Jail, Jail, Jail #1

I have recently spoken of my first time in jail, which was for a couple of days in Brooklyn, NYC central booking.

I have been PROMISING to speak of my other experiences. Today I start. I have mentioned some in passing, but never got down to the nitty gritty...(nitty gritty?..what am I like 70 now).

I had given the lead up to my 1st major jail sentence a bit ago. I will not repeat the details..it was long. You can catch up if you need to. The blog title is OK OK... Working up to Jail, It may take a bit. I think it was posted on September 29th or so.

A brief back ground was I was on my way driving form New Jersey, to WI. I was driving b/c my hubby,(not my hubby at the time, and I had bought a home about 6 blocks from the kids' dad to do the right thing for the kids).

Read the original post for details.

Just know it lead to jail time. I was sentenced to 80 days in the Kenosha,WI county jail. At the time I did not work, I did not go to school.. Luckily, I did have some knowledge of how things worked, because a woman that was in my out-patient program had been to jail prior to me, at the same location. I actually would pick her up once a week from jail to go to an extended out patient program...she got out for that...she was awarded "huber". She knew of this program called..."work crew". It was a bunch of organizations that received free help from the non-violent inmates. For example, St Vincent Depaul, YMCA,  picked up trash on the side of the highway, and local food shelters. I knew I needed to get into that program. Aside from getting out on a regular basis, you would also get 1 day off your sentence for every 3 days worked.

I took this information and held it close in my back pocket. When I was sentenced was about 2 weeks prior to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. I asked the judge if I could turn myself in the weekend following..he allowed me to do so. It happened to be Memorial Day weekend. In Kenosh County you turn yourself in on Sat. am. by 8:00am.

My hubby drove me there, he sat with me in the waiting room..it was like a medical room waiting area, except, I would not be done anytime soon. I had to report to the Kenosha County Jail. Like I said, I had no job, no school...no reason for huber, BUT I was awarded huber, and with the knowledge of the "Work Crew", I had faith that I would not have to stay in the county jail proper.

Wholly shit, that was the worst place EVER!!!, and I have the ability now to judge. I actually believe that Kenosha County Jail was worse than Brooklyn Central Booking. Why? you ask? Well there was no ability for inmate  teamwork for a drink of water. Most importantly, I kept trying to ask who I need to speak with..(in a very "white " way), " With whom do I speak to about "work crew"." My question was totally ignored. I tried to say calm. I was in a cell block...6 cells, over crowding..to the point we had an additional 6 beds..they call them "boats"..on the very small common space open to the inmates from 6am-8pm. The total non-cell space was about 15x25. Also included in that space aside from the additional beds, boats...were 2 square stainless Steele tables, a single man shower(oh the shower worked on a push button...push the button it sprays for 90 seconds and stops..gotta push the button and hope ya get hot water..no shampoo...ya get a toothbrush, and a mini bar of soap), and a mounted TV on the ceiling. The channel was always the same....unless..ya finally had a guard that gave a shit...or half a shit, and was willing to lift half a finger to change the channel.

I KEPT asking the guards for information on who I needed to talk to about "work crew". I knew from my friend it was in a different, better facility. The guards told me I had to write a request form. I said, OK..where is the form? They gave me the form. I asked for a pen to fill it out. The guards would not give me a pen or pencil...they told me I had to put it on my inmate cantina request form(the cantina in jail is where ya get supplies like...pencils, envelopes, ibuprofen, candy, paper....ya get my drift). Ya can't use anything in jail unless you buy it from them.

Here in lies the problem I can't request a pencil, unless I have a pencil to make the request. Guards are such asses...Most barely have a GED and are on some power trip. I went round and round for 3 days trying to get a fucking writing utensil. I had no contact with my family...the phone in our ward did not work at the time....I had lost total contact to my husband, and kids. I was in a panic, but trying to stay calm.On the 3rd day after a whole lot of crying, and prayer ,one of the girls was going to be transferred somewhere else..she gave me her pencil. I was FINALLY able to write a request form.

Well, I was almost there I had a pencil...A broken pencil with no writing tip. I learned that cement block, and a whole lot of time..away from the cameras, creates a great pencil point.

After I wrote the form. I waited, and waited. I learned how to play spades. I am not sure why, but spades is the official "jail game". How did we have cards? You ask? Well a girl that was in our cell block, had already been in jail, and had ordered them through the jail. So when ya order stuff thought the jail, ya can take it with you from place to place with in the jail. The cards were very worn, wax almost worn off, when ya tried to shuffle they stayed bent. At least they were cards. Something to do.

I was able to write the form, and I did get "work crew" I was transferred on Wednesday.

OK more on this later.

Brooklyn Central Booking

OK, I cannot put off any longer dealing with my addiction, jail, and recovery...not all in that order, on any given day. Please understand how very hard it is for me to go into detail on this topic. I will try to be as honest, and as truthful as I can. We will be on this topic for many days, or as long as it takes me to tell my story.

I have PROMISED to tell that story, and I will. I will start today. I have told the story about my first DUI, which was not..it was a driving while impaired. I was visiting a best friend of mine that I had lived with for 4 years.  I lost my phone under my brake...went to grab it and hit 2 cars. I was under the legal limit. I spent 2 nights in Brooklyn "Central Booking". I know you have all seen "Law and Order".Pretty much like it looks on TV.  If ya ever had to spend a night in jail, Ya never wanted to spend it there.

There were two holding cells for women. There were about 20-25 women in each holding cell. The holding cell was about 20x20. It smelled, It was nasty, it was so scary..especially from a woman from Northern, WI. I know that I have spoken about this before, but I felt I needed a brief recap. Something that I forgot to include..was the fact that I was in the holding cell with, a few women that held up a store by gun point, another three or four that tried to stab their boyfriend(s), several others for prostitution, and a few for attempted murder...just to name a few. I was so afraid. I was dumped into the cell. There were a few 1/2 inch thik mats...not enough to go around for everyone...maybe like 15 or so. 1 toilet for the cell, of 25 girls. I had the only spot left to lie down..if front of the toilet. I had no mat at first...I did get a mat 15 hours later. I was still front and center of the only potty for 25 girls. Some of then smelled so bad when peeing, that some of the more well seasoned girls would bitch, "What the fuck crawled up into you pussy?, You need to wash that shit," and many just said"EWEEEE"!

 I wanted to just lay down and cry, but for some reason, I KNEW I could show no fear, or at least as little as I could. I heard, "Hey white girl..why u here"? I responed, "DUI". The most amazing, the most insane thing to me was that after I said DUI... Thsese, killers, robbers, prostitutes...said, "What ya thinkin' bitch...r u fuckin' crazy...damn...how stupid are you"?  I must say comming from THEM, I felt pretty stupid.


