Good Bye Girl!!! I love you!!!

This is Ginger, I know I don't usually use names. Somehow, I think she would be OK with me using her name.

Ginger is a Beagle mix.She has been with us since she was just a bout a year old. She made it through, my ex husband, and my divorce. I moved out East. She stayed with him for a few years. When ,my husband, and I

 moved back..(1/2 mile away from my ex) we took her back. She has always been with one or the other of us her entire life. She has always been with the kids.

She was so protective of them. She would never let anyone in the yard. She watched over them. It was her "job."

Ginger loved to go chipmunk hunting ( I am not so much for killing animals), she rarely caught one...be she loved the hunt.

My ex husband, and I lived on a small lake. One of our neighbors, had a wind surfer. Ginger, in her younger days ALWAYS had to be involved...swam out to hop on the board of the wind surfer with the kids' dad....We laughed...she was a natural.

Ginger tenacious when she needed to be, and so loving when she knew someone needed some love.

I am faced with a REALLY hard choice. I know she is old...super old for a dog...one of the oldest, our vet has ever seen. Her sight is not great, her hearing not so great either, she has some tumors...but they are not painful. Last night, my DD, and I were watching a movie, my DH was at the neighbors...when he came home he yelled for me. I came down to find Ginger convulsing, in her own urine, and poop. She could not stand.

I had to call my ex-husband...it was his dog too. I told him, I was not sure she would make it through the night. He came...I gave him time alone with her.

She was able to stand last night...in the middle of the night. BUT, we have a doggie door onto our deck....My DH found here half in/half out stuck...and again peeing herself.

So how do I play "GOD?" Why can we make this choice for animals?

There have been a ton of tears in this house today. I had my DH carry her to my car. I  told him I needed some time alone with her. I bought her a burger at McDonald's (her favorite), we went for a long car ride...also one of her favorites.

How do I make this choice? What gives me the right?

I do believe that, we will put her to sleep tomorrow. I just can't be there. I can't do it.

I am going to borrow a few lyrics from Karen Tylor Good-----

"Here we are it is time to say good-bye--

Pleasant dreams old friend, may your suffering end as you close your eyes and sleep. Pleasant dreams old friend until we meet again, your sweet memories I will keep. I will be loving you, and missing you old friend"

With tears streaming down my face...I think that is all I have to say about that.

You want the Truth...You, Can't Handle the Truth...

I know that I keep going back to this fucking menopause thing. To be really honest it really sucks. No rainbows, no happy stars, no nothing. It is hard. It is like being in PMS 24/7. If anyone has told you other than that they lie.

It is not like birth, where at the end you get an God given reward. Here, there is stupid emotions, a whole lot of sweat, a bunch of tears, and more sweat...to name a few. As I write this my arms stick to the computer table with sweat.  Lord, I have sweat in places I never knew there was sweat.

I, in the past have always been cold. I now ask my hubby to turn the A/C lower. In the past it was always a fight...I was always cold. Did he trade comfort for a crazy wife?

I sit here now..sweat rolling off my nose..and OMG, I also have cleavage sweat....Disturbing!!!...So what now? The answer is I don't know.

I am angry, I so was so hoping that my DH, and myself would be able to have one or two of our own. It appears, that is not, or never will be the case. That is so hard to take.

Apparently, I am one in 2% of women that go into early menopause.

So why is that? I need to ask. Why, when finally, I met the man of my dreams...that we are never going to have children? He shared with me the other night, that he was very upset too. I had nothing to say. I felt like I failed him. I know it was hard for him to say that to me. I also felt like less of a woman, because there was nothing I could do.

I don't know the right response, I have no answer. I so wish I did. I do, however believe that God has a plan for us...I don't know when, what , or how...I do believe that.

Put the Poop in the Trash!!!

There is a poop bag in my driveway. It has been there for days now. I keep wondering if someone other than myself will ever pick it up.  I could pick it up, but, "fuck, REALLY?!! was it that much harder to walk the poop bag an extra 20 feet to put it into the trash?

My Hubby, and my son and I have probably passed it each about 15 times by now. I am waiting, just waiting for one of them to put it into the trash already.

