane to the door. I asked for HER, I had my hubby , and son behind me like hench men. I asked her if she sd what she did to my son....She never denied it...she told me I was crazy and to "get off of her property." long story longer...in this VERY exclusive neighboorhood where I live...with DS, and Hubby behind me, I yelled at the top of my lungs...on a very nice spring/summer day when everyone was outside....," Let me save you the trouble...I AM A DRUNK, I AM A FUCKING DRUNK!....ok so now that we are clear...I think we are done". She again INSISTED I get of her property. Oh so the reason was she called the cops...was there was poop in her yard.... We live in a neighborrhood of dogs but she called the police on me. I think I finally know that  she believes the we do not belong here. We don't drive the right cars...blah blah. NOW,I have  made SURE my dogs NEVER walk that way...we leash them...we DO let them swim on our pier, WE do not let them run loose, EXCEPT for Ginger who is  18 in "real" years. We live on a caudasac. At times I let her out, but watch her out the window...she goes out like 50 times a day...which AGAIN I take full responsibility for. EVERYONE love us...well we give them veggies, and whatever I can. OK so now the funny part...we are so not white trash, but what happens next is too funny to me. OK so remember last week when I was making jam, and canning...I had left some friut on for a bit too long, and trashed a pot.... OK so DH sd takes it out of the trash...I could try to powerwash it. I fished it out of the trash...it soaked in the garage for about a week. As DH was powerwashing the birdcage (blue/gold macwaw). I sd, "oh the pan."...so DH the GREAT, really cool neighbors accross the street have company. So  now we are in a u hold it...no u hold it battle. So he finally holds the pan, as I BLAST him...it was soo funny. Just as DD was pulling in from work, we traded. Ok so just imagine this photo....in one of the most "exclusive" neighborhoods in the "throbing metropolis" of Waterford....My DH is holding the pan that I burned fruit onto....while I have the power washer in hand...in the street...as that happens...the ppl that think we are so low-brow" happen to pass by. My response..."No Wonder why They are Moving?" All I have to say is EVERYONE else got jam, and picklels...."NO JAM 4 YOU!" I know I am a bit scatered...I also know when someone IS just mean....I

draft

12:34:00 PM Running out the Neighbor! Running out the Neighbor! OK so this is a bit complex, hurtful, and funny at the same time. I must start this story buy saying that when my hubby and I moved back from out East, we mad a conscience choice to be as close to the kid's dad as we could. Well, when you are in a sleepy town that has NO stoplights...the options are limited. The kid's dad and I had a VERY nice home. DH and I found a really nince home as well.. It was one neighborhood over a few streets  It was the TOTAL package,.Elite neighborhood in the town...same bus stop as the kids's dad... (Pre-divorce)There were times, when  the kid's dad and  I would go for a walk, and had a dream of living there.(HERE) Now I did live there. We did have good times, not all bad. I need every divorced parent, and child to know it was not all just bad...There were many good times. My move was not to live in THAT neighborhood, but  it was the only option.  To be quite honest the ONLY reason I lived so close WAS only for the kids.  At the  end of the day it was a choice I made about my children. The main reason was so the kids would be close enough to share a bus stop, and go back n foutth between houses... Well, I had to tell you that story, to tell ya the next one. Ok so there is a neighbor...that thinks we don't belong here...we don't drive the right cars(no BMW or Mercedeeses). The woman was subdivision President for years. I had been away for a girls weekend. a few years ago....He(DH) went to the subdivision meeting. I SD don't bother...He went and became the subdiviosion..Secterery.I sd he would be sorry. Neighborrhood politics, crap that is worse that running for Senate. So DH was sectery for a couple years.  They asked him to be Pres".I sd u did what?"   I also sd I will not field any calls, and not deal with ANY of the  neighbors' phone calls"...You chose it u deal..... He did not.listen...he accepted. OMG.  The bitch that was the former Pres...( frist house built) Went  on to say what a," looser his wife he had...ya know being a dunk and all."(it was worse than that) that was about 2 weeks after he had signed up. Thank GOD I married somene that had a clue....That is all I will say about that. She accused me of being the "town drunk", So stupid (more on that in a bit) My hubby Immedatietly resigned. Well the neighboor hood wanted to know WHY?....DH sent a letter explaining that NO ONE wouold  talk about his wife/family that way.... Now... our next door neighbor is Pres.( also kind of our adoptive parents)'.  The same woman would bitch about out dogs running loose. AND they Don't! I must say on occasion,...when I am taking them for a swim or, to  run in the woods they have escaped. But I am RIGHT there and ALWAYS respective all and, am right behind them. No one else has an issue... I will also say that there are many dogs in the neighborhood. And that my DH goes once a week and cleans up poop on the general grounds that is so not our dog's...He just does.  It doesen't  matter who's poop. So BITCH called the police on me....now this happened to be a day that I was having to deal with my dad's VERY advanced Altz.... I will fully admit to being in bed crying. That same day she called the cops in Waterford, and gave them a poop in a bag...I guess from her yard. ,and told them to come to my home. Sadly my son knew why I was upset. My boy answerd the door....to be met by "the neighbor, and police" Before she called the police my DS had been at home...and KNEW no one was off the leash or "running around the neighborhood." She had already SCREAMED at DS.. This woman proceeded to tell my son what a LOOSER I was, and to further lamblast me. Oh, and I was the "Town Drunk"... the fact of the mater is I never have drank in town since my ex husband.(around 2000) .It is frustrating that she continues to bitch to my neighbors. She is right I am a drunk, but  am constantly addressing the issue and have been sober for almost a year now. This woman went on a blitz, bitching to EVERYONE(in the neighboorhood) that I was a drunk, and I had served jail time. AGAIN I live in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in town...not by choice, but by convience. GREAT! I know I am a drunk, as well , do  my children. I was VERY pissed...I slept on it for days. I finally told my hubby, and son I need to confront her....It was the march of  WTF. I walked up rang her bell, her hubby cane to the door. I asked for HER, I had my hubby , and son behind me like hench men. I asked her if she sd what she did to my son....She never denied it...she told me I was crazy and to "get off of her property." long story longer...in this VERY exclusive neighboorhood where I live...with DS, and Hubby behind me, I yelled at the top of my lungs...on a very nice spring/summer day when everyone was outside....," Let me save you the trouble...I AM A DRUNK, I AM A FUCKING DRUNK!....ok so now that we are clear...I think we are done". She again INSISTED I get of her property. Oh so the reason was she called the cops...was there was poop in her yard.... We live in a neighborrhood of dogs but she called the police on me. I think I finally know that  she believes the we do not belong here. We don't drive the right cars...blah blah. NOW,I have  made SURE my dogs NEVER walk that way...we leash them...we DO let them swim on our pier, WE do not let them run loose, EXCEPT for Ginger who is  18 in "real" years. We live on a caudasac. At times I let her out, but watch her out the window...she goes out like 50 times a day...which AGAIN I take full responsibility for. EVERYONE love us...well we give them veggies, and whatever I can. OK so now the funny part...we are so not white trash, but what happens next is too funny to me. OK so remember last week when I was making jam, and canning...I had left some friut on for a bit too long, and trashed a pot.... OK so DH sd takes it out of the trash...I could try to powerwash it. I fished it out of the trash...it soaked in the garage for about a week. As DH was powerwashing the birdcage (blue/gold macwaw). I sd, "oh the pan."...so DH the GREAT, really cool neighbors accross the street have company. So  now we are in a u hold it...no u hold it battle. So he finally holds the pan, as I BLAST him...it was soo funny. Just as DD was pulling in from work, we traded. Ok so just imagine this photo....in one of the most "exclusive" neighborhoods in the "throbing metropolis" of Waterford....My DH is holding the pan that I burned fruit onto....while I have the power washer in hand...in the street...as that happens...the ppl that think we are so low-brow" happen to pass by. My response..."No Wonder why They are Moving?" All I have to say is EVERYONE else got jam, and picklels...."NO JAM 4 YOU!" I know I am a bit scatered...I also know when someone IS just mean....I draft 12:34:00 PM b