It is odd when people I would have judged so harshly in the past were now judging ME. I will never forget those words, or that experience. I have mentioned in previous postings, that some very awesome very large black woman protected me for almost a day and a half. She told the rest to, "Leave her alone...she is not like US". I wish I knew her name....I would like to thank her. Ya see, at that time I didn't think I was like THEM, I had the job, the clothes, the jewlery. Hell, I was waiting to be arrainged before Satudary night so I would be able to go receive top sales person award on Monday. Clearly, I must have been more important then than THEM. I now get that I was NOT. I am just the same...I am just as important as they are!

The other women's holding cell was right across the way. It held as many, if not more women. There was one gross sink between the cells. It looked a bit like the common laundry sink ya might use in a multi-unit apartment unit, in the basement ya hated to go down to...ya know with the webs, and all of the other apartment units crap was stored. Like ya would go do laundry there because it was in your building, but it was really creepy and gross...like that.

We were all given a cup to get water. One cup, one cup only. If ya didn't know the ropes, and sent your cup back on the food tray(I uses the term "food" very liberally) ...ya had no cup. The sad part was that unless a woman from the other side turned on the water for you, ya could not get water. Ya could not reach the spout and turn on the water at the same side. We had to turn on the water for the other cell, and visa versa. The bad part was there was only either a hot, or cold that either cell could reach. Sometiomes, some of the women were so broken, they would not even flip the foscet. I think they wanted to die.

I did get arrainged, the last person on Saturday, at 11:55pm: I was grateful. I had a great friend waiting for me in court to pick me up. I was able to go receive my 'TOP SALSEMAN" award on Monday. I SWORE I would never be in that place again. Well I was never in Brooklyn Central Booking again...I have spent more than 2 nights in jail...more on that to come...

I will expand more on that tomorrow....I think that is about enough for today.

Slamming Down the Patient

I thought I would just share a quick note on my first week of work, before I get on to some more heavy topics. 

 I am so very sorry I have not posted in a couple of days. I was having a bit of writer's block on how I wanted to address jail, and alcoholism. The problem wasn't that I didn't know WHAT to say...more that I have soooo MUCH to say. I have been trying to think of a way to tell it.  I am not so sure I have it figured out anymore today, than I did I few days ago,   but I am going to jump into it tonight. I probably won't get it posted until after work tomorrow.

But before that....

Ok so It was my first week of work. I am so VERY grateful to have been hired. I was so excited, and nervous. The first day was corporate training, with all of the other recent hires from all sites. Not the most exciting, but good. The second day, I was at my hospital site. Again, mostly site orientation. I got a TON of information, and a bunch of '"homework" in need to complete in the first year. But, I was excited....got to wear my scrubs...I kinda was feeling the part. Took a tour of the hospital, and I was thinking, "How the hell am I going to remember where everything is." My trainer pointed out the mental health floor as we passed. Strangely, that doesn't worry me. The person giving the tour is my, "buddy", my go to person for any questions. She was almost alarmed at how calm I was about the "mental health ward."....Little does she know, how I am used to "secured surroundings".

I had the next day off. Thursday, I was scheduled at 4:30am. I was going on the floors for the 1st time as a phlebotomist. It was my understanding that I would just be observing that day...NOT!! I happened to be paired with one of the Department heads. I showed up bright eyed-and bushy tailed....or as much like that as you can after waking up in a panic, every hour all night in the worry that ya might oversleep. Anyway, I was on-time, and promptly found her, and said, "I am ready to go." She was a bit grumpy, and asked,"Are YOU supposed to be with me"? I said, nervously, "yes". She said, "Go get your schedule!" I did, and in fact it showed I was where I was supposed to be. She obviously was not thrilled about this situation. She lamented, "It would be nice if I were informed of these things". I tried to shoot a half of a smile and nodded.

Off to the floors with supply cart in hand, a not too happy trainer, and a REALLY nervous me. So she said right away, "ok YOU"RE UP". I was thinking, "What?, can't I watch one or two, I have never drawn anyone in a hospital bed" (my internship was in a clinic).  I think if I wasn't so tense, I would have peed a little. Oh, and I should since mention my 3 week internship, which ended in August, I had not even touched a needle. I know I have mentioned before...at least I think I have, that my nervous reaction is to shake. Great when ya have a needle in your hand...NOT. I knew I was going to shake, because I had the same experience my first few day on the internship. I wished at that moment, I were a nervous puker, or sweater.  I  became very confident, and proficient by the end of my internship, but I still knew I would have the stupid shaking thing my first few days  at the hospital.

The first patient, was a difficult draw...major scar tissue on his arm, so I had to draw his hand.   I I was shaking so bad, that if I were brushing my teeth, I wouldn't need an electric toothbrush. SO, compund the shaking, with having a not thrilled department head watching, and never having the experience of drawing in a hospital, and ya have a reciepe for disaster. I did tell my supervisor that I was very nervous, and had not drawn since August.

I did manage to sucessfully get the draw. I think the fact that the patient wasn't really awake helped. The needles they use at the hospital were different than the ones I trained on, so I couldn't figure out how to close the saftey when I was done. One of the MOST important things when drawing blood, is to immediately close the needle. The next room was not much better.

The 3rd room...disaster. I went to put the arm of the bed down, I hit the wrong button. I slammed the very elderly woman down from 90 degrees to FLAT. When I say, "slammed", I MEAN it". The woman started crying, and wimpering, "It hurts, it hurts", and moaning. The nurse cam in and said, "HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT'?! I pretty much wanted to run away and cry. All of this was before 5:00am.

My supervisor asked me,"What is wrong with you". I told her again that I was nervous, in a different setting, and that I had not drawn since August" She asked where I had worked last. I told her, "At the greenhouse".As soon as I said that I felt even MORE like an idiot. It was one of those moments when ya see the stupid word bubble above your head, and just want to erase it, or pull it back. Immediately, after I realized my stupidness I responded,"Oh drawing blood?...No place yet this my first job". She just looked at me and shook her head, "I thought you had like 2 years experience". "Nope", I responded. She at least understood why I was such a wreck.  She is not the one that interviewd, and hired me. I had thought she would have gotten the memmo on the fact that I had just finished school.I ovserved her the rest of the rounds.

The rest of the day got better. I was with a different person for the second half of the day.  She was not nearly as intimidating as my supervisor. I did a few more draws that day.

I spent some of the time in the ER. That was kind of entertaining. There was a woman there, she was on her way up to the mental health floor.  When we went to get her draw, there were 3 security guards outside of  her door. She was trying to smoke in her room.

Friday went really well. I was in the Out Patient clinic all day. I drew all day long. I had calmed down a ton from the day before. Some shaking in the beginnig of the day, great by the end. The supervisor I had been with the day before, asked to see my log sheet(I have to be oberved for the 1st 100 draws, and write them all down). She was very suprised when she saw I hadn't missed one all day. I had a great helpful trainer/observer. I was in a clinic setting, which helped me get my confidence back, and hit my stried.

