My No dry-eye Christmas Story!!!!

The day before I decorated my cart, I had the pleasure of meeting a patient in ICU. He was more alert than most in ICU..he was reading the paper. He and I had a great chat...about his family, and mine, how I came to this job...so NEAT, I honestly can't say why there was such a connection, but there was. I was at the end of a very long shift..the 23rd of December. I had offered to work part of a shift for a co-worker, that meant I would be at work on Christmas Eve for 15 hours, and do a turn around and work another 8 hours the next day.  It also meant that I was 8 days straight with no day off. 

Anyway, this man...this very kind man..in ICU was so pleasant, (most people HATE to see me. eh I get why....non the less I do it with a smile, and a joke in my back pocket), but he was too cool. I noticed he had a really neat little tree. So cool, it was teetering on a folding chair...but lit and all. I commented on how cool that was. He told me his grand kids had brought it for him. That was the night of the 23rd of December.

Now, I had offered to work the early shift for a fellow co-worker that had some family stuff going on.  Somehow, from some place, after I had scraped the sleep out of my eyes on the way to work and, had a cup of coffee in me. I passed a Walgreen's on the way to work, I had a thought.... The first thought was that, Wholly crap there is a ton of Walgreen's on the way to work. (Funny to only a few, but really funny to some). OK, so now I am committed, I know they sell battery operated lights, and cards, thank GOD my hubby got the silly hat earlier.

I grab the lights, cards, AND batteries...I am dressed in my holiday scrub garb...with this stupid smile on my face. The cashier asked, "Going to work, or home'? I for some reason proudly said, "TO WORK!, I got these lights to decorate my cart" Probably TMI for her pleasant chat"

Anyhow I taped the 3 battery operated lights to my cart, with the silly hat, and went on my merry way drawing blood. I had many encounters that made people smile, especially, when I dropped a "Grinch", or "Peanuts" card off after I poked them with a needle.

One of the stories is the one I told previously.  Which, was so cool.

http://trying2getit.blogspot.com/2010/12/no-idea-that-i-could-make-such.html

So, later that day after about hour 10, I had been in the ER most of the day. I made it a point to stop back at the gentleman's room in ICU, that initially inspired me. His family was there. I said, " I don't want to interrupt, but you inspired me...see my cart, I have a card for you". He gave me a hug, and introduced me to his family.  It was so cool.

What was even cooler on Christmas day, the next day I worked,  I was feeling the death  tired the overtired , where, you are not sure where to laugh or cry. On top of that I  had a bit of a bug. At times I was not sure I would make it the whole shift.

At one point, I had just drawn a patient on the 3rd floor,  and as I was zooming around the corner past the 3rd floor waiting room, I  was wondering how much longer I could make it. On the way to pneumatic tube to  send down the "stat" blood I had just drawn....I saw, my buddy, my inspiration, AND his family. You see this is good news, because ICU is on the 2nd floor.They  were hanging out in the 3rd floor waiting room.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I, came up with a good quip,"I see you are looking for a change of scenery"? I re-acquainted my self with the family, and said, "Hi, and Merry Christmas"! The family was so cute, so funny. They told me to let my husband how lucky he was, I assured them he knew, I also let them know I was equally lucky. They told me how much joy I brought into a bad situation, they told me about how my  "magic funny cart"was the talk of the ICU.  I still felt pretty sick. It just made my day. I was close to the end of my shift on Christmas Day, I made an extra lap  around the ICU, and dropped of cards to those I could.

Those are the important things in life, those are the "REAL" gifts. I am not gonna lie, I was dead tired, and pretty sick myself, I went home, and slept for 15 hours. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.


We are celebrating our Christmas with our family on New Year's Day. I do work New Year's Eve..I am done at Midnight. You can bet I will have one ROCKIN' blood cart. So Rockin' you will have to stay tuned to find out what party you may have missed.

No Idea That I Could Make Such a Difference

OK, So if you have been following....I have been working a ton. If you are not following...go back, and catch up.

Anyway, I had decorated my blood draw cart with battery operated xmas lights, and a funky hat. I also have left xmas cards for the people I had to stick in the arm with a needle.