b

Applesauce!!!!!

Look, I know..I have much to talk about, and I will get back to it. I also did mention, that when a thought worth writing about came into my head, I would stop what I was doing, and write.

So applesauce. I went to visit my very old friend..the one we planted the garden for last year, the one, DH, and I recently spent some time with in the ER, because his house was filled with smoke, and he was un responsive...yes that one. If you are new to the blog go back and read. Anyway, I stopped today for two reasons. I did stop to visit and check on him, but he has something  between who cans, a glory world of jars, or something from that show "Hording, Buried Alive." The other reason is that, I care, and just see to need if he needs anything.

 He also has a friend that stops by on a daily basis...who is 80 years old....a mear 14 years his younger. When I stopped, I noticed his 80 year old's  truck was parked out front.I have often sat and chatted with both. I knocked, I waited. Maybe they were in the potty, the throne...I petted his cat "Buffy", and I waited a few more moments. His friend, and my old buddy just pulled up. His friend had takin him shopping at Walmart for some groceries. As they pulled up, I could tell something was not right. It was a diabetic situation. I ran to the car.He could not walk, he was pretty unresponsive. His buddy, and I one under each arm manuvered our friend to the porch.  Unfortunately, I was the stonger of the two of us, so I  lifted him up every stair. We sat him down,  made him drink a MAJOR glass of juice, and then were able to move him inside. We fed him some more sugar. SO CUTE, some how he perked up when I offered him a Klondike Bar...lol, eh he was comming around a bit at that moment...I hear they are hard to refuse.

The three of us sat and chatted, and his buddy, and I watched him. He came around. I knew he was himself, when he started showing me his drawings. I took his blood at that point, and it was good.

I asked him if I may pick some grapes, and pears to make jam. I pick them from his yard , I make stuff, and give him the result. He said, "SURE!" At that point he started to go to the door...I said, "No, you stay, and rest." He would not have it. I said, "then bring your cane." So he did. It was way too cute.

I kept asking, "Are you OK, are you fine?" He, assured me he was. So we went out to the grapes, and the pear tree....there is also an apple tree (most of the apples have hit the ground), he was a bit upset that the apples were going bad. He ditched his cane in the grapes to deal with the apples on the ground. I said, "Don't worry, we can use these...for pie, or jam, or applesauce." He said, "I would LOVE some applesauce."  I told him I would be happy to make him applesauce (sugar free). At that moment, it was like the scene from "Forest Gump", where the braces fall off his legs as he is running..my friend tossed aside the cane, and was finding the apples below the tree to make applesauce. This is the same man I had to carry into the house an hour earlier.

God, bless him at 94 years young!!!

This holds special meaning to me because, my Grandfather on my father's side (he lived a long happy life) passed away on an afternoon in the early fall .  My Grandmother, asked, if he would like some applesauce. He, said "Yes." Grandma, was in the kitchen making the applesauce from scratch, she would not have it any other way. She went to go give Grandpa his apple sauce, and he had passed in his favorite chair. Grandma, was several years younger, I think, about 15 years. She had a very active life. The night before she passed, she had been out with a girlfriend bought new shoes, and had dinner. She never woke up. They died about 18 months apart form one another. Again, this should not be sad.  OMG, what a super life..to  love, and be loved is really neat! Although, they were years apart, there hearts wanted to be together.

Now, this is not a sad thing for me, or my family. Yes, is it sad to loose anyone, but they loved each other so very much. It hurt, but it was so peaceful. I have no idea if  anyone can understand that.

So applesauce. It will be my first try at it...it is simmering now. I just hope I get it right.

"DID YOU TAKE YOU'RE ANTIBIOTIC?"

OK, so my goals for the day were to get the !@##$$ couponing done, need to vacuum, and first of all blog.  I so far have a kitchen table full of coupons,  adorned with several cats on top of the coupons. I would post a photo, but I don't know how to  get the photos out of my new phone. There is still pet hair that needs to be vacuumed. I am, however, blogging.

I was on the way to the dog park, when my DS, asked to use the car. I said can you wait an hour? AND then I thought, why am I asking. As I drove down our road, I passed by one of the other child's parents that was involved in the "theft ring"... These are parents who know their child messed up, but still got a lawyer(again more on that story to follow) As he drove past me, I wanted to follow him home. I wanted to say that both our kids messed up. I wanted to YELL, "JUST OWN IT"!!!!. I did not  turn around I did not follow him. Instead, I went to my favorite local gas station to get a "Ruby Red" grapefruit juice...my current juice of choice. I will also say it is "Ocean Spray"

With my two dogs in the car, I chose not to go to the dog park. I instead, decided to pick up what looks like half a BBQ'd cow leg, and go home to let the boy use the car.

So what is my thought process in all this you ask? I wonder myself, but I think it goes like this. I did not kill the other kid's dad...good, I did not take the dogs to the park, BUT they are eating half a cow leg I purchased at the gas station, along with my "Ruby Red", I think to both keep them busy, as well the guilt of not going to the dog park.

All of this being true...I also came to the realization, that I still need to get crap done here..like the couponing, and vacuuming. So I let the boy use the car. On his way out I yelled, "Did you take your antibiotic"?

Let's re-cap....shall we?

I feel that this is the best way for me to discuss things. A "list", of sorts if you will?

After the list, I will address item, by item.

So now the list...ug (you must all know at this point I have tears running down my cheek)

I think it is time for intermission....I need a moment.  Feel free to play the radio( or i-pod), watch some T.V., or go to the bathroom for a moment.

In the last 6  weeks, I will list the "stuff" of life. I guess it will be in no particular order...it has been a bit too much to recall the order.

Went home to give mom, a break from dad (who has Alzheimer's)

Brought son with me to hang with g-ma, and g-pa

Son helped with g-pa on golf course...driving the cart...more on that in an earlier post.