Mind you, I know at times, I am marginally insane due to the menopause...but why is the poop still there? I know that I haven't cleaned the house like I normally would. Hell, yesterday, I was having my first real period in 6 months...cramps, and all. I hunkered down for a "Dexter" marathon (which I got from the library). I could have cleaned, I should have...I chose not to. But for the love of God, why is the poop bag still in my driveway, for going on 4 days now?

Maybe I am hormonal...and I probably am...but let this be a lesson to all of you men with menopausal women...for the love..put the poop in the trash!!!

Permission?

I know, I need to write. I know I still have many things to talk about. I am so not sure in what order. I am so not sure that I am ready for some.  I have children, children who read this. I am not sure I am ready to address some things.

This is something that will take great thought. I will have to speak to my kids before I will have to address any of these things with them.  I will never do it without their permission.

Aside from that, I do have other things to discuss.

Give me a day or two, and I will.

Life on a MAJOR budget..TIPS!! A follow up to the Bankrupcy post!

Ok, so now I know that we are on a bad path. We have already filed bankruptcy. The pay off seemed daunting. The task seemed like it may be unachievable. So now what.

So here are my thoughts on cutting your family budget. They will apply if you are in financial ruins, or if you just want to save more money. I will fully admit, I came upon these in desperation. I will also fully admit, I was grateful for having changed my family's life, and structure because of the initial desperation. It is our way of life now. It is good.

I am not sure exactly how I should to present this, I guess...maybe in this case a list might be good. I am so not a list person. I think I will call it a list interrupted.

So here we go...These are my own personal changes, and what has worked for us.

First, make a budget. You must be realistic. Include EVERYTHING, from car payments, insurance, rent/mortgage, utilities, gas, food, activities, and anything else..BUT be accurate, possible estimate a bit high.

1. Get rid of the things you REALLY don't need. For example, at one point we had 4 cable boxes, 3 with DVR, and premium channels.  About 2 years ago, the hubby, and I got rid of all of it, and OH MY!!!! only have basic cable. It was a savings of about $170.00/month.

2. Use your resources. The public library is an amazing find...I think we forget about it. Movies at no limit for all members of the family are...wait for it...wait for it FREEEEEEE. I know Red Box is cool, and convenient. but free is better, AND you can have them  for a week. Which will also save on gas...just sayin' I recently reserved the "Dexter" series. Let's not also forget about the books. If you have young children, most libraries, have free programs...great for entertaining  the kids for an hour or so if mom, or dad..needs to run an errand, or have "me" time.

3.Shop the sales. It does not matter if it is groceries, or clothes, or tires. Pay attention! I never buy anything that is not on sale.  In accordance with that, know what you will need ahead of time. Again, food, clothing, school supplies, etc.

4. Make use of coupons. OMG this is HUGE to me. I save up to and sometimes more than 70% of my grocery, Target, etc bill, by using coupons. Be aware of them, they can save you tons of $. Stores like Target, and Walgreens will allow you to use both a manufactures coupon with a store coupon...AWESOME double savings!!!!!.  The key is here is to get the coupons for the items that you would normally use. For example, toilet paper...I clip several different brands...that allows me to find the best deal. 

5. I never buy anything, with out a sale or coupon...and usually I use both. From groceries, to clothing. If you take a bit of time you can always find deals.

6. Plan your meals at least a week out. When planning meals in that way, you can shop sales, use coupons, and avoid spending when you have forgotten to plan ahead, and just stop at the grocery store to find dinner, and spend too much.

7. If you have storage space in a freezer...take advantage of sales. Take advantage of seasonal sales. For example, buy an extra turkey during November...an extra ham around Easter. Stock up on meat sales when you find them.

8. Find short term solutions to a home problem that you want to fix, but cannot afford at the moment. For example, we want to put new hard wood floors in our entire upstairs. We have accepted, that it will not happen for about a year and a half. We tore up carpet last year, and primed the floor. A year later, we have accepted it will not get done for quite some time. The floor did need a  fix. We invested in a good floor paint, in a darker color (to help the dirt), and use some area rugs. It is not the end of the world...it is temporary.