There was this woman...I drew her blood in the ER...Yesterday, my first cart decoration day...I happened to draw her again, but she was now in ICU. Her husband was there, he saw me pull up. With the Christmas light cart. She was in an isolation room. We are never told why the patients are in isolation. It could be that they could give something to me, OR that I could give something to them. BUT ya kinda really know what the case is. 

Since I had drawn her in the ER two days prior, I knew she was not a harm to me. Even so, I have to leave my cart outside the room...totally "suit" up with gown, mask, gloves...even before I enter the room .

Her hubby said, "YOU GOTTA SEE THIS" (my cart). I explained I could not bring it in. I did however, give here one of my "Peanuts" Christmas cards. She laughed. Just at the time I was leaving her room, she had another procedure being done. Her hubby was on the way to the waiting room.  I PROMISED him that I would sneak in later so she could see my cart.

Some 4 hours later, I did just that. Blinking lights, silly hat,  and all. We chatted for a while.

Today, I ran into the husband in the hallway. He told me how much I had brightened his wife's day. He asked, "Could I give you a hug". I said, "Of course!"

Am I boasting?, maybe?...probably. I maybe selfish myself in how it make me feel good to help another...even if it is only to smile when they are sick.

So anonymous. I can't see where sharing stories of happiness is a bad thing.

Oh anonymous, I talk with, and help my "alkies" every day. Just as they help me.

Another good light cart story to follow, just not tonight...I am a bit too tired.

Thank you all,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

My First "Kinda" Hate mail.

See the comment that follows...

http://trying2getit.blogspot.com

 Although, I am a bit tired, because I worked part of a shift for a fellow co-worker that had a family emergency, as well as my normal shift...and I am working for another tomorrow. Eh, It's  ok, we will celebrate our Christmas on New Years Day  That was our plan all along. Even being more than a bit tired, I felt compelled to respond to the above comment.

I do not feel that sharing with others your good deeds is boastful. I DO believe that "paying it forward", is contagious. I do believe that we hear about death, crime, and awful things much more than we hear about good. We need to talk about good things, share neat stories, and BOAST about good things we have done.

I agree...You can do something kind, and say nothing. GREAT! The unfortunate thing is, that many don't do that.

So Anonymous, I am so sorry...I totally disagree. Being Boastful, about good...is simply being boastful about good.

Anonymous,  I have a few questions for you. Was Christ boastful when he shared stories of good will? Was it boastful to "Go Tell it on the Mountains"? Is it boastful to celebrate my savior's birth?

I agree humility is very important. Not in this case. Not if one story, one blog, will help someone to help another.

I have to totally disagree.

Why? you ask...the notes I have read(I wish I had more, and I am always striving for that).

Why is it important to be kind, and tell stories...hummm, well try the next few stories on for size.

They will follow shortly.

Common' People! REALLY!!!?

I know that there is good, and kindness out there. I know that some one has something to say. I know I said I would not post any new stuff until after Christmas.

I need good tidings, good will to men, and women..if we are PC. 

I am so very frustrated! WTF...Ya, ya heard me.

Do something....Be something. So something for another!!!

Look, it is not about a gift of money, it is not anything more than time, or a phrase, or holding a hand.

I decorated my "vampire" cart today. I had asked my husband to find me a great hat, a silly hat. He did. It was a wire spiral Christmas tree...Motion activated. So cool! Sadly, I have a really small head. When I had to deal with glasses , I had to choose from the kid's section.

Anyhow, on the way to workI had a thought. I KNEW that Walgreens had battery LED  lights. AND CARDS! I happened to choose both the "Peanuts", and the "Grinch" cards.

I got to work, my cart adorned with my battery lights. My hat still did not fit, and if I tried to draw blood would end up in the lap of the patient.  So the hat, the blinking tree hat, was the centerpiece of my mobile blood sucking cart.

Well then, depending  on the patient, I choose the  proper card.

I said I would not post, and I have many more stories to tell.

I make the rules....I need to hear more stories,,,,for me to tell the "GOOD STUFF."

Frustrated with Humankind!

I am not quite sure if I am feeling just... in feeling frustrated with humankind....maybe I am just waiting for humankind to be kind.

I am so frustrated with the lack of response to my last post. I had a few comments, and don't get me wrong...they were great! I had just had hoped for many more. Maybe, random acts of kindness are happening right now...I hope so. I would love to hear about them...as I am sure would many others.