Let son go hang with friends the day we got back from "up north"

Son crashed my car the next am...(more to follow)

Son got super sick the day after the crash (I wish, I could say he was "playing" sick, but I could not.) The super enlarged paroited gland was real.

The old dog of 18 years is peeing on herself, and I had to make the choice to put her down. I am so struggling with the playing "GOD" issue to this day.

I get the ashes back, and try to include my ex-husband to be a part of it all...she was his dog too.

Ex-hubby was on vacation with family...so I waited until he got back...all the time looking at the ashes of dog in a box on my mantel.

We moved our daughter out into her first apt. (sniff, sniff).

Found out that that my son was involved in a stealing out of parked cars burglary ring. Not stealing cars, but he stole stuff out of cars I have now pretty much think the detective should stay in our guest room at this point.

My hubby's mom, who has needed heart work,  almost passed out at the local diner she goes to on a daily basis, and then was taken to the hospital due to an infection, to be followed by several valve replacements. Oh by the way she lives in Brooklyn NYC.

Hubby's boss (The CEO) at a young age of 60ish, drops dead, while on a hike with his wife in Maine

Son who is almost NEVER sick is sick AGAIN. I took him to urgent care and later had to follow the ambulance to the hospital. He is doing better now.

I might have missed something. There has been a ton. I do feel that at least I have a starting block to work from.

Strength!!!????

Strength?....what is it? What does it mean? Where does it come from? I honestly, don't know. When is too much, too much?.....I honestly, don't know. When, have I had too much?....I don't know.

I know what I have said in my blog. I have much  more to speak  about. I know, that I have not blogged  in too long. I have thought long, and hard about the best way to present the last several weeks of my life. 

Is in a chronological order? Is it by what is most stressful? Is it that I should deal woth most recent thing, and go back to the rest? I really, really  just don't know.

Here is what I do know. I know that writing helps me. I have been told by others, that I am fairly good at it. I also know that at times I make some of my loved ones angry with my truth.

 So now what?

Perhaps a very good question.  I think, I need to move forward.  I think I need to speak. I NEED to speak.

The next few blogs will not be for the faint hearted. Be aware, very aware.

OK, Let's go!!!!

Moments.. interrupted!-ICE HELMENT!



Add caption



I have a TON to talk about. I know I usually try to do this in a chronological  order. I am not so sure that works with my brain right now.  Some things I have spoken about a bit, some things not at all.

I will go into EVERYTHING.  I am, just at this moment getting my brain to connect with my keyboard.

I believe this is my next journey.

But before we go any further, I am in a MAJOR hot-flash, and need to get some ice, in a zip lock bag for my sweating ass.....Please hold.

I wear the ice like a hat on my head. When my DH got home today...and saw me sitting on the throne, with my ice hat...well...I am quite sure he did not think, I was so "hot". I  do have how much ice in a zip lock bag to my top of  my head ratio down to a science. I can ACTUALLY, do chores this way. I will show a photo, probably tomorrow. Holly crap, if I could figure out a way to sell the "ice helmet"....fashionably (of course) I would be rich.

However, because I live in Wisconsin...and not England...we don't have a whole lot of hat wearing here...so that probably will not work. Well..maybe, in private. Who knows? There maybe so many women around the world wearing the "ice helmet" as we speak.

I so need to do a Zip-lock commercial.

Ok, so I was gonna put some make-up on before I posted the "ice helmet" photo....and then, I thought...duh...I am wearing, a %$#@& ICE HELMENT!

I think Ann has  her blogging grove back. Hold on, keep your hand's inside the ride..it will be a hard, funny, sad, and.....quite a wild ride. It has been a super action packed last 6 weeks.

SOOOOOO much more to come.

I need to stop now I might have brain freeze.

Soon!!!

I know, I have not posted in several day. We have a MORE, than a ton going on. I will, I really will. I just can't push my words...they need to come as they come. 

I HOPE by the end of the day, I will have several blogs.

TY, all.

Moments 2....the good!!!

Moments in life..the good, and the bad.

Good moments...in no no order.

1. My children!

2. Fishing with my dad, and brothers.

3. Gardenting with my mom.

4. Going to hang out with my Grand-pa Art at the coffee shop.

5. .Hanging out with my girlfriends, in Jr high, and high School.

6. When my 2nd brother, and I were home alone...when our parent's were at the lake house.

7. The lake house.

8. Waterskiing behind the small fishing boat, with an 18 horse motor, with dad  driving, and mom watching.( I was so little that I could ski behind that boat, I was 16 at the time)

9. My brothers...they were very protective. I can remember one time, I thought I got stood up. Come to find out one of my brothers said, I was not home...while I was getting ready.

10. My family, and this should be higher on the list, but I did say in no particular order. They are all crazy, and so am I...I love them all.

11. My ex-husband, because he gave me two amazing kids.

12.My husband, because he love myself , and my...wait....(our) kids. Although, they are not his, he loves them, and treats them like his own.

I know there is so much more. I just need to stop now..just for now.

Moments!!!!!

I am currently blaring the "Rent" soundtrack...I don't know why but it makes me laugh, and cry at the same time. I believe it was the first NYC Broadway show I took the kids to...when I lived there.  We did see several shows..."The Lion King", "Rent", "Stomp", "Blue Man Group"...to name a few.

It was also the first Broadway show, I had seen...about 2 years before that.

The last few days of my life I have done a ton of thinking. A a whole lot of soul searching. I referenced, A "Rent" song on FB recently. You can find the reference below.

‎525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?


In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.


In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.


In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

...How about love? How about love? How

about love? Measure in love.

Moments. Moments in a day, moments in a year, moments in a lifetime. Do we stop for a moment to appreciate the moments we are given? Do we realize when there is a fleeting moment.? Do we pay attention, do we miss it? Do we see the moment and embrace it? Do we wish we had embraced it, and ask for that moment back, but know we will never get it back? What do we do with that moment of regret? Do we change for the hope of having future moments, that we don't want to miss? Moments.

OK, so my soul searching includes....How do I decide when it is some one's time to die? Does it matter that it is an animal, or a person? What would I want? What is the right thing? What is the wrong choice? How do I know what the right choice is? When do I make that choice?

This entry is going to be more than just one post. I still need to think about all this a bit more. I will share my feelings later. I would also love to hear from any of you readers that has an opinion.

Good Bye Girl!!! I love you!!!

This is Ginger, I know I don't usually use names. Somehow, I think she would be OK with me using her name.

Ginger is a Beagle mix.She has been with us since she was just a bout a year old. She made it through, my ex husband, and my divorce. I moved out East. She stayed with him for a few years. When ,my husband, and I

 moved back..(1/2 mile away from my ex) we took her back. She has always been with one or the other of us her entire life. She has always been with the kids.

She was so protective of them. She would never let anyone in the yard. She watched over them. It was her "job."

Ginger loved to go chipmunk hunting ( I am not so much for killing animals), she rarely caught one...be she loved the hunt.

My ex husband, and I lived on a small lake. One of our neighbors, had a wind surfer. Ginger, in her younger days ALWAYS had to be involved...swam out to hop on the board of the wind surfer with the kids' dad....We laughed...she was a natural.