I  hope I still have that same confidence on Monday.

I was telling my hiring supervisor on Friday about the whole bed tradegy the day before. He mentiond, that the supervisor makes people that have been drawing blood for years feel nervous. He also told me a strory about when he was training. He told me a guy died WHILE he was drawing his blood. At least I didn't have anyone die on me last week.

One small step for Ann, one large step for Annkind!

There have been so many times I have been ashamed in my life...some  not so long ago (we will talk about those soon). Today, I am very proud. So proud.

To many getting a job might seem to be a menial, necessary task to live. To me, it is life changing.

No secret that I am an alcoholoic, no secret I have been in jail, a number of times. I am not bum, I look like most "normal" people. I would like to believe that I am above average intelligence...(some may question).

So let me explain, why I am proud. My husband, my wonderful husband...had a great job as an executive in a fortune 500 company in NYC. We were living together at the time, and my kids were getting to middle school years. I told him I HAD to move back to WI. I struggled, because I loved him so very much...I had no idea what he would think. I also KNEW that my children were so much more important, and needed their mom, and dad in the same place.

He never hesitated, he said, "Let's move!" I was so impressed so amazed. Within a few months we sold the house out east, and bought one 6 blocks from the kids' dad. The first year he commuted back to NYC. He would leave early Monday, and return late Thursday. I had my first WI DUI by then. He knew I was a drunk, and so did I. Again more on that stuff later.

After a year of commuting, he really, could not deal with it, emotionally, physically, or mentally. I understood. He was an executive for a great company..how hard could it to be to find a job here? I mean, he did have both Milwaukee, and Chicago to deal with. We knew that the outcom out it could be hard. That all happened..um right before the economy took a dive.

He was out of work for over a year...He did some consulting, which helped...but not enough. FINALLY, He did get a job, a good job. Unfortunately, by that time we were in debt....a whole lot...I was an, on and off drunk..(again which we will address a bit later).

So I had to tell you all of that, so I could tell you this:
I floundered for a while, wondering what I should do. I worked for several years seasonally  at a greenhouse. We were really in some financial straights. I KNEW, the only way out of this was me. So fast forward a few years of the floundering. I KNEW that I needed to work. I KNEW I had to do something that would guarantee me a job.  I KNEW I had to go back to school.

I choose health care, I thought that was a good choice considering the economy. I had been sober for about a year and a half by that point. There was a girl that was a cell mate of mine, that was in Phlebotomy a few years ago. We talked..a lot...what else was there to do? She got out to go to school. Huber.  I learned it was a short program..especially if you had prior college credits. For some reason that stuck with me. So a couple of years later, when I KNEW it was my job, up to me to get us right financially. I chose Phlebotomy. Well, that and the fact that blood, and needles don't freak me out.

I enrolled, I started classes...about a month in I got another DUI..(I will also save that story for later...stay tuned..it is a funny, good one).

I finished my last semester incarcerated. Only a bit more than a month ACTUALLY in jail, the rest under house arrest. I will briefly go into some details...but will save the rest for later...sorry. In fact, I will later totally explain all the drama of trying to go to class at another time. All ya need to really know, I was incarcerated the entire last semester, in one way or another.

OK so finished school, I ended my 175 day sentence. I actually, got an internship...which worried me, because they do background checks.

NOW it is all me. I got stellar grades, I did amazing at my internship..well... except for that whole nervous response that I SO cannot control. Some ppl puke, some sweat, ya well, my nervous response it to shake...not so great when you are coming at someone with a needle.

Good news, within a few days I calmed down, hit my stride, I became very proficient. I was doing very hard blood draws. The patients' would say, "I'm a hard draw." I got them right away. It was so cool.

I will fully admit, I am so VERY sorry for the first few, god bless ya....I was shaking like a leaf. TY!!!

I had one woman that was visiting the area, she had to have her blood drawn every day. Sadly, she was one of my first. BRAVE WOMAN! She was so kind. She saw me shaking. She asked, "Are you nervous?" I said, "Yes, very". She said, "Honey, breath, and relax". It so happened that every day she came, I happened to draw her...for two weeks. After two weeks, I was pretty good. I drew her a few times after. The last day she came, she made it a point to say good-bye. I was busy drawing someone else, but she waited for me to be done. She said, "YOU will be just fine, you always had great love, and concern, your technique is good, ya need to just get over your nerves, and you have."

So now time to find a job. UG! Every morning I would wake up, and go on EVERY greater Milwaukee Area health care website and look for jobs. "Are there any new listings since yesterday?"

I would apply, and apply, and apply. The thing is in this day and age...they just reject ya on line...via e-mail. I felt like I had a double whammy....just finished school...NO EXPERIENCE, and every time I filled out an application, I had to admit my arrests. Every time, it made me cry. I kept my chin up for awhile.  OK, so here is why I feel selfish. I finished my internship at the end of August.  I NEED A JOB NOW!!!. I know that is stupid, there have been ppl looking for jobs in their field for years..um like my hubby?

I had friends of mine saying, "All in God's time".  I have never been good at working on anyone elses' time frame than my own. Well, don't ya knew we addicts need IMMEDIATE gratification. The good part of that is we ask why we were not chosen.

Wholly moly this is a long post...eh it's worth it. Why," because I said so". I borrowed that one from mom. Anyhow, I had gotten a rejection from a different location within the same company that, I had already interview with. On an aside, it was my first face-to-face interview that I had....after countless e-mail rejections. I actually called the HR person I spoke with initially. I sucked up my tears and asked..well because I need to know, "Why am I no longer considered for this job"? I had to leave a message.  The HR person called me back so fast..like within 10 mins. She said, "Don't worry, you ARE still in the running, that was a different site." WHEW!!!

I was so worried about having to tell the truth about my past.  I was honest from the onset. I was honest from the phone interview. Worried, but honest.

Why am I so proud, you ask? I am proud, for persevering, for not letting my faults impede my success. I am proud of myself for my sobriety, I am proud that I KNEW I was the answer to my family's financial issues, and took action. I am proud that even before I messed up, I corrected, and followed through.

I am a VERY impatient person, I am also very driven. As much as ppl would say to me about finding a job, "All in God's time". Ug I was frustrated. I need it now! I need to help my family...NOW.

I think I found a perfect fit. A great hospital, and clinic associated with them. They are non-for profit, they are very Christ based; they never turn anyone away.

What was amazing to me is that they are fairly large in Southern WI. They have 5 MAJOR hospitals, and countless clinics.  When I was in orientation today...there were only 2 Phlebotomists hired. Myself, right out of school, and another that has 15 years experience...and he had been working for them through a temp service for 4 months.

YEP that was so a God thing.

I think that is all I have to say about that.