In many ways, I feel they rarely happen these days. We get so wrapped up in our own stuff, we fail to realize what others need. Need what?...I don't know. Need something. What can we give?...I don't know. We can give something.

Like I said, I have the ability to know how many people read my blog a day...it is many. Sadly, my numbers declined as soon as I stopped talking about jail. Sadly, they declined...when I started to talk about being kind.

Don't get me wrong...I still have thousands of readers..just not as many when I talk about "good will". I think that is sad.

If you were interested enough to hang with me through the worst, and comment, and pray...Why not now? Why is being interested in the very bad so much more interesting than the very good?

Look, in doing this whole blog thing...as I said in the past...It was initially for myself. In the process I ended up helping other's. In some VERY difficult, dark places of their lives. In addition, I helped myself.

As I have also said in the past, I only speak what is in my head at the time...I try to do it as truthfully as possible.

I will try and always do the next right thing...I also know at times I will fail. I am only human. Helping others IS the RIGHT thing.

That being said, I will only post this message, and re-post the last one until Christmas. I would love others to share their stories.  I would hope that others would share in my joy, as well as my sadness.The truth is I don't have time to be sitting around here typing...There are only a couple of weeks before Christmas.

I think that is all I have to say about that...well unless I start getting some great positive response

Random Acts of Kindness..Pass it on!!!!

Ok so far too much about jail. Far too much about gloom, and doom.

Let's move on. On to something much more important. KINDNESS. Tis the season.

Listen, I KNOW for a fact I have followers, in MANY countries. I can read the stats on my blog. I KNOW for a fact that in the last month I have had 2000+ ppl who read my blog.

I challenge each one of you to provide a random act of kindness, AND share it with a comment.

Let me lead with some examples. Last year around this time..there was a woman, I saw, almost every day. She worked at the store where I bought smokes, on the way to an AA meeting. I know her name, but will not use it. She was in tears this day. It is weird how sometimes, we really don't know someone very well, but are very touched. She told me she was having MAJOR financial issues, that she could not buy Xmas gifts for her grand kids. During the conversation, I got the gender, and age of the kids. I was in a bit of a bad place knowing I would be going to jail soon. I did not have a bunch of cash to share. I was moved. I had a a rebate gift card from Walgreen's, and $20.00 in my pocket.

Although, my children were teens, I tried so hard to figure out what a 5,7,and 9 year old would like.

It was so amazing! I went right  back to the store after Walgreen's. I brought 3 gifts. It was so odd, so cool. The things I chose, were "perfect" for every child. I was for sure guided by something greater than me, by God.

The grandma, that worked at the store cried, she called me an "angel". I was not an angel,  I just did the right thing.

That was last Christmas. During this past summer, I happened to be shopping at Aldi. Clearly, the woman in front of me was having a child's b-day party. Clearly, she was short on cash. She was going to purchase a kids pool, Ya know the cool inflatable kind with a slide. She did not have enough money. I told the cashier to add it to my bill, she cried.

The point is not to make people cry. The point is if you CAN help, then please do.

It does not mean money. Maybe a gift of time. Maybe babysit for a young mom in you neighborhood. Maybe spend an hour visiting with the elderly. Shovel a sidewalk.

Just GIVE. Give what you can, money, time, concern.

Just so ya know, I am sure that I did not give to help another...not necessarily..I have to admit, it made me feel GREAT.  Maybe random acts of kindness, are not for others, maybe they are for ourselves.

No matter the reason, I think we all win.

If you have not shared this blog with other's please do so now.

By this time you should have someone in mind who you will help...please pass it on!!!!

Some things you may not know about jail.

I thought I was done talking about jail. I was sure I was. I happened to watch an episode of "Cell Block 6". A very good friend of mine had mentioned it to me in the past. She asked if what was shown was true.

Ok so Jail, the untold story.

Inmates are VERY industrious.

Why?, you ask? Let me explain. In my time, "on the inside", I learned how to make two "jail tampons" from one maxi pad.  OK, I must explain.  So for example, in Racine, and Kenosha County, pads were given...no tampons. They were not the "Always light, with wings", they were the big gross pillow pads. I was schooled on how to make two tampons out of one pad. It is a bit too hard to explain writing...but so ingenious. Actually, impressive.