Ginger tenacious when she needed to be, and so loving when she knew someone needed some love.

I am faced with a REALLY hard choice. I know she is old...super old for a dog...one of the oldest, our vet has ever seen. Her sight is not great, her hearing not so great either, she has some tumors...but they are not painful. Last night, my DD, and I were watching a movie, my DH was at the neighbors...when he came home he yelled for me. I came down to find Ginger convulsing, in her own urine, and poop. She could not stand.

I had to call my ex-husband...it was his dog too. I told him, I was not sure she would make it through the night. He came...I gave him time alone with her.

She was able to stand last night...in the middle of the night. BUT, we have a doggie door onto our deck....My DH found here half in/half out stuck...and again peeing herself.

So how do I play "GOD?" Why can we make this choice for animals?

There have been a ton of tears in this house today. I had my DH carry her to my car. I  told him I needed some time alone with her. I bought her a burger at McDonald's (her favorite), we went for a long car ride...also one of her favorites.

How do I make this choice? What gives me the right?

I do believe that, we will put her to sleep tomorrow. I just can't be there. I can't do it.

I am going to borrow a few lyrics from Karen Tylor Good-----

"Here we are it is time to say good-bye--

Pleasant dreams old friend, may your suffering end as you close your eyes and sleep. Pleasant dreams old friend until we meet again, your sweet memories I will keep. I will be loving you, and missing you old friend"

With tears streaming down my face...I think that is all I have to say about that.

You want the Truth...You, Can't Handle the Truth...

I know that I keep going back to this fucking menopause thing. To be really honest it really sucks. No rainbows, no happy stars, no nothing. It is hard. It is like being in PMS 24/7. If anyone has told you other than that they lie.

It is not like birth, where at the end you get an God given reward. Here, there is stupid emotions, a whole lot of sweat, a bunch of tears, and more sweat...to name a few. As I write this my arms stick to the computer table with sweat.  Lord, I have sweat in places I never knew there was sweat.

I, in the past have always been cold. I now ask my hubby to turn the A/C lower. In the past it was always a fight...I was always cold. Did he trade comfort for a crazy wife?

I sit here now..sweat rolling off my nose..and OMG, I also have cleavage sweat....Disturbing!!!...So what now? The answer is I don't know.

I am angry, I so was so hoping that my DH, and myself would be able to have one or two of our own. It appears, that is not, or never will be the case. That is so hard to take.

Apparently, I am one in 2% of women that go into early menopause.

So why is that? I need to ask. Why, when finally, I met the man of my dreams...that we are never going to have children? He shared with me the other night, that he was very upset too. I had nothing to say. I felt like I failed him. I know it was hard for him to say that to me. I also felt like less of a woman, because there was nothing I could do.

I don't know the right response, I have no answer. I so wish I did. I do, however believe that God has a plan for us...I don't know when, what , or how...I do believe that.

Put the Poop in the Trash!!!

There is a poop bag in my driveway. It has been there for days now. I keep wondering if someone other than myself will ever pick it up.  I could pick it up, but, "fuck, REALLY?!! was it that much harder to walk the poop bag an extra 20 feet to put it into the trash?

My Hubby, and my son and I have probably passed it each about 15 times by now. I am waiting, just waiting for one of them to put it into the trash already.

Mind you, I know at times, I am marginally insane due to the menopause...but why is the poop still there? I know that I haven't cleaned the house like I normally would. Hell, yesterday, I was having my first real period in 6 months...cramps, and all. I hunkered down for a "Dexter" marathon (which I got from the library). I could have cleaned, I should have...I chose not to. But for the love of God, why is the poop bag still in my driveway, for going on 4 days now?

Maybe I am hormonal...and I probably am...but let this be a lesson to all of you men with menopausal women...for the love..put the poop in the trash!!!

Permission?

I know, I need to write. I know I still have many things to talk about. I am so not sure in what order. I am so not sure that I am ready for some.  I have children, children who read this. I am not sure I am ready to address some things.

This is something that will take great thought. I will have to speak to my kids before I will have to address any of these things with them.  I will never do it without their permission.

Aside from that, I do have other things to discuss.

Give me a day or two, and I will.

Life on a MAJOR budget..TIPS!! A follow up to the Bankrupcy post!

Ok, so now I know that we are on a bad path. We have already filed bankruptcy. The pay off seemed daunting. The task seemed like it may be unachievable. So now what.

So here are my thoughts on cutting your family budget. They will apply if you are in financial ruins, or if you just want to save more money. I will fully admit, I came upon these in desperation. I will also fully admit, I was grateful for having changed my family's life, and structure because of the initial desperation. It is our way of life now. It is good.

I am not sure exactly how I should to present this, I guess...maybe in this case a list might be good. I am so not a list person. I think I will call it a list interrupted.

So here we go...These are my own personal changes, and what has worked for us.

First, make a budget. You must be realistic. Include EVERYTHING, from car payments, insurance, rent/mortgage, utilities, gas, food, activities, and anything else..BUT be accurate, possible estimate a bit high.

1. Get rid of the things you REALLY don't need. For example, at one point we had 4 cable boxes, 3 with DVR, and premium channels.  About 2 years ago, the hubby, and I got rid of all of it, and OH MY!!!! only have basic cable. It was a savings of about $170.00/month.

2. Use your resources. The public library is an amazing find...I think we forget about it. Movies at no limit for all members of the family are...wait for it...wait for it FREEEEEEE. I know Red Box is cool, and convenient. but free is better, AND you can have them  for a week. Which will also save on gas...just sayin' I recently reserved the "Dexter" series. Let's not also forget about the books. If you have young children, most libraries, have free programs...great for entertaining  the kids for an hour or so if mom, or dad..needs to run an errand, or have "me" time.

3.Shop the sales. It does not matter if it is groceries, or clothes, or tires. Pay attention! I never buy anything that is not on sale.  In accordance with that, know what you will need ahead of time. Again, food, clothing, school supplies, etc.

4. Make use of coupons. OMG this is HUGE to me. I save up to and sometimes more than 70% of my grocery, Target, etc bill, by using coupons. Be aware of them, they can save you tons of $. Stores like Target, and Walgreens will allow you to use both a manufactures coupon with a store coupon...AWESOME double savings!!!!!.  The key is here is to get the coupons for the items that you would normally use. For example, toilet paper...I clip several different brands...that allows me to find the best deal. 

5. I never buy anything, with out a sale or coupon...and usually I use both. From groceries, to clothing. If you take a bit of time you can always find deals.

6. Plan your meals at least a week out. When planning meals in that way, you can shop sales, use coupons, and avoid spending when you have forgotten to plan ahead, and just stop at the grocery store to find dinner, and spend too much.

7. If you have storage space in a freezer...take advantage of sales. Take advantage of seasonal sales. For example, buy an extra turkey during November...an extra ham around Easter. Stock up on meat sales when you find them.