9. Take advantage of seasonal produce...veggies, and fruit. Can preserves, and veggies. It is SUPER easy.  I found most of my canning jars at rummage sales. They can be reused. The only cost is the lids...super cheap..and many coupons out this time of year. I can tell you I have not bought a jar of jam/jelly in over a year.

10. With all of this saving advice...and this comment is for the parents' only...you still need to have time to yourselves. It is super important to save as much as you can...It is even more important to have "date night!" If that means dinner, and a movie, or a walk on the beach, or having a mommy, daddy time in a hotel room for a night....It is all fine.  You can save money, but you also need to save yourselves.

Humm, I am sure I have more...but I think that is it for now.

Please feel free to contact me with other money saving ideas.

Finances...Always a hard topic!!! One topic it has taken me a while to speak about.

This is a topic I have wanted to talk about for some time.  It is a hard one because I was raised to be proud. I thank my parents. They made me a hard worker. Sadly, sometimes, that is not enough.

This is a really hard topic for me to talk about.

My husband and I  are currently in the midst of bankruptcy.We have been for many years now.  He was an executive at Forbes, he worked in Manhattan.

I have been very rich in my life (monetarily), and very poor the same.

It was not because he, and I did not work hard.  I do enlarge feel that it is my fault. I re-located him from a great job in NYC.

I started writing this post last week. I guess, finally, I had the courage to talk about it. I did have to consult my DH to see if it was OK to write about. He said, "Yes."

This is a hard topic for me. I know that I am not alone here either. I have talked to more than many friends that are in the same situation.  I feel it is important to speak about.

I feel it is important because...because, life can toss you things that you are not prepared for...financially, or otherwise.

I have walked through red ropes in LA, and NYC. I flew first class to jobs all over the nation.  I have gone with out eating dinner so my kids could. I have been at both ends of the gamete.

What I am here to say today, is something I should have talked about long ago. I did not have the courage. Today I do. Times are tough. My DH was commuting back and forth from WI to NYC for over a year. It was too much. It was too hard on him. I also was not in a good place at that time.

We decided he would quit Forbes. We "thought"...he is an executive..we thought he could work between either Milwaukee, or Chicago, we thought that he would be a "home run." He was not. It was at the same time that the economy crashed. He was out of work for over a year.

I was a fricking mess at the time, which so did not help things. He did some consulting..it helped, but not even close to paying the bills. We lived on credit cards. We robbed Peter, to pay Paul. It was a nail bitter.

We prayed a ton, and cried a lot. We had to file bankruptcy. It was a horrible choice, it made us feel weak, it made us feel less. Even though, we got on a 5 year program that would pay all back in full, it is still super humbling.

I feel the need to FINALLY talk about this because, I know we are not alone.

We are back on track, we will be fully paid off in about a year and a half. It is horribly embarrassing. It is super humbling. That's OK, we are on the right track now.

I so hesitated to speak about this, but something was pulling at my heartstrings. It was something to share with others. With others, who should not be ashamed.

I geuss that is all I have to say about that.

HOME!!!!

OK, So I know I have spoken recently about having gone back home. I had not been home in almost 3 years. I had fear. I had frustration. I didn't want to go home.

Home was a place I had left behind me. I had traveled the world. I had lived in NYC. I thought for many years I was "better" than home. The truth is, I was afraid of home.

Home had many good memories for me in the past, but in the recent years, I saw no use for it. I found it depressing.

I must clarify, that the fact that I didn't want to go home, has nothing to do with my love of my family. My family is crazy, just the same as anyone else's. My family has been super supportive through my divorce, addiction, and several jail sentences. Oh, don't get me wrong they will tell me how they feel, but I know they do it out of love.

I just guess that it is so hard for me to see my dad in a different stage of life. I worry about my mom having to be constantly on duty for dad. It is very hard for me to accept. I worry for them. I worry about them. I have felt like a looser because my fear of my own feelings have prevented me from being home more often.

I am glad I went, and took my boy. The DS, and I had some pretty good bonding experiences.