Christmas Day

I am quite sure that I will not be able to keep this to half a page: My apologies for that in advance. Please try and hang in because what I have to say may be quite important. I have learned time and time again that “I” am not very important…but the message I may bring can be the most important one of all. Please use what you can and leave the rest.




This has been a trying year in many ways, my husband has struggled with depression, we have had financial trials, and my father, and my rock…can no longer tell time anymore, due to his progressive disease. The only way I can get through all of these things are only faith, and HOPE. I feel however, the following is my best example of how faith and hope has most recently affected my life.



“I am an alcoholic, I don’t care who knows it, but it is important that I never forget it”. I borrow this phrase from a good man whom I respect. I think there can be many parallels between any addiction, the path to recovery; and the path to believing and following Christ. I have seen them both first hand.



Myself, I have struggled with both in my life time. At time in conjunction, but mostly individually. I have learned that both a commitment to recovery and a commitment to God are not too dissimilar. I feel that with both there are many components. Puzzle pieces if you will. For example, fellowship, community, the word, caring the message, and prayer. If one does some, but not all, the puzzle is never complete.



I learned recently a hard lesson in my recovery. I wasn’t doing all the work; I thought I was better than my AA community. I had heard the same story OVER and OVER again. I thought I GOT IT. I was still not drinking, still in “in the word” (daily AA readings), still talking with people on the phone. I did not, and chose not to be in meetings…”fellowship.”



A few months ago when things were going well, and I “thought” everything was under control. On a Tuesday, on the way to school, I thought it was a good time to buy, and consume a half pint of vodka. Why? I have no good reason…it’s a confusing disease. That is a fact, and not an excuse. I was wrong in that I wasn’t properly treating the disease. I did have immediate guilt. I did turn around to go home and not drive any further. I was on my way back home, and I saw a car with smoke coming from the hood. There were kids about my kids’ ages. I pulled over to see if they needed help. I offered my AAA card for a tow. The police arrived shortly. They asked me why I was there…I told them I stopped to help and gave the kids my AAA card. WELL…. The officer could smell the booze on my breath, and asked if I had been drinking. I said “yes.” An immediate whorl of panic, and dread plagued my brain. I KNEW I was in some pretty big trouble…AGAIN. Although, I begged God in that moment for help not to be in trouble, I knew what the outcome would be. I KNEW that I was completely out of line, and I also knew at that moment that I had not been doing what I should have been doing, in my AA program, and with Christ. I had taken myself out of the community. I thought I was better than that, or so I thought. I had put myself in the driver’s seat.



Working with God, and Christ is so much the same. We need to work all parts as I spoke of earlier. If we leave out even one piece the puzzle will never be completed. I know this in both recovery, and in my spiritual growth, but sometimes I just don’t do it. We all need to be involved in EVERY area.



Ok here is the cool thing. As hard as it was for me to be handcuffed in the back of a squad car AGAIN…I heard the dispatcher saying…”So you have a DUI AND a good Samaritan in the same stop?” The officer replied, “no, the DUI IS the good semaratin.”



Sense then I have had my hinney in a whole lot of meetings. I have brought some new people to Riverwood that I have met at the meetings. I should have met them earlier, but I chose not to be part of that community. I don’t know…maybe they will stay, maybe not. I know that I was not fulfilling hope in the times I chose not to be in the community. I wasn’t there so I could neither help others in AA, nor spread the message of Christ. I feel that spreading the message IS hope. I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, and that I have to have faith in God. HOPE!



I have to try to stay out of the driver’s seat and just have hope. Hope that if I can just be quite for a moment and listen I will be directed in the right way.



Today I have so much hope. I am so very grateful for my husband, and family to see me through this difficult time.



I have even a greater hope that I can be a better disciple in that I have learned over, and over how not to do things. What does not work. The program of Christ is simple, the same as it is in AA (a Christ based program), Surrender, believe, read the word, live and be in the community, and carry the word. Seems so simple. Why do we complicate it?



I thank all of those around me who are so understanding, and supportive. I will be away for a few months. I do think I did something wrong, and do deserve some punishment. I am not sure what it should be, but I will deal with whatever the outcome may be. I am not ashamed to tell my community what I have done. Shame and guilt are good and important emotions. I also do know that we do no one any help if we are stuck in them. They are only emotions meant to exist for a short time. We need to move through them quickly so we can grow and evolve into a better person. We need to evolve into hope, and faith. In these emotions we can help others. We can grow our community, we can become stronger.



I have learned in the last several years through difficult times comes growth. I surely believe that. I also believe that hope, and faiths are what have always gotten me through rough times, even when I did not realize it. The really neat thing now is that I KNOW that faith, and hope will always be the way of my life even if on occasion I have to get through shame and guilt to get there.



It’s Christmas day. A good friend of mine died today. He chose not to use every puzzle piece. I cry for him, but mostly I am sad that he couldn’t put all of the pieces together before he passed. I will carry his message that if we can help one another and live in hope; we will be able to make the pieces fit together. Again, this message applies to all of us. Make it work…we all need to do our part.

Toss it all back to Christ, and God.

I am not sure where to go today? I think I gotta toss it all back to Christ, and God.

This is what I wrote, and was actually asked to read in front of my Church, on the day I was baptised. Actually, both my husband, and I both were that day. It was June of 2007.

I wrote the following:

I grew up being taught to believe in God, and Christ. I was raised in a very traditional Methodist Church. We went every Sunday. I attended Sunday School, conformation class, and sang in the church choir.

I was disturbed about, the gossip I heard after the service...during the coffee hour. I didn't much like Church then. I thought it was boring, and droll. My brother, and I often had a mad game of dots, or tick, tack, toe, to pass the time.

As I grew into an adult, I questioned religion. I started to believe hat all churches, where hypocrites. I still felt spiritual, but I was not exactly sure what was exactly "out there." I knew there was something greater than myself, just not sure what. I stayed in that place for many years.

I went through a divorce, I was in NY at the time of 9/11...I had just moved there the week prior. I was a model...I was booked solid for fashion week. Then 9/11. My career went to sorry, shit. I was angry on a number of levels.

After some time I did meet my husband...things did get better, but not a lot. A few months into the relationship, I had a mental breakdown.  It was during the creepy uncle, reunion times. I was still abusing alcohol. I began to reach out to GOD from my darkness. I thought about finding a church, but at the time it seemed a daunting task. Most of my prayers at the time were foxhole prayers.

I got my second DWI, and knew there was no avoiding jail time. It was my first in WI...Which will be important later...I am having to re-write what I had initially wrote, for the baptism,  and I will address a bit later.

 Anyway, I knew at that point I was an alcoholic. I just could not admit it. Fear overcame me. I was so defeated, so broken. There was no lie, no avoidance tactic that would not let my husband, my  children, my family, my friends, and my neighbors from knowing I was going to jail.