8. Find short term solutions to a home problem that you want to fix, but cannot afford at the moment. For example, we want to put new hard wood floors in our entire upstairs. We have accepted, that it will not happen for about a year and a half. We tore up carpet last year, and primed the floor. A year later, we have accepted it will not get done for quite some time. The floor did need a  fix. We invested in a good floor paint, in a darker color (to help the dirt), and use some area rugs. It is not the end of the world...it is temporary.

9. Take advantage of seasonal produce...veggies, and fruit. Can preserves, and veggies. It is SUPER easy.  I found most of my canning jars at rummage sales. They can be reused. The only cost is the lids...super cheap..and many coupons out this time of year. I can tell you I have not bought a jar of jam/jelly in over a year.

10. With all of this saving advice...and this comment is for the parents' only...you still need to have time to yourselves. It is super important to save as much as you can...It is even more important to have "date night!" If that means dinner, and a movie, or a walk on the beach, or having a mommy, daddy time in a hotel room for a night....It is all fine.  You can save money, but you also need to save yourselves.

Humm, I am sure I have more...but I think that is it for now.

Please feel free to contact me with other money saving ideas.

Finances...Always a hard topic!!! One topic it has taken me a while to speak about.

This is a topic I have wanted to talk about for some time.  It is a hard one because I was raised to be proud. I thank my parents. They made me a hard worker. Sadly, sometimes, that is not enough.

This is a really hard topic for me to talk about.

My husband and I  are currently in the midst of bankruptcy.We have been for many years now.  He was an executive at Forbes, he worked in Manhattan.

I have been very rich in my life (monetarily), and very poor the same.

It was not because he, and I did not work hard.  I do enlarge feel that it is my fault. I re-located him from a great job in NYC.

I started writing this post last week. I guess, finally, I had the courage to talk about it. I did have to consult my DH to see if it was OK to write about. He said, "Yes."

This is a hard topic for me. I know that I am not alone here either. I have talked to more than many friends that are in the same situation.  I feel it is important to speak about.

I feel it is important because...because, life can toss you things that you are not prepared for...financially, or otherwise.

I have walked through red ropes in LA, and NYC. I flew first class to jobs all over the nation.  I have gone with out eating dinner so my kids could. I have been at both ends of the gamete.

What I am here to say today, is something I should have talked about long ago. I did not have the courage. Today I do. Times are tough. My DH was commuting back and forth from WI to NYC for over a year. It was too much. It was too hard on him. I also was not in a good place at that time.

We decided he would quit Forbes. We "thought"...he is an executive..we thought he could work between either Milwaukee, or Chicago, we thought that he would be a "home run." He was not. It was at the same time that the economy crashed. He was out of work for over a year.

I was a fricking mess at the time, which so did not help things. He did some consulting..it helped, but not even close to paying the bills. We lived on credit cards. We robbed Peter, to pay Paul. It was a nail bitter.

We prayed a ton, and cried a lot. We had to file bankruptcy. It was a horrible choice, it made us feel weak, it made us feel less. Even though, we got on a 5 year program that would pay all back in full, it is still super humbling.

I feel the need to FINALLY talk about this because, I know we are not alone.

We are back on track, we will be fully paid off in about a year and a half. It is horribly embarrassing. It is super humbling. That's OK, we are on the right track now.

I so hesitated to speak about this, but something was pulling at my heartstrings. It was something to share with others. With others, who should not be ashamed.

I geuss that is all I have to say about that.

HOME!!!!

OK, So I know I have spoken recently about having gone back home. I had not been home in almost 3 years. I had fear. I had frustration. I didn't want to go home.

Home was a place I had left behind me. I had traveled the world. I had lived in NYC. I thought for many years I was "better" than home. The truth is, I was afraid of home.

Home had many good memories for me in the past, but in the recent years, I saw no use for it. I found it depressing.

I must clarify, that the fact that I didn't want to go home, has nothing to do with my love of my family. My family is crazy, just the same as anyone else's. My family has been super supportive through my divorce, addiction, and several jail sentences. Oh, don't get me wrong they will tell me how they feel, but I know they do it out of love.

I just guess that it is so hard for me to see my dad in a different stage of life. I worry about my mom having to be constantly on duty for dad. It is very hard for me to accept. I worry for them. I worry about them. I have felt like a looser because my fear of my own feelings have prevented me from being home more often.

I am glad I went, and took my boy. The DS, and I had some pretty good bonding experiences.

 I am glad that I went, because I had not golfed with my dad in almost 20 years.  I am glad I went that I could help my mom in the gardens. The gardens she has not been able to get to because she has been putting off a knee surgery for far too long to attend to dad. 

Dad  may not know exactly who I am. I do believe he knows that I was an important person in his life.  Or at least for that week the important person that took him golfing. By the way, golf is one thing he has not forgotten.

Dad owns his own golf cart. Mom told me he was not to drive the cart. On our first outing, I thought..how bad can it be? I let dad drive. WELL...dad got into the driver's seat.  Dad really cannot drive the cart. We were in the fairway, a few over, not the right fairway.  I felt a bit like I was in charge of "Rain Man".  However, my dad, my dear dad, was the most lucid on the golf course. I must say, that my DS, and I had to plan who would tee off first. So it would be the kids, because, he is on the "men's" tee. So it was a bit funny, cuz dad wanted to drive.  It was a race for the tee, and dad can move pretty fast. I feel like it was something out of a spoof movie, but no just life. We could talk, he got to give his grandson golf pointers...he was so happy.

Every morning Dad woke me up. The first day is started at about 7am. Each day he woke me up a half hour earlier.  At the end of the week I was up at 3:00am. He would poke his head into my room and sweetly say."Time to get up." I would respond, "OK, dad I will be right there, and make the coffee". Dad and I would sit watching stupid TV shows. I would then go out to garden...pull weeds, plant planters..etc. He was my right hand man. We talked a ton. We talked about the same subject MANY MANY MANY times. It didn't bother me though.

It must be hard, so hard for mom to deal with it day in, and day out. I give her major kudos!!! GO MOM!!! For me, that week, it was a blessing.  I was so very grateful for the time with dad. He may not remember me, he may not know my name, but I do believe he knows some how, some way that I belong to him.

I almost did not go. I thought it would be too difficult. It is easier to avoid. I had a very good friend that set my ass right. I am so thankful that she did.

I would have not changed that week for the world. I am so very happy I went.

I must also include that I am so very grateful that my brother, and his fiance are also so close to mom n dad. I am grateful for their help. I know it must be so hard to be there every day. TY!!!!

Tie a Knot!...And Hang on For Life!!

The last few weeks have been incredibly trying. Some really good stuff, and some really bad stuff. I have a whole lot to blog about. I am not sure in the order to blog it.

There was going home, and hanging with Altz. Dad, and helping mom. There is the road trip that my DS, and I took. There was seeing a whole bunch of people I had not seen in MANY years.

My problem now is...where do I begin? I am trying to figure it out. I feel like I need to relay my feelings..my message in some intelligent, chronological order. I don't believe it will come out that way. I think it will be what comes to mind at that moment.