 I am glad that I went, because I had not golfed with my dad in almost 20 years.  I am glad I went that I could help my mom in the gardens. The gardens she has not been able to get to because she has been putting off a knee surgery for far too long to attend to dad. 

Dad  may not know exactly who I am. I do believe he knows that I was an important person in his life.  Or at least for that week the important person that took him golfing. By the way, golf is one thing he has not forgotten.

Dad owns his own golf cart. Mom told me he was not to drive the cart. On our first outing, I thought..how bad can it be? I let dad drive. WELL...dad got into the driver's seat.  Dad really cannot drive the cart. We were in the fairway, a few over, not the right fairway.  I felt a bit like I was in charge of "Rain Man".  However, my dad, my dear dad, was the most lucid on the golf course. I must say, that my DS, and I had to plan who would tee off first. So it would be the kids, because, he is on the "men's" tee. So it was a bit funny, cuz dad wanted to drive.  It was a race for the tee, and dad can move pretty fast. I feel like it was something out of a spoof movie, but no just life. We could talk, he got to give his grandson golf pointers...he was so happy.

Every morning Dad woke me up. The first day is started at about 7am. Each day he woke me up a half hour earlier.  At the end of the week I was up at 3:00am. He would poke his head into my room and sweetly say."Time to get up." I would respond, "OK, dad I will be right there, and make the coffee". Dad and I would sit watching stupid TV shows. I would then go out to garden...pull weeds, plant planters..etc. He was my right hand man. We talked a ton. We talked about the same subject MANY MANY MANY times. It didn't bother me though.

It must be hard, so hard for mom to deal with it day in, and day out. I give her major kudos!!! GO MOM!!! For me, that week, it was a blessing.  I was so very grateful for the time with dad. He may not remember me, he may not know my name, but I do believe he knows some how, some way that I belong to him.

I almost did not go. I thought it would be too difficult. It is easier to avoid. I had a very good friend that set my ass right. I am so thankful that she did.

I would have not changed that week for the world. I am so very happy I went.

I must also include that I am so very grateful that my brother, and his fiance are also so close to mom n dad. I am grateful for their help. I know it must be so hard to be there every day. TY!!!!

Tie a Knot!...And Hang on For Life!!

The last few weeks have been incredibly trying. Some really good stuff, and some really bad stuff. I have a whole lot to blog about. I am not sure in the order to blog it.

There was going home, and hanging with Altz. Dad, and helping mom. There is the road trip that my DS, and I took. There was seeing a whole bunch of people I had not seen in MANY years.

My problem now is...where do I begin? I am trying to figure it out. I feel like I need to relay my feelings..my message in some intelligent, chronological order. I don't believe it will come out that way. I think it will be what comes to mind at that moment.

Hang with me. I promise, I will only be truthful. I will share things that I feel will help myself or others. However, there are some things I am not yet ready to share. I will...just not now.

OK, so now I am thinking about where to begin.

"Remember When" Famiy Crack!( the video)

This Box..

This box that sits here. This box that was waiting for me when I got home on Sunday. This box that is still not opened. This box.

I asked for this box, yet I have not opened it yet...this box. I opened it today.

http://trying2getit.blogspot.com/2011/06/remember-when-famiy-crack.html

I have a new copy of my mom n dad's 50th wedding photo montage. I watch it a bunch. I cry a ton. I don't cry because I am sad. I cry because I "Remember When". the same song that is played in the background of the photos, of mom n dad, and myself, and my siblings. Good times, happy times!

I wore the initial DVD I had out. I was so glad to find that my Sis, could replace my DVD!

There is Life Always!!!

So many stories so little time.

I spent last week with my mom n dad (dad has the altzheimers pretty bad). I will share more stories on my visit to follow..

My DS crashed my car the day after our trip. I was super mad...epically b/c I felt we really bonded during the trip.


The same day my DS was super sick. He had this weird parodied gland infection. (again more later).

I feel at sometimes I can not catch a break. I also must know that I am not alone here. I will post more later, but I felt the need to at least post this....

There is life after Alzheimer's, there is life after teenagers, heck...there is life always!!!!