If you watch "Cell block 6", yes the inmates actually use colored pencils for make-up. Just so ya know the bricks, and tile, make an excellent pencil sharpening station.

The inmates, create food from the vending machines. One thing is called an inmate taco/burrito. I must say I did never sample it. Apparently, it is a number of chips from the vending machine, some beef jerky, and what ever else that could be found. Most jails do not have microwaves, so they would put this mix on a heater. Like I said, I never tried it.

When I was in Racine County Jail...the one with the sink, toilet combo...yeah that one. There was a bend in the pipe just before the toilet. The bend perfectly fit a bottle of soda. The pipe was cold...and kept the soda cold.

Every jail I was in, we ALWAYS had chores. Yes, ppl were bought off to do chores. There were trades, like money, or commissary, for doing an other's chores. I NEVER did that.  I would rather clean the bathroom.

Yes, in every experience there were lesbian issues. Again, never an issue for me. Just so ya know...it was never forced, never a problem. Those that did, did. It was never a forced thing.

I think that is all of the jail secrets I can think of at the moment..I am sure there are more.

If you have any questions please contact me. I am always willing to talk.

At this time, I will put this subject to rest.

Jail, Jail, Jail #7d House Arrest?!

So, it had been several months. Even though, I had to work thought the bracelet battery failure....several times.  I was rockin' school.

BUT, I had one more very embarrassing hurdle to overcome. I LOVE to garden. I work seasonally for  a local green house. The owners, my employers, were, are, very conservative. They called me to set up a schedule.

Oh the pain. I had to admit to them, that I was...well..in jail. They were very cool. The reason why I had to tell them..was to be able to go to work..my employer had to submit a schedule to the jail. There was no way out. Nothing but honesty.

So scary. It had to be done if I wanted to work greenhouse season...which I LOVE. I had that very difficult conversation..oh it was horrible for me. I feel so blessed that they were so cool about it.

The season starts in May. It was a REALLY hot may. I still had my bracelet on. I was wearing jeans all the time to hide the bracelet. Oh man, the hottest May EVER. So hot my ass was sweating...I think at one time we have all been there.

On an aside..yes an aside once again. I had been at home, and baking while at home. I was at home eating my baking. I gained 20 pounds. Let us just say my jeans were a bit tight.

That being said...Thank God, that I only lived a few miles away, and DH could bring me more pants. I split the ass in two pair of jeans...on separate occasions.

It was hot as hell in May. Yet, I could not wear shorts. I could not let my bracelet show.

One day, oh one very special day. A detective came to my work. Well, they check up on us  criminals..to make sure we are "actually" at work. Luckily, the detective found me there. It  was all of about a week before I would be free. Good thing I told my boss the truth...they were both there that day.

The detective asked for me. I walked out of one of the greenhouses. She asked me if it were me. I responded, "YES, how can I help you?" REALLY?, I saw the cruiser, I knew who it was.

Funny thing was, after I showed her my bracelet was fine, and obviously I was on the job...I tried to sell her plants. My boss laughed.

I responded.,"It is what it is..but let's not loose a sale"!

I think that is all I have to say about jail. I will never say never again.

For now, I am done!!!!

Jail, Jail, Jail #7c House Arrest

Ok, so we talked about the late night phone calls. What we did not talk about was equipment failing. AND it did...A lot. There were many nights, when I got calls from the jail, saying that I was not at home. "Duh, they called me at home and I answered" Clearly a flaw. Apparently,  the jail is SUPPOSED to send back the ankle braclets after every use...APPARENTLY they do not. So when the battery stops working, ya go "off line".

The first time this happened, I was told that  I had to have my happy ass there ASAP. That required me waking up my husband, and carting the modem to the jail.  Oh, it was the battery. Nevermind, I had a major test in the am. Both DH, and I were up until 2am.

The battery thing happend 2 more times.

I was so pissed, so annoyed. At one point, I could not go to class, I was grounded. Grounded, means, I can't leave my  home.

I was so very annoyed, I JUST  wanted to be left alone....I wanted to finish school.

Funny, so the schedule was the same. I would ride in with my  DH on MWF, same as jail. When I had class on Sat...same.

