Is it ME?

Is it me? I feel the light. Is it me?... I used to feel so bright.

Is it me, I cry my tears. Is it me...for once in all of these years?

There is no more...that's all I got. I have been doing a ton of thinking. I hope in the next two weeks I may finish this. Not for you, but only for me!

Love,
Me

"Remember When" Famiy Crack!!!!

This is the song that was played during the video slide show at my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. It brings back so many good memories. It also makes me think about the kind of wife, and mother I want to be.

I have watched the DVD montage with that song in the background so many times....the DVD is not working anymore. I called my sister to see if she has another copy. I am waiting on it. I told her I play it often...to see the photos of mom, n dad in younger days, to see me, and my siblings while growing up. I would play the  DVD when I felt alone, when I missed my family, when I wish I could turn back time, and just fix everything.

The funny...odd...cool thing is, that she does the same thing.

She said she would get me another copy. It, I  guess is family crack. Every now, and then I REALLY need a fix.

Please enjoy the song!.

Remember When lyrics




Remember when I was young and so were you

and time stood still and love was all we knew

You were the first, so was I

We made love and then you cried

Remember when



Remember when we vowed the vows

and walked the walk

Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard

We lived and learned, life threw curves

There was joy, there was hurt

Remember when



Remember when old ones died and new were born

And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged

We came together, fell apart

And broke each other's hearts

Remember when


Remember when the sound of little feet

was the music

We danced to week to week

Brought back the love, we found trust

Vowed we'd never give it up

Remember when



Remember when thirty seemed so old

Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone

To where we are,

Where we've been

Said we'd do it all again

Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray

When the children grow up and move away

We won't be sad, we'll be glad

For all the life we've had

And we'll remember when

I thought I had something intellegent to say...

I did promise the next time I thought I had something to say worth while, that I would jump out of the garden, write it down while I was driving, or make a note when I could not sleep.

I broke my promise.

Yesterday, when I was in the garden, I felt like I was suddenly enlightened. I had a great thought....possibly a revelation. I did, at that moment....with dirt between my nails, rain on my face...(I was trying to get all of my last moment planting done before the storm), a  busted out a flip flop on the way in...I was trying to get to my computer to record my thoughts . I was met by the sick cat, who pooped on the counter."Crap," I thought, both in a figuratively, and  literally. I cleaned the poop. I also was stopped by 2 of the 3 kids that live here to answer a question or two.  I then,   had to talk to hubby about our dinner plans....and, and, and...

I need to think about what was so important that I had to say at that moment in the garden. I so lost the thought.

I will work on it, and try to do better.

Perhaps, a note book in the garden.

I hate my hair!!!

I have been growing it out since I turned 40. That was a year and a half ago. I decided to grow it out one more time for locks of love. 

It has grown a ton. Especially, at the time it was about a half inch long. It needs to grow about another 3 inches. I did the math on were I want it to be when I donate.

It gets snarled, always. I asked my dear hubby to try and braid it the other night...It did not go well. I use conditioner by the bottles. I have no current hair style.

When I modeled, all of the hair people hated my  hair.

I can't wait to cut it off. It looks like I won't be able to do that until the end of summer.

Just sayin'

Just trying to walk through the day.

This week has been a super hard one. Sick pets, mom depressed, saving a Friend in distress. I have cried a  ton.

I have had some really neat people connect with me. That was so cool!.

I am, trying to figure out when I can go "home".  Going home is super hard for me. One of my best friends on this planet(you know who you are)...Tells me I have to do it. I respect her for saying that. I respect her for a ton. We are such good friends, that we can tell each other where to go, and when. We are such good friends, sometimes we just know. Just know, when to speak, or when to shut up. Or sometimes, just be.

I KNOW I need t go home. And I  thank my friend. I thank my very good friend for slapping me in the face to deal.

I wish I had something GREAT to say....

I wish I had something great to say. But I don't. I wish I had some sort of Revelation, but I don't. I wish, I had some funny story to share, but I don't.

The honest truth, is that I have had a bit of a rough week. The honest truth is that, I had to hunker down, and cry for a while.

The good news is that, hunkering down, and crying for a while...is ok. As long as you don't live there. I am so trying not to live there.

I need to go home. I don't want to. I need to go give my mom a break. I talked to her on the phone the other day, she sounded so tired. Going home, means I have to accept my dad's Alzheimer's. I have accepted it...I just can't handle it.

It has been such a stressful week, and it is only Thursday. I have a sick cat....that I have to take back to the vet today.I had to call my hubby home from work, because we thought, we might have to put her down. I busted in to a smoke filled house, to find, a 94 year old friend in a  diabetic coma. I talked to my mom, and she did not sound good.

I am a bit at odds with myself. I am 41, and generally feel young. I am not sure what 41 should feel like. This week, I feel old. I feel tired. I feel defeated.

I go to bed every night, to start a new, better day. I pray that day will come....SOON!

I LOVE MY DAD!!!

I have been stuck for weeks. I did not know what to say. I have struggled a ton. I still don't know what to say, I don't think I will ever have it right. I have not blogged in weeks. So why now?, you ask?  I will tell you. It is Father's Day! I think I have a pretty great Dad.

Let me tell you about my dad. I hooked his ear when fishing one day. He took it well. My Dad went on to show me all of the best fishing skills.

Some years later, we were hunting birds. We were hunting in my grandpa's corn field.  I was maybe 7 at the time. I kept asking..."is this one...is this one. After many resounding "No's" I asked one more time...It was one...It was a partridge.

My dad is a awesome man!!!! I love him, and cherish him every day of his life!!!!

He has  given me life lessons that I can't even begin to explain.  He has one of the best sense's of humor. He almost always makes me laugh.

He knew me inside and out. I miss who he was. He was my pillar, he was my rock.

I loved being a tom-boy. I loved being my dad's fishing partner. I loved sports.  I loved every thing that dad brought into my life. I loved that dad would laugh at a stupid comment I made to mom, while we were gardening.

It went something like this. We had bags of cow poop. Good for the garden...yes...Smells so bad. I think I was about 16 at the time. As dad, mom, and I sat in the garage of our summer home. I asked, " How much more COW SHIT I would have to move. Dad, laughed it was priceless. Mom, was mad at dad. It was an awesome moment with dad.


Dad is sick now. He is not gonna get better. I so love him. He is a great part of me. As my tears  fall down my face. I am so glad to have my dad in my life!

Sometimes...I just don't know!!!

Sometimes, I wonder where my life brings me. Sometimes, I am so frustrated. Sometimes, I wonder how to connect with my children. Sometimes, I wonder if the good I am trying to do, is good at all. I hate to say, sometimes, I just don't know.

I have done a whole lot of  searching.  I still feel a bit lost.

I promised I would report when I had something to say.

I am sorry...this is all I have for now.

AGAIN! I have no words!

I have a bunch to talk about but the words, just don't seem to come at the moment.

I am sorry for that.

I am working on some new blog posts. I am still here. I am still thinking. I am still writing. I just don't know what I want to talk about first.

Writing is not coming easy at this point, and I never want to force it.

Sometimes when I am driving, I write in my head. I think, "That's really good...you need to put that down". By the time I get home I lost the thought.  The other day in the garden, while I was pulling weeds, I had some major revelations. I should have ran to the computer at that moment. Now the thoughts are not so clear.

I  promise the next time I have something interesting to say I will at least take notes if I am away from home. If at home, I will stop what I am doing, and write.