Hang with me. I promise, I will only be truthful. I will share things that I feel will help myself or others. However, there are some things I am not yet ready to share. I will...just not now.

OK, so now I am thinking about where to begin.

"Remember When" Famiy Crack!( the video)

This Box..

This box that sits here. This box that was waiting for me when I got home on Sunday. This box that is still not opened. This box.

I asked for this box, yet I have not opened it yet...this box. I opened it today.

http://trying2getit.blogspot.com/2011/06/remember-when-famiy-crack.html

I have a new copy of my mom n dad's 50th wedding photo montage. I watch it a bunch. I cry a ton. I don't cry because I am sad. I cry because I "Remember When". the same song that is played in the background of the photos, of mom n dad, and myself, and my siblings. Good times, happy times!

I wore the initial DVD I had out. I was so glad to find that my Sis, could replace my DVD!

There is Life Always!!!

So many stories so little time.

I spent last week with my mom n dad (dad has the altzheimers pretty bad). I will share more stories on my visit to follow..

My DS crashed my car the day after our trip. I was super mad...epically b/c I felt we really bonded during the trip.


The same day my DS was super sick. He had this weird parodied gland infection. (again more later).

I feel at sometimes I can not catch a break. I also must know that I am not alone here. I will post more later, but I felt the need to at least post this....

There is life after Alzheimer's, there is life after teenagers, heck...there is life always!!!!

Is it ME?

Is it me? I feel the light. Is it me?... I used to feel so bright.

Is it me, I cry my tears. Is it me...for once in all of these years?

There is no more...that's all I got. I have been doing a ton of thinking. I hope in the next two weeks I may finish this. Not for you, but only for me!

Love,
Me

"Remember When" Famiy Crack!!!!

This is the song that was played during the video slide show at my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. It brings back so many good memories. It also makes me think about the kind of wife, and mother I want to be.

I have watched the DVD montage with that song in the background so many times....the DVD is not working anymore. I called my sister to see if she has another copy. I am waiting on it. I told her I play it often...to see the photos of mom, n dad in younger days, to see me, and my siblings while growing up. I would play the  DVD when I felt alone, when I missed my family, when I wish I could turn back time, and just fix everything.

The funny...odd...cool thing is, that she does the same thing.

She said she would get me another copy. It, I  guess is family crack. Every now, and then I REALLY need a fix.

Please enjoy the song!.

Remember When lyrics




Remember when I was young and so were you

and time stood still and love was all we knew

You were the first, so was I

We made love and then you cried

Remember when



Remember when we vowed the vows

and walked the walk

Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard

We lived and learned, life threw curves

There was joy, there was hurt

Remember when



Remember when old ones died and new were born

And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged

We came together, fell apart

And broke each other's hearts

Remember when


Remember when the sound of little feet

was the music

We danced to week to week

Brought back the love, we found trust

Vowed we'd never give it up

Remember when



Remember when thirty seemed so old

Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone

To where we are,

Where we've been

Said we'd do it all again

Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray

When the children grow up and move away

We won't be sad, we'll be glad

For all the life we've had

And we'll remember when

I thought I had something intellegent to say...

I did promise the next time I thought I had something to say worth while, that I would jump out of the garden, write it down while I was driving, or make a note when I could not sleep.

I broke my promise.

Yesterday, when I was in the garden, I felt like I was suddenly enlightened. I had a great thought....possibly a revelation. I did, at that moment....with dirt between my nails, rain on my face...(I was trying to get all of my last moment planting done before the storm), a  busted out a flip flop on the way in...I was trying to get to my computer to record my thoughts . I was met by the sick cat, who pooped on the counter."Crap," I thought, both in a figuratively, and  literally. I cleaned the poop. I also was stopped by 2 of the 3 kids that live here to answer a question or two.  I then,   had to talk to hubby about our dinner plans....and, and, and...

I need to think about what was so important that I had to say at that moment in the garden. I so lost the thought.

I will work on it, and try to do better.

Perhaps, a note book in the garden.

I hate my hair!!!

I have been growing it out since I turned 40. That was a year and a half ago. I decided to grow it out one more time for locks of love. 

It has grown a ton. Especially, at the time it was about a half inch long. It needs to grow about another 3 inches. I did the math on were I want it to be when I donate.

It gets snarled, always. I asked my dear hubby to try and braid it the other night...It did not go well. I use conditioner by the bottles. I have no current hair style.

When I modeled, all of the hair people hated my  hair.

I can't wait to cut it off. It looks like I won't be able to do that until the end of summer.

Just sayin'

Just trying to walk through the day.

This week has been a super hard one. Sick pets, mom depressed, saving a Friend in distress. I have cried a  ton.

I have had some really neat people connect with me. That was so cool!.

I am, trying to figure out when I can go "home".  Going home is super hard for me. One of my best friends on this planet(you know who you are)...Tells me I have to do it. I respect her for saying that. I respect her for a ton. We are such good friends, that we can tell each other where to go, and when. We are such good friends, sometimes we just know. Just know, when to speak, or when to shut up. Or sometimes, just be.

I KNOW I need t go home. And I  thank my friend. I thank my very good friend for slapping me in the face to deal.

I wish I had something GREAT to say....

I wish I had something great to say. But I don't. I wish I had some sort of Revelation, but I don't. I wish, I had some funny story to share, but I don't.

The honest truth, is that I have had a bit of a rough week. The honest truth is that, I had to hunker down, and cry for a while.

The good news is that, hunkering down, and crying for a while...is ok. As long as you don't live there. I am so trying not to live there.

I need to go home. I don't want to. I need to go give my mom a break. I talked to her on the phone the other day, she sounded so tired. Going home, means I have to accept my dad's Alzheimer's. I have accepted it...I just can't handle it.

It has been such a stressful week, and it is only Thursday. I have a sick cat....that I have to take back to the vet today.I had to call my hubby home from work, because we thought, we might have to put her down. I busted in to a smoke filled house, to find, a 94 year old friend in a  diabetic coma. I talked to my mom, and she did not sound good.

I am a bit at odds with myself. I am 41, and generally feel young. I am not sure what 41 should feel like. This week, I feel old. I feel tired. I feel defeated.

I go to bed every night, to start a new, better day. I pray that day will come....SOON!

I LOVE MY DAD!!!

I have been stuck for weeks. I did not know what to say. I have struggled a ton. I still don't know what to say, I don't think I will ever have it right. I have not blogged in weeks. So why now?, you ask?  I will tell you. It is Father's Day! I think I have a pretty great Dad.

Let me tell you about my dad. I hooked his ear when fishing one day. He took it well. My Dad went on to show me all of the best fishing skills.

Some years later, we were hunting birds. We were hunting in my grandpa's corn field.  I was maybe 7 at the time. I kept asking..."is this one...is this one. After many resounding "No's" I asked one more time...It was one...It was a partridge.

My dad is a awesome man!!!! I love him, and cherish him every day of his life!!!!