My grades were stelller...They always were.

I took my last finals, my last class. I finally, graduated in something.

No one was there...not even me. I was still under house arrest. I could not go to my own graduation.

Even so, I was so happy! so thrilled, so honered to have a skill. A "normal" skill.

Wait there is more....

Jail, Jail, Jail #7b House Arrest?!

Ok so, I had figured out the logistics of the house arrest. We needed a "hard line" phone line..some how the "Matrix" came to mind, although not nearly as exciting. In fact, really annoying. we called the local phone company to add the line..I needed proof of the line before I could get turned loose. The jail also had to have access to my phone records at anytime. It seemed a bit invasive, but home or not, I was still in custody, and so had no rights. Although, I only needed the line for a few months, they only give 1 year subscriptions...we are still paying for the line EVERY month. Finally, to be done in February.

The phone line was set up in our office(on the main level). My husband the "saver", managed to dig up an old banana phone to plug into the hard line. Oh, another stipulation was that the phone could not be wireless. I guess it was good he was a "saver".

Ok, so I could report we had the line, the jail verified it. I was due to go home somewhere around February 12th-14th...it's jail, there are no definites in jail. I had heard from others that once you get your drug screen, you get sent home in a day or two. Which is odd, because they ALWAYS do random urine, breath tests on those that go to the "outside". Whatever, I was still not confident that it would ever happen. I chose to have the take on it,"If it happens GREAT, if not I will be ok, and out for my DD graduation.

One night when I was actually able to fall asleep with the lights on, with the woman that was in the bunk next to me that constantly had horrible night terrors (her story was really horrible, I understood the terrors), the guards walking through with the jingling keys, and the bathroom toilet(right next to our room flushing, it seemed every 5 mins.)..ALL NIGHT LONG. That night, along about 3:00am, I was woken up by a guard, she was annoyed, she told me they had been calling  me over the PA. REALLY?!, they do that all night long..ya tune it out. If it had do do with me, they would come find me...guess what?, they did.

I was escorted down to the guard booth. It was myself, and another woman who also was to go on house arrest around the same time. She was already sitting on the bench. She was drinking water, she had just peed a bit before they had called her down. With sleep in my eyes, and the weird excitement of a drug test, I chatted with her, as she  slammed her water. She still couldn't pee. The guard said that I was up. As I got off the bench with my fellow inmate, I said,"Damn, I really wish I hadn't done those "ludes", yesterday". She laughed, the guard did not. I was totally busting up..(on the inside), really?, ludes? Did the guard think I was from 1970? The drug test was fine..Duh. After, my comment the guard seemed surprised..again I mentioned they are not the sharpest crayon in the box.

I think that was February 7th or so. I was able to go home on February 9th (I think) around there....it was shortly after my b-day. I thought, "How strange,  it was my longest sentence, but my shortest time behind bars". Hummm?

So the gear they sent me home with was a very stylish ankle bracelet, a modem, another unit that included a camera, and a breathalyzer.

Ok so the phone line went first into the camera box, then the bracelet modem. So to explain further. I was monitored in two ways. The bracelet monitored where I was. Was I at school when I should be was I at home when I should be. It is not like TV, it makes no noise, if you go "out of bounds". If I am not where I am supposed to be it would alarm at the jail.

I was also monitored through the camera/breath box. Basically, a company...I think in California, that is a monitoring center. At the times, I was supposed to be at home, they would call me randomly. ANY TIME DAY and NIGHT...sadly usually in the middle of the night. When they called, I had to answer the phone in so many rings, turn on my camera, zero out the breathalyzer, blow in to the thing while I was on camera, and set the machine back in the cradle so they could read it.

What I learned was that it seemed that I had to be called 2-3 times a day. It also appeared that first, and second shift at the monitoring center were very lazy. So I would get called at midnight, 2:00am, and 4:00am. So annoying, but better than jail. At least when I was woken up, I could go back to my own bed. Sadly, because the "bat phone" was a floor away, and I am a heavy sleeper, my DH was also woken up, who in turn woke me up. I  would go tearing down the stairs, bed head, and sheet marks on my face, to grab the phone in the allotted number of rings. I must say, DH was not a happy camper.