The foxhole prayers, were replaced by prayers of strength, and forgiveness. After many months in AA, and many relapses, I got down on my knees one night. It was an experience that I can't exactly describe. It was an experience I will never forget. I felt something, I am sure it was God come over my body. It was an experience I will never forget. I still had jail ahead of me, I was no longer so afraid. I started not to be so concerned about what ohters' thought of me. I had the strength to walk through things that terrified me.

Selfishness has been replaced with a desire to help others. Difficult relationships have become easy. Sobriety, is a gift. It was all because of the grace of GOD!.

Please see more that follows...I fell again, more than once. I still believe, it is only through the grace of God...I am here to speak.

Thanks.

Mom, I missed you today.

I got my diploma. I never went to the ceremony...not my thing...I owed them money too. I got my job...So grateful. So I had to pay my bill..to get the degree. I will go on for more schooling. I promise.

You asked me one time would I graduate....in your lifetime...I did...I so did.

Dad, I miss you, I miss you so much. I miss our talks, I miss your advice. I so miss you

Fishing

I was wondering what I would write about today, Nothing really came to mind. I consulted my muses. They had some good ideas, I will use  them , just not today. Thank you muses.

Fishing. Fishing with my dad. I miss my dad, he has altzheimers. He was such a stubborn ass.  He refused the fact he had it, and any medication that might help him.

My DAD, my rock...he never mixed words, but always gave a great smile, and praise. I remember telling him I was engaged for the first time(yes there were several). He laughed a bit. I asked why? Dad said, "That man is not enough to hold you." I did not get married to that boy. He was a good man, just not a good fit for me. Dad knew.

Dad and I had a standing Wednesday fishing date...for years. If it was Wednesday, I knew I was fishing. Even in high school.  I looked forward to fishing. We stopped to get sodas, and stuff for sandwiches.  I so enjoyed fishing with dad.

It was a fairly large boat. I think 28 feet..or so. There was a rack of lures on the passenger side. Ya had to be careful not to put your head back. The boat did have a toilet....we were never allowed to use it. Why?, you ask?...no clue..Some drama about it being hard to clean. So instead, we had a 3lb coffee can. Use the can and toss it over.  As ya might imagine, the initial few cans were lost in the great Lake Superior. Modifications were made. SO a hole drilled through the side of the can, and the 20 foot twine tied to the can made sure the piss can would come back. I will say that after dad figured out the can...well we had the same can for many, many, many, many years..to the point where you, if ya were a girl,ya had to sit your ass on a very rusty rim of a 3lb coffee can.

I loved our fishing days. So cool, I even remember the call letters from the marine radio. "This is the Nancy Claire, WZA3154 to whom ever.".

I miss my dad. I miss him tons. I used to call him once a week or so...we would chat. I miss that.

When I got home from college my freshman year, the boat was "for sale." It was in the side yard. I walked into the house crying, sobbing. I asked dad, "Why are you selling the boat?" He said, "I don't have anyone to fish with anymore." He said, "If I do want to fish I have many  friends that have boats."

I talked to dad a few months ago. I talked about fishing. He didn't remember, at least not much. He responded, "I used to have a boat." I was trying to hold back tears..I just said,"I know dad., I know."

Wood Pickin'

I know that I PROMISED to talk about jail, and I will. I just really need to lighten up a bit for a few days. Last week was emotionally draining. I need a break.

Ok so after my first year at UW(madison), and living with 3 other girls, and  paying a stupid amount for rent, I chose to live off campus.

A very good friend of mine, and her boyfriend moved in together. I also had my first fiance move in as well.

It was a town home, on the west side of Madison, WI. We first did the walk through in May...it looked nice enough. Actually, wholly crap, it was 3 bedrooms, 2 and a half baths...we thought we were gonna live the high life.

It was cool...we thought very cool. The furniture was hummm...how do I describe it..."shabby ghetto." We had a gold/green/I am not sure what the other colors were plaid, couch and love seat. We actually bought it, I think we paid $75.00. I am not sure if you remember the VW beetle commercial...where the 2 guys are driving, and they pick up a chair that someone  had put to the curb. They pick it up, and it smells bad, and then they drop it off on another curb...yeah...kind of like that.


I was still in school the first semester that we lived there. Sadly, within a month or so the legs broke off the couch..on the same side. SO I had my Spanish dictionary, and English dictionary holding up the couch. Mind you this is all really pre computer. So I would be writing a paper, and have to retrieve my dictionary from the foot of the couch.

I had adopted a dog, and so did my friend. So now we have 2 dogs. At the time neither of us probably should have. So I told ya it was a 3 bed-room. I was in one, my girl the other, the third..the dogs used, and used, and  used some more.

I could go on, but I think that is all I have to say about that.

SO when winter came we soon found out that the frickin town house had NO insulation. NADA, NIL, NOTHING! Even if we set the thermostat on 50 degrees, out bill was $250.00 at a minimum.

UG FREEZING!!!  BUT, the town house had a wood burning fireplace. So this is how wood pickin' began.We were broke, desperate, and cold. We took turns bouncing checks to the eclectic company.

So wood pickin started. So the girl that I lived with, and another friend we recruited went wood pickin'. Which means that you steal wood from others wood piles. Yes, we stole wood. So there was a runner...usually me, a loader, and a driver. It was amazing..we were warm. It was such a bummer when we put the last log on the fire. We would move the 2 legged couch right in front of the fire, and play boggle for hours. When it was the last log, "crap we gotta go wood pickin'"

Damn those motion lights!. So on one very happy wood pickin' night...well ya can only do it at night. I was the runner, as usual, as usual, the motion light came on, the loader slammed the hatch on my head, the driver drove away. My ass was laying in the snow, just trying to hide. Good news, they did come back for me.

So that is wood pickin'

You are Great!

I decided, we all need some brightness to our day.  We need some warm fuzzy thoughts. This is real for me too. I will continue on with more dramatic stuff, but for today....These are the words that came out.

After every storm there is a calm.

After dark there is light.

After every today there is a tomorrow.

After mistakes there is another chance.

After sorrow there is joy

After pain there is healing .

After loneliness there is unity.

After the snow, and cold of winter have left only bare branches,
spring will bring new leaves, and green grass.

It seems that we are allowed to feel and witness such extremes for a reason. If it weren't for feeling the bad, what would it be to feel good?

We would have no reference point, thus we wouldn't understand, or experience jubilation without having felt sorrow. Unfortunately, life isn't always kind, or easy; and sometimes even awful.

 Thankfully, there is a tomorrow. We know for a FACT  that light will follow dark. We also know that the storm will end,  and after there will be the brightest sun to warm and dry the once dampened earth.

 Such simple things are often over looked.Take the time to look, take the time to believe, take the time to understand.

It is so hard to believe that happiness will follow sorrow. It is so hard to wait for the light to peek it's way out of the dark. Sometimes we wonder if the rain will EVER end. We wonder WHEN the sun will shine

Have faith.