He has  given me life lessons that I can't even begin to explain.  He has one of the best sense's of humor. He almost always makes me laugh.

He knew me inside and out. I miss who he was. He was my pillar, he was my rock.

I loved being a tom-boy. I loved being my dad's fishing partner. I loved sports.  I loved every thing that dad brought into my life. I loved that dad would laugh at a stupid comment I made to mom, while we were gardening.

It went something like this. We had bags of cow poop. Good for the garden...yes...Smells so bad. I think I was about 16 at the time. As dad, mom, and I sat in the garage of our summer home. I asked, " How much more COW SHIT I would have to move. Dad, laughed it was priceless. Mom, was mad at dad. It was an awesome moment with dad.


Dad is sick now. He is not gonna get better. I so love him. He is a great part of me. As my tears  fall down my face. I am so glad to have my dad in my life!

Sometimes...I just don't know!!!

Sometimes, I wonder where my life brings me. Sometimes, I am so frustrated. Sometimes, I wonder how to connect with my children. Sometimes, I wonder if the good I am trying to do, is good at all. I hate to say, sometimes, I just don't know.

I have done a whole lot of  searching.  I still feel a bit lost.

I promised I would report when I had something to say.

I am sorry...this is all I have for now.

AGAIN! I have no words!

I have a bunch to talk about but the words, just don't seem to come at the moment.

I am sorry for that.

I am working on some new blog posts. I am still here. I am still thinking. I am still writing. I just don't know what I want to talk about first.

Writing is not coming easy at this point, and I never want to force it.

Sometimes when I am driving, I write in my head. I think, "That's really good...you need to put that down". By the time I get home I lost the thought.  The other day in the garden, while I was pulling weeds, I had some major revelations. I should have ran to the computer at that moment. Now the thoughts are not so clear.

I  promise the next time I have something interesting to say I will at least take notes if I am away from home. If at home, I will stop what I am doing, and write.

Are You There God?...It's Me...Ann!

I borrow this phrase from Judy Bloom. Any girl my age will know her, and love her. She talked about the things no mother would ever talk about.

I know that I haven't posted in a while. I guess, I know I am going through a bunch of stuff.

Where is the Judy Bloom for our 40's?

Where is our guide book?

HUMMMM?! Maybe, just maybe...I will have to write my own!

God, I need a Bat-Signal!!!!

I have been so struggling the last few weeks.  I sometimes feel so frustrated, so defeated. I try to make a positive impact on so many lives. I seem to know who to embrace, who to help. But, not.


My feelings are all over the place.  I think a large part of that is due to the dreaded menopause. I so wanted a child with my husband...I thought I had time. Sometimes "time" is not your friend.

Or is it?

What do I need to learn from this? Why did it happen this way?

Sadly, I have no answers.

I do believe in GOD. I do believe He has a plan. My husband and I have been trying to mentor some kids that have come into our lives.  I think we have had a positive result...mostly.

I am searching for my purpose. I am looking for my meaning in life.

I need a Bat-Sign!!!! I haven't had one. 

I am just frustrated.  Is is the menopause thing? I don't know. I don't know because both my mom, and my sis had early host's. My sister-in-law that is 8 years older than I...has not either.

I ask for God to lead me...I so need a Bat-Signal.

Thanks For the Comments on My Mentalpause!!!

I know that you cannot all see the great, wonderful, and heartfelt messages I have gotten since my last post. I would love to share them with you, because they were so heplful, and kind to me, but I  can't. I can only share them if the ppl that wrote them are willing.

I must say, now with a tears running down my face....I am grateful to have so many great ppl who have  shared their menopause, early hysterectomy, and many other woman issues with me. A HUGE thanks to you all!!!.

I have received so many e-mails, and private messages on FB, as well as, IM's.

I really know some AWESOME PEOPLE...  I also, have many followers, that I have never met. THEY ALSO HAVE GREAT STORIES, AND WORDS OF HELP!!!!

TY TY TO ALL!!!!

I know "caps" are used for yelling....well I am not yelling, I am SHOUTING, a big thanks to all that have listened, and responded in the last few days!!! TY TY TY TY TY!!!!!

Menopause...A Dirty Word!!!

I think the reason I have not posted in a few weeks is because I found out that I am in full blown menopause. Well, that and greenhouse season...but mostly menopause.

I am a woman of 41, I feel young...I am married to the man of my dreams now. I have two amazing kids from a former marriage. My girl is a freshman in college, my boy is  a Jr. in high school. I was REALLY wanting to have a child with my great husband.

I had my tubes tied (clamped) after the birth of my son...the Jr. When I met my husband I thought we would have time to have it reversed. We went last year to a Dr. and found our it would be 30k. We were not able to do that. It would take paying off several bills, and saving money.

The last time I had my period was during the super bowl. I sported my Green Bay Jersey at the hospital. I was crampy, and a bit cranky. I went with a smile on my face, and joked with those having to be in the hospital. I didn't know that...that,would be my last period.

After having no period...even though my tubes were tied....I was soooooooooooo hoping I was preggers. Hubby, and I so want a child. Well many non-periods later...and many negative tests.... I made a Dr. appointment.

Well, it turns out, that I am rare. I am in full blown menopause at 41.  Guys that read this...I get that you might not understand.

Women, shit I don't know. I felt like I had time. I felt like I am not old enough to worry. I so wanted kids with my husband...this is so very hard for me to understand that my body will NEVER let that happen.

I must say I feel less as a woman not to EVER be able to give a child. I feel less of a woman to face the fact that I have hit this place in life early.

I am not gonna lie, this  is very upsetting to me.

I am not really sure to go with this.

I think that is all I have to say about that.

It Has Been Some Time..

I do apologize, I have not posted in a long time.

I have been through a ton...no, not jail....I found out I am in full blown menopause.

I also have been very busy at the greenhouse.

Today, I am off because of the current rain/storms.

So..I need to commit to doing two things.

1st...clean my house
2nd catch up on blog.

AND JUST SO YA KNOW THERE IS A LOT TO CATCH UP ON.

Once Again, I Have Been Absent.

Why, you ask? I have no good reason. I don't think it is writer's block. I am not sure if it was something that I did not want to talk about, and was trying to avoid.

I have been busy working at the greenhouse....good stories to come later.

Maybe, I was having a hard time with losing my job I loved.

So here I am again. Hold on people, it is always a strange ride. I am writing again.

OSAMA IS DEAD!!! USA,USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OSAMA IS DEAD!!! USA,USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am crying tears of joy, for Osama's death. I cry tears of sadness for the thousands that were lost, under his terrorist attacks. I have never wished for any one's death, except for his. I know as a Christian that I should never wish for things like that. I am also human, and cannot deny that truth.



After seeing the tragedy, and horror first hand, as I was in NYC at the time of the attack, I apologize God, but I am VERY happy about Obama's death.



I also want to recognize all of our troops...for all of their efforts all around the world, especially in the Middle East.



I don't want to be political in anyway, but today I don't care what party you may support...LET'S JUST REJOICE FOR AMERICA!!!