Sometimes, the "bat phone", would go off during dinner. DD had a relatively, new BF at the time. I would have to excuse myself for a moment.

Often, the video would not come through, so I would have to be called back. Which in the middle of the night is so annoying. It's 2:00am, I tear down the stairs to grab the "bat phone",  I talk to the person at the center who called...the camera did not connect. Now I am at their mercy. I slept at my desk a bunch. Sometimes I would go back to bed. It seemed just as I was falling asleep again they would call. I would tear down the stairs again. Needless to say, not a whole lot of sleep for a few months.

I found it a personal victory, when I was up late studying for a test, and they would call. I was like,"HAHA, I was up, do your thing". I am quite sure they didn't care. Like I said, a personal victory.

The weirdest thing was I got to know the people that called me. I was not angry with them, just the stupid system. Hey, they were doing their job. I got to know their voices, their names. We would chat once in a while...weird huh?

I remember the last time I was called.  It was 10:00pm before the day I was released. It was a guy that had called me almost hundreds of times. I told him I was done. It was odd, we had this retarded relationship. Never saw each other..well he saw me. Mostly business, except for the occasion I was awake and studying. He would comment that I answered quickly. HE always said good luck on the test. That night he just said,"Good Luck". The jail REQUESTED I go at 2:00am (that's when they have time) They needed my equipment to give to another. Honestly, I would have rather slept, and turned my stuff in in the AM. Still not my choice.

I still have more to say...not done with this yet. I am done for today.

Hang with me.

Jail, Jail, Jail #7..House Arrest?!

Ok, so one time at band camp..oh no wait. So in a land, far, far, away, oh no wait, that is not it either. It felt like that though. One day in jail, a guard came up to me and asked, if I wanted to be under "house arrest". I was confused, I didn't even know that was an option.

So, under Huber rules..If you work you have to pay to leave Huber to go to work $140.00/wk. If you don't have a job. Like, if you had child care prividlages  OR were enroled  to go school, you do not have to pay. So, I fell under the , non-paying student rule. Of course, the county wants to make as much money as possible, AND create more room for "paying customers". So sometime at the very beginning of February, I was informed, I could finish the rest of my sentence under house arrest. REALLY!? Are you serious? Am I on "Candid Camera"?

There I was, I had not even served 30 days of my 175 day sentence in jail, and they were offering for me to go home, and serve the rest? I couldn't believe it. I did some checking. Thank God my lawyer, made sure I had the judge I had. I didn't even know that it was an option. I guess depending on the judge..the judge can say, "NO ALTERNATIVE  TO JAIL". My judge, the drunk in recovery..did not have that stipulation. I didn't know that. Maybe it was better for me at the time to think that I would be in jail until the end of May. Maybe it was better for me to focus on the good of being in school with an overload.  Maybe it was just good for me to be with just me.

Even when they called me down for the initial consultation, I did not believe. I had dealt with guards, and oh so much BS before.  I told my DH it could possibly happen. I really did not believe it. I so wanted it. I needed to be there for my kids. I so hoped. I later found out that to get to be under house arrest it costs $150.00/week. Not to mention the hard telephone line to be installed. When I found out, I almost stayed in. It was a financial burden at the time...and it was my fault.

DH, and I worked it out. Not easy. There is so much more to say.

I will talk more tomorrow.

I think that is enough for today.

Jail, Jail, Jail #6b

Ok, so where were we?...Right getting to school from jail. Well, FINALLY my transportation, and class, and homework schedule was approved.

I figured out the whole bus thing. There was a bus stop just down the block from jail. I then transferred to a freeway flyer that dropped me off about 6 blocks from school. Not bad.

I had a locker at school. I kept things like my Bath, and Body Works products, toothbrush, and good deodorant, make-up, shoes etc. It worked out well because if I needed something I could let DH know, and he would drop it in my locker when it was convenient for him.