Have faith in God.

Have faith in yourself.

Have faith in your family.

 Have faith in your friends.

I have faith in you.

Sometimes we look too hard, and too far to find what we think what "should be."

Sometimes we look so far, we loose sight of ourselves.

Start with yourself, you're important. Much more important than you would have ever imagined.

Important beyond your wildest beliefs.

Greatness by many is misunderstood.

 Many of us try to determine our own greatness. We try to live up to a life that we THINK  will make us great.

The truth is that we do not determine our own greatness. Only others that we meet along the way, and impact their lives can determine our grateness.
I think you are great.

No one is meant to be with out fault. I'll be the first to admit that. We are human, we are imperfect.

I know how strong you are. I know you will find your calm, your light, your healing, your spring.

Never give up!

Never stop.

Remember, others believe you are already great.


Love,

Me..

Ok so more on the Dogs,

I don't ask much, almost hardly anything at all. What I  ask of my husband...sooo many times,: That he finally does it. It is not all his fault. I expect  WAY too much. well that when he does the garbage...that he replaces the bags. What is even more amazying is that he picks crap off of the dogs , and hands it to me...YET...I have no place to put it.



He Prides himself in being the "neat organized," garbage GOD. Well I will tell ya I have no garbage bag replaced.


he no refilling the g/bags just REALLY annoys me. Ya want to have, clean, perfect garbge....Then make it happen with the whole refilling the bags, and all.



Ok I am done!

When Mothers Attack.

I don't know where to start. I was doing charity garden work, ran a couple of errands, took the dogs to the dog park. It was a very pleasant day, after a bit of a rough week of facing difficult family stuff in my blog.


My mom had called the house, then my cell.  I was unable to get my cell, so I called the house as I was on the way home from the dog park...DS answered, sd g/ma had called. During my conversation w/ DS, g/ma(mom) called my cell again..I picked up. She was ranting, That my brother, had let her know what I posted on FB "How could I say, those things about she, and her family on FB?" I explained I didn't say them on FB..it was a blog..She never stopped screaming.  I am not angry at my brother for sharing those things with her..I figured he would. I had hoped her response would be different. I expected  pain, I expected confusion, I expected questions. I didn't expect to have to take cover from mom shrapnel. I didn't expect HER to BLAME me. I was wishing for, hoping for something else.I have seen my mom pretty mad many times, never this angry, never this spiteful.  We usually have Thanksgiving at our home...we enjoy when we can entertain, especially the family... She very spitefully included, before she hung up, "AND WE WILL NOT BE AT YOUR HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING!!!" I thought, that a VERY interesting response, considering her brother that raped  her sister, and  had harmed me in unspeakable ways, was welcome at a family reunion. As she was SCREAMING I tried to tell her." I never uses names. "I tried to get a word in edge wise, it never happened, she wouldn't listen. I told her I would be home in a few mins, and would call her back. There is an interesting saying in AA, "When you point one finger at another, there are three pointing back at you."

I did call her back. She said," I am so hurt and embarrassed." I said, "Really, how do you think I felt after being paired in  foursome with a man... your brother that violated me?" How do you think I felt, When HE was allowed to be at a family gathering at my brother's home?" I am sure she never heard what I said. She never shut-up enough to listen. She, "FORBID ME to write about her again." So sorry mom, I know have a voice. Not to hurt you...to help me.

I think that is why I have been so hesitant to talk about these things. I feel that to be honest, I will hurt others. The fact of the matter is, I have lived in a, "Don't rock the boat" family for so long, I am not sure if many of them even KNOW what normal is anymore.

"Yes, Mother..this IS embarrassing!!!" Your brother, is not embarrassed...he is still very sick. It's not his fault, he grew up in a sick home...It is not your fault either. He is, and should be held accountable for his actions! BUT, most of all IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!!

What, I don't understand, from my mother...is that she just doesn't get that this process helps me. I am not doing this to her her, or anyone else in my family. I have said it so many times...Secrets KILL! I know it...I have lived it.

I am a drunk..I have talked about it many times..and will again. Same thing...be honest, or be dead. I choose life, and honesty. Sadly it is not very pretty sometimes.

My mother screamed in a moment that I could truly barely  understand what she was saying, but then I finally understood what she said, "WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ABOUT YOURSELF?!"  Clearly she really has not read the blog. I tried, again to speak with her, and explain, that in fact, I write about all of my drama...usually my own personal drama.  She hung up. actually twice, I called her back once. I got so angry, I chose not to a third time. I have been nothing but honest here, and will continue to do so. If my mom chooses not to speak to me anymore, because I told the truth...WOW, that will be hard to take. At least, it won't eat me up from the inside out. I will NOT, "Just get over it."

I have been in so many places I have not been proud of. I admit them. I have made so many mistakes, as a person, as a parent, but I admit them. I am willing to correct, and change.  Before, my mom hung up the last time, she made it a point to talk about the "stripper years...oh and how I "left" my children. I fully admit I was a stripper, I had a need to control men. I wonder why? I NEVER left my kids, I worked abroad, a couple of times while modeling( about a month at a time). I was, separated during one of the times. I may have  had marriage issues um..because I was violated, by your brother, and no one dealt with it? As ya might imagine, especially, after finding out  my ex-husband cheating on me with in the first year of marriage..(I was still married 9 more years). I might have been a bit confused. Especially, on how inappropriate male/female behavior was addressed in my family.

No mom, I don't blame you for being so crazy...Maybe, I should just expect it. You did not have the best role models. I will, be so sorry if we don't speak again, but I need to tell the truth for me...not you, not your family, for me. I would hope, as your child you would understand. I am sorry you do not. Maybe, just maybe, you need to think about that long and hard....Again, I don't use names...but I cannot prevent others' comments either.

Mom, guess what? Within only 2 days, of writing this blog, on the "secret subject" ...there have been a number of women who have contacted me about incest. Woman, that may not have otherwise. I am sorry mom, I don't want to hurt you, I just want to hurt less..I want other women to hurt less. They need help, just like I do.

I am sorry if you don't forgive me...I forgive you. I love you.

Final thoughts on Incest

I have a few final thoughts I need to share before I put the incest chapter of my life to rest. I needed a day to take a step back, and think.

I regret nothing I said. I only told the truth; it was important for me to do so. I love my family very much, that does not mean I always have to like them. The story I shared was not to cause them hurt, I told it to keep me healthy. If there is one thing I have learned in my 40 years on this earth...it is that secrets cripple, and could possibly kill. At the very least they cause grey hair and wrinkles....Sorry, just had to lighten up for a bit.