USA, USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I think that is all I have to say about that.

Posted by Trying2GetIt at 10:50 PM

OSAMA IS DEAD!!! USA,USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am crying tears of joy, for Obama's death. I cry tears of sadness for the thousands that were lost, under his terrorist attacks. I have never wished for any one's death, except for his. I know as a Christian that I should never wish for things like that. I am also human, and cannot deny that truth.

After seeing the tragedy, and horror first hand, as I was in NYC at the time of the attack, I apologize God, but I am VERY happy about Obama's death.

I also want to recognize all of our troops...for all of their efforts all around the world, especially in the Middle East.

I don't want to be political in anyway, but today I don't care what party you may support...LET'S JUST REJOICE FOR AMERICA!!!

USA, USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that is all I have to say about that.

We Don't Know How We Can Help Until We Know!!!! Please READ!!!!

I think one of the most important things to admit..is, "I just don't know". I feel that that is one phrase that most of us do not admit. I think it is the most important one to be honest about. Honest to ourselves, honest to our kids', just honest.

I just don't know where this blog will bring me next. I will say that it has been a great journey so far...for me.

I still have much to say. I feel that there are so much more  interesting  topics to me... sometime I wonder:? Is it interesting to others? Is is helpful?

I do have several responses that say that what I say has helped them. Eh I hope so.

I often wonder what I will talk about in a daily  blog. What do I say?  Sometimes, I think about a topic for days. Even when I think I have a topic, I have to wonder if it is "blog worthy".

I wonder often...Is what I have to say interesting? And then I think about the whole puropse of this blog. It is not for anyone else,  but me! It was initially a place to get thoughts out of my head. It was a journal. It was a jounal, but a journal of some things I needed to say to others. Some things you need to say out loud.

Although, it has helped me soo VERY much, I am happy that I can also help others.

It has evloved into so much more. I am amazed, and grateful for that. Grateful that I have been able to help others in on so many different topics.
Sometimes I feel that what I write is trivial...and sometimes it is. Sometimes what I write it is meant to laugh, sometimes to cry, sometimes I need to send a message... Sometimes I need help. I also hope at some point I would at least connect to others.

As grown-ups, we go through life as "definite." We have responsibilities, bills, jobs(hopefully).

I know this seems a bit obtuse...HELL I know it is. May I ask you to ask yourselves just to step out and help someone ya know. Someone, in your neighborhood....a friend, of a friend, just help someone.

Not for nothing, I lost a job that I loved. I will continue to apply, I will always help others. I have so much more than so many do. I am so grateful for that.

This last month I have posted on FB for a couple of causes.
This story is from one of my daughter's good friends...Please help. $5.00 will help...EVERYTHING HELPS!
http://blockmelanoma.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=451613&lis=1&kntae451613=8CC0C2971B0B4D9EAC9D4B778340BF7F&supId=292296253

Oh Wait there is more!!!!

OH MY GOD, His girls are amazing!!! Please read the  NEXT Story!
Jim Mattson
Hello Friends, our twins Sydney and Samantha were born at 24 weeks 5 days on 3/5/08. Sydney weighed 1.6 pounds and Samantha a mere 15 3/4 ounces! Please help me in my fight against premature births by supporting my March of Dimes walk by making a secure donation on my personal MOD page;
http://www.marchforbabies.org/JimMattson
Thank You for your support!

March for Babies - View Personal Page For JimMattson

www.marchforbabies.org

Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick. I'm walking in March for Babies because I want to do something about this. And I need your help. Please support my walk. Making a secure donation is easy: just click the 'donate now' button on this page. Thank you fo

Neosporin on a Speed Loader.

Ok so last week, I had blogged about walking the dogs at the exact time that my DH was driving by. That was probably a bad plan. They are dogs, but they still understand that is their people's car.  It did not turn out so good for me. The Dog's were SOOOOO excited...not to mention at the time their leashes were tangled. I bent down to untangle them. THAT is when DH passed by.

I was taken off my feet. So not prepared for the fall, I ended up with a raspberry on the place where your butt bone meets you back. Yeah, the one where your jeans rub on all day...yep that one. I also bashed the back of my head on the ground, and had a slight concussion.The head is OK (from that injury)

Please hold....but wait, there is more.

So my son, some of his friends, my nephew that was visiting from school in Chicago, decided to play HORSE (a basket ball game for those that don't know).  I think their were 5 or so playing at the time. At the end of the game it only my DS, and I were left. DS beat me by one letter.

I come from a really competitive family...ya know the type of family  when you were 5 years old, there was no letting you off the hook, no throwing the game. It didn't matter if it was "Candy Land", or "Crazy 8's", "Go Fish", was included too.

As I grew up the games, and the competition escalated. Now it was "Badminton", which we often played at our summer home. It also included, some nasty games of "Rook", "Pictonary", and "Trivial Pursuit"...to name a few. Ahhh, but "HORSE", always a family favorite.

Did I happen to mention, we were VERY competitive?

So this day, this beautiful day, the first REALLY nice day of Spring. The group of us were playing "HORSE".

UNTIL...Dun, Dun, Dun....we chose to play 2 on 2. We had just started the game. My nephew, and I were ahead until there was the dreaded moment....I ran for the ball on the ground. I was wearing my low-top fake Uggs. I tripped over them, and did a header into the pavement. Pavement is HARD!

I picked myself up, dropped the ball, and ran inside to see the damage. There was some damage. I took inventory in the mirror....big fat lip with raspberry, right eye with raspberries above, AND below, right hand 3 nice raspberries, right shoulder one HUGE raspberry.

The kids were nice enough to come check on me. When they saw I was mostly OK, and that I would live, they laughed. Eh it was OK, I laughed too, just not too hard because it hurt.

SO here is the moral of the story...fake Uggs, NOT appropriate foot wear for basketball. I am gonna go out on a limb, and say probably not flip-flops either. SNEEKERS!!!

True Friends Don't Give a Shit About What You Wear!

A night with my 2 BFF's from school. It has been more than a while since we have gotten together. We all have busy crazy lives.

I am so looking forward to being together tonight.

We are not sure what the plan is. That is OK. We seem to go where ever the wind blows us when we are together.  The amazing thing is we ALWAYS have fun. We should get together more often, we know. We also know that it is difficult to join all of the schedules

I should have left by now, but I REALLY needed to blog.

I was wondering what  I would pack. What would we do? I found myself "freaking" out in some ways. "Is this a good outfit? How do I look? What hair product should I bring? How many shoes? Then I thought," this is stupid, WTF".

It is really just about great friends getting the AWESOME chance to hang out. The clothes, shoes, make-up, and the rest doesn't  really matter. Mind you this thought came to me when I was sitting on my closet floor. I was amongst a sea of shoes, and WAY too many clothes.

I put one other outfit in my bag, 1 pair of shoes(I know it was hard), some pj's, and a few toiletries. DONE.

That was the point, where I thought I needed to share my insight.

True friends, don't give a shit about what you wear. The most important thing is getting together.