I was told to, "Get over it, and to let it go." I was told, "To get rid of the chip on my shoulder." Thankfully, I have been through enough therapy to understand, those were the words of someone who is still sick. I KNOW that my mom witnessed, and probably experienced sexual abuse on a regular basis...as did her brothers. I can't even begin to imagine what that does to a person. I can understand that she said, "Get over it, " because her life was so tormented it did not even compare.

All that being said, ONE TIME, JUST ONE TIME..IS NOT OK...IT WILL NEVER BE OK. That is exactly the behavior that needs to be stopped. I am sure that my experience paled in comparison, to my mother's. I am sorry mom....that is NOT my problem. I am not the warped one, that would allow this man to be at a family function, instead of me.

My mom asked me, after they found out what had happened, when I was 14...seven years after it had happened, "Did I want to go to therapy?" I said, "NO!" Really, I was 14, going through enough adolescent crap, the last thing I wanted to do was dredge up, crap that happened 7 years ago. She dropped it, I really don't think she knew what to do. I am telling ANYONE, and EVERYONE, if you are reading this, and God forbid, you have to deal with anything like this...get the kid therapy. Be the adult!

Sure this happened one time. That is all it took.

All that being said, I know that I need to find forgiveness. I know as a Christian, I have to forgive to find peace. It is not easy. I have to forgive, that wretched man, I have to forgive my mother, and father, my brother for allowing HIM in his home, my sister for telling me not to tell. I know many of you who read this, may  be thinking,"How can you forgive those things?"

I have learned it is more damaging to ME to not forgive. It is not up to me to punish anyone. I leave that in God's hands. As the saying  goes.."it is like drinking posion myself, and expecting the other person to die."

I am so trying to forgive. It is going to take some time. I know if I don't it will eat me up inside...just like it has been all these years.

Funny thing about that day when I was at g/ma's house at 14. My Uncle's hands were gnarled. It was like nothing I had ever seen before or since. I guess it was bone spurs...I remember thinking, "Maybe that was God's way of punishment."

I have one other guilty thing to get off my chest. I KNEW he had several children...many girls. I have no idea if he abused them or not. I always carried the guilt, that if they were abused, it was my fault. I could have stopped it if I would have told sooner.

His wife left him, when he was put into military jail for sexual abuse...again I don't know any details. I never was able to speak with my cousins again.

So don't keep the secrets.

I only wish I could have shit

The last part of this story goes something like this. I was with my DH at the time although, we were not yet married. I was pretty much a drunk, at that time, or at least  really ramping up to being full blown drunk.

It was time for yet another family reunion, to be held around the time of g/ma b-day. My brother was hosting. I still lived out east. Even though, I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown, (which finally happened) I asked," will uncle so-n-so be there?" I was initially told no. So I bought plane tickets, blah blah. I found out about 2 weeks before the party that uncle perv WAS in fact going to be there. Now remember this gathering is at MY brothers home. I called, my brother, and said if HE is going to be there I will not be. I also told my mother this, it was her brother.

My brother said it was, "Not up to him." My mom said, "Oh, get over it already, that was years ago." In my head I thought, "WHAT?!" Thank God I was in therapy. I REALLY could not believe that they thought it was OK for my uncle to be there? Oh wait, it gets worse. This same uncle, my mom's brother, raped his own sister. My mom was the oldest of 8. My aunt that was raped by her brother was the youngest. It happened when she went to babysit for him, he has 8 kids(scary), during college. He did this, in his home, when his wife, and children were there. AND I AM  THE CRAZY ONE? GET OVER IT! REALLY?!

Ya all think, how could that happen? Right? Me too. I do  know how they could be so messed up.
Ya see my g/ma got pregnant with my mom out of wedlock. My great-grand ma told my g/ma to go have the baby, and leave it in an orphanage. My G/ma did not do that. She brought my mom home. Sadly, my Great-grand parents would not let g/ma be with my mom's dad. They made her marry the farmer next door. He was not a good man. He was a drunk, physically, and sexually abusive. I know he abused my aunts. Mom says not her, but I think he did. The brothers saw this man, their father, treat women in that way. They are warped...all of them. I am sure they were told to "SUCK IT UP, AND GET OVER IT."

Because I had already bought the plane tickets, we went. I talked to my therapist almost daily then. Yeah weird right I'm in therapy, and they are not. Go figure. I even amazed my shrink with this story...hard to do.
OK, now I know that douchbag is going to be there, I have the tickets, I decide to go. I did also hold my ground in that I would leave when creepy arrives. So instead of staying the entire weekend, we arrived Friday, and left Saturday. We made other plans..."The Dells."

We got to my brother's early Friday afternoon. My sister-in-law took me up to her bedroom to have a talk.
She told me she had, "no idea" of what had happened to myself or my aunt. She apologized. I think the first ever to do so. She was probably the only sane one at that point. I had been pleading, fighting, lamenting with my family about this subject for weeks. How could she not know before that day? I now know how mental my family is. I for sure know how secrets kill. I guess that is my reason to blog.  You all might find it good reading, but I need to because I want to live.

Anyhow, when he arrived, he was escorted to the back. "They" let me know he was there and my family left through the front door. I was still seething....I was so pissed off. Why HIM over ME?

The next day most of them went golfing...I chose not to go that year. My family went to my brother's for breakfast that morning to see the family that did not golf. We stayed about an hour or so, and then went on to WI Dells for some waterpark fun. It was hot that day...really hot, and humid. I mean like 95 degrees hot.

My Uncle, yeah...that one...he left his car parked outside my brother's house...the windows were open. I guess he had gotten a ride to the golf  course with someone else.  We were almost 30 miles away...the kids in the backseat watching a movie, I was driving. My husband, my WONDERFUL husband, handed me a message that he had typed on his blackberry. It read,"I pissed in your uncle's car, on the seat...I only wished I could have taken a shit."

I was pretty sure I was gonna marry him before that, but that sealed the deal.

FINALLY, someone stood up for me...finally someone took action.

My only regret is that I never REALLY told my dad how much his not standing up for me hurt me. He has advanced altzheimers...he is no longer really there. I wish I would have talked to him sooner.

I am not exactly sure what started me on this tangent. I think it was my mom telling me that all of my parenting is wrong.  Just before my mom, and I had that talk a good friend of mine had to excuse herself from a jury because the case had to deal with a perv, and she knew someone abused. She asked me if I would blog about it. At the time I thought I would, I just didn't think it would be so soon.

Like I said, the words come as they come.

Parenting? REALLY!?

I am sorry to report the incest story only goes from bad to worse. The next time I saw my uncle, I had two children of my own. It was my g/ma's 70th b-day. I was married to the kids' dad then. He stayed right by my side.  He was great, he understood the madness. My uncle tried for a moment to talk to my DD, I pulled her away.

The next time I saw him I was in the process of divorce. My g/ma was loosing the fight against cancer. It was her final days, I went to say good-bye. He stayed in the garage.

After that I saw him at a family reunion. (We would hold them around our passed g/ma's b-day...end of June). I was living in NYC at the time. I was engaged. There was a golf outing that day as part of the gathering. Guess what? I WAS PAIRED WITH THE PEDOPHILE! Surprised?! Me too. I mean what the hell? I actually went to my mom who had dropped us off to golf, while she was gonna watch the kids, and said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" She was upset, and blamed it on my dad for not having a clue. Luckily, my brother showed up late, and I golfed with he, and his family. STOP THE INSANITY!!!

We got back to the clubhouse, and this ass, my pervert uncle, is trying to get my fiance's attention. He said, "HEY, HEY you....HELLO? are you going to introduce yourself?" I shot him a glare, I was surrounded, by my fiance, my dad, and brother, they all knew what happened. No one said a word. Not one word. Finally, I had to turn and say, "I don't care who you are, and I will be only polite for g/ma, but shut the hell up."

I could not believe that my father, the one who cried, my brother, the rest of the fucking family stood by and said nothing. NOTHING. I mean WTF!

I kind of know WTF, they are so messed up they don't understand normal...more on that in a bit.

I will say, "Really mom...really?, you want to tell me how to parent?"

Dad cries II

No one ever really knew what happened that day...and no one will. I will tell you it was bad, very bad. There were two bars/stores not far from our cabin. My mom told me to go get milk for dinner that night, there was a path through the woods, a short-cut. It was the afternoon after the ride with my uncle. I was glad to go, to just get away. My Uncle popped up out of no where. He said,"It's our secret?!...right." I was creeped out and ran. I had to eat dinner with him that night. I wanted to kill him. Thank god they were leaving the next day.

I told my sister after it happened. She was 12 years older than I was.  She listened, but said we should not tell mom, as she could not handle it at the time. At that time I had another uncle who was a drunk, and killed a someone on a motorcycle, and paralyzed the passenger for life.

Thank God they lived in Georgia. The next time I had to see him I was in 7th grade. Some family reunion at my G/ma's house. I remember so not wanting to go. I tried to make every excuse that a 7th grader may come up with.  As you might imaging, nothing worked. G/ma lived on a farm. I choose to walk the fields all day. It was the best option I could think of at 14. I was out walking all day...and then behind me was HIM. I didn't know if I should try to run...and there was no place to hide. He said to me, "Remember our secret?...if you tell I will hurt your family."

I ran, I ran, I ran, and ran more to the top of the hill, to the place where the house looked like a dot. I heard them call dinner, I didn't go. I stayed on the hill crying. I got into a bunch of trouble later, but I didn't care.

It was about a year later when my parent's found out what had happened to me. I really don't know who told them, or how it came up. I don't know who was on the other end of the phone that night. They won't tell me.

I will say, I was sitting on top of the stairs, I somehow just "knew" what they were talking about. It was the only time I heard my dad cry.

Believe it or not there is more...but I can't do it now.

Dad crying II

I will never share what happened exactly to me. I REALLY don't think it is necessary. I will tell you it fucked me up in ways I can never understand, or explain.

The only time I saw my Dad cry.

I was seven when it happened. My Uncle and his family came to visit....at the time he had 6 kids 4 girls 2 boys, two girls were twins. I can tell you exactly what I wore that day...Holly Hobie shorts, and a white tank top. I had never met his family, because at the time they lived in Georgia. He was military.

I was so fortunate to have a family that not only had a summer home, but also a fishing boat.

My uncle on the way back from fishing...I think at that time our boat was docked about an hour or so away, my uncle said I could ride with him.I thought, "sure".

Little did I know. My cousin, his son was in the car too. Uncle told cousin to get in the back, It was station wagon from the 70's. He told me to slide to him. He unzipped my Hollie Hobby shorts, he put my hand on his penis...that is all I will say about that....

I will post this, but there is more...so much more.

A JOB!!!! GREAT!, but wait.

This is a bit of a weird post. It is full of both happy, and sad...hang with it, it will be worth your time.

I started writing this a few days ago...I had to leave it alone for a while. I was afraid of the words that would follow.  I was afraid of being "real." I am still very afraid, I have tried to avoid as much as possible. I am out of excuses. I am so sorry mom, I don't mean to hurt you, but some things just have to be said.

I know, I know we will talk about more jail later.

BUT NOW TODAY...HOOT!!!! I got a job!!!! A job in the field that I trained in.  I have a physical, and drug test next Tuesday. Then I Will follow up with some corporate training, and be working in mid-October.

The downer was that only about 45 mins prior, I had been fighting with my teenage DS. Sometimes so tough. I feel like sometimes, it is his job to try to kill himself, and my job to keep him alive. ( Not my own, I borrowed it).

It has been a few trying days with him. It is hard to talk about it. I am a mom, I am on his case....about getting a job, getting good grades, doing the right thing...etc. I will fully admit I was so not a saint in high school. I did however work 25-30hrs a week, I was ALWAYS on the A honor role, and was involved in sports, forensics, National Honor Society, Weisberg Swim ( during lunch hour we worked with both mentally, and physically disabled people), to name a few.

First of all, grades were just EXPECTED of me..the rest was my own choosing. At least, I was driven. This child seems to just not care...about ANYTHING! 

I see him going down a path, a path that I am so concerned about. I hate to say it, but once addiction is in your family...the odds of it affecting your child grows exponentially. At least I was driven...enough to want to get a job. Maybe, I really just wanted the independence.

I had to tell you that story so I could tell you the next.

I was so VERY excited about getting a job, the first person I wanted to call was my mom. My mom...I so long for her approval, her praise. When I quit college way back when...she asked, "Will you ever finish college...in MY lifetime?" In that time, at that moment, I really had NO plan to finish school. SO some 20 years later, I did. Not a 4 year college, but tech school. I still made the best grades, I worked hard. I started my last semester in jail. So not proud of it, another DUI, another really stupid choice. School was very serious to me non-the-less.

The first person I called to tell the news was my husband. The next I wanted to talk to was my father. Except, my dad is not there anymore. He is there physically,(Alzheimer's) but nothing else...well nothing but golf(for some reason he has that on his hard drive)

So I called my mom. I told her the good news, we had a nice chat for about 5 mins. Then she asked about the kids. I told her I was having some problems with my DS. She just chose to berate me, and tell me all the things I had done  wrong. She disagreed with my parenting, and again told me I was wrong.

"Parenting?!", I thought WTF( yes mom I swore). Let's talk.

My thoughts on the rest will be in the next blog...that will very closely follow,

Please Hold

I am sorry for not posting the last several days. I have had to REALLY think about what I had written. I have other things to do  this morning.  Including, dropping of a bloody stool (sorry) from a cat..."Big Mama",
Having a standing coffee date with a fellow drunk, and sending my coupon trains on the way.

I will post later.

I have struggled, really struggled, to decided to post what I have written.

Be back later.