It was funny, because a lot of the same people seemed to used the same bathroom at the same time every day. So  I would get to my locker at school, and grab up my supplies. I then proceeded to the bathroom down the hall, immediately remove most of my clothes, so I may slather, my very tired, dry jail skin, with the amazing flavor of "Sensual Amber" Bath, n Body Works lotion. Ya know that small crack between the stalls where you can catch a glimpse of some one's eye when ya didn't mean too. I had a lot of strange looks. Some thought I simply crazy, a few might have thought I was homeless. Either way, I really didn't care. I needed my good product fix. After the lotioning was done, I would dampen my hair, and  blow it dry with the hand dryer. I put in some hair product, and then proceeded to brush my teeth in the public bathroom. Finally, I followed with some make up. So many strange looks I received in the public bathroom. Ya might even say I was a "regular", or at the very least a "regular 8:30am attraction in the 2nd floor bathroom.

So it's the first day of the semester. I got to school with time to spare. I then went to check my school e-mail. I had gotten an e-mail about 10 days prior(which I had not read because I had no computer access), that said, "I had been dropped for non-payment". WTF! Panic immediately overcame me. I went to registration, to figure out what was going on, I KNEW I paid. I had gotten good at getting my ducks in a row before reporting to jail. Hell, I even set up the locker plan before I went in.

 Of course, because it was the first day of the semester the line was a mile long. I finally got to talk to someone. They look me up, and saw that I did indeed pay. BUT, apparently there was a computer glitch for a few days, and anyone who had paid on-line...well the payment didn't cross over to the right place, and all of their classes were dropped.  "WHAT?!...my classes are dropped? I need THOSE classes, at THOSE times. Lady, I don't think you understand". She was nice enough, she explained that, "I was not alone many students are going through this". "Yea, but how many of them had to explain the whole schedule thing to guards to get permission to go", I thought.

Luckily, she was able to get me back into all of my classes, except 2...they were full. She said, I would have to talk to the instructors to get special sign off to get my classes at the times I needed. Great, it the first day of school, I was high on life getting to get out of jail for the day, I was happy to have figured out the bus with no problem, I was actually looking forward to doing homework..and then before I have even taken note one, I have to run around campus like a mad woman trying to find my instructors to beg them to let me into their full classes. I started, to talk to myself, "Common' God, REALLY?, REALLY?"

I am happy to say by the end of my stressful day, everything did work out. Thank God! I had taken a pretty heavy class load knowing I would have plenty of time on my hands. I was able to be out 12 hours MWF, and 5 hours on Saturday.

I was able to see DH on those days. He would pick me up from school. It was against the rules. I was supposed to be on the bus. We would sneak in some fast food dinners. He would take my dirty clothes, and give me clean ones. We got to get in a kiss, and hug or two. Then he would drop me off at the bus stop,and I would walk the rest of the way.

There were a couple of other girls that were in school too. We would all sit at the same table, and study. Most of the others were respectful of our need for quiet. Like I said it was a more civilized facility.

There were some nights we didn't study. Like the nights when "The Bachelor" was on. Everyone was into that show. We all gathered around the flat screen TV on our plastic stacking chairs, munching on our vending machine snacks. In some ways, it was kind of like a slumber party at times. Well a slumber party, where every one has on the same pj's, has to have the lights out by 11:00pm, and ya can't go home if you're homesick.

What was VERY hard on me though, was, for the second year in a row...I was spending my wedding anniversary, AND birthday...my 40th birthday in jail. I felt horrible for my DH. It was a hard choice...do I delay, and spend our anniversary together, or go in right away, so that I could be home for DD graduation. Well, you all know, the choice I made.

On a happier note. The girls, my fellow criminals, and the guards gave me a birthday surprise. I was on my bunk studying. I heard the guard call my name over the PA. I thought, I was in trouble for something. When I got to the day room, I was met with the girls singing me "Happy Birthday", several hand made cards, and gifts of treats from the vending machine. It almost made me cry.

OK, I once again have to get ready for work.

More tomorrow.

Jail, Jail, Jail #6a

Ok, so where I left off was looking for my DH's "hope" piece he wrote for church...He cannot yet find it. When he does he has given me permission to post it.

I also mentioned I would talk about the outcome of my sentence.

I was sentenced 175 days. to the Waukesha County Huber Facility. I would be able to get out to go to school. Waukesha County only gives you 1/4 of your sentence off for "good time". I quickly did the math, and I WOULD be out for my DD's graduation..."WHEW"!  I started my sentence on January 12th. My new semester didn't begin until January 21st. Which meant I would have to sit for those days. I also was able to get out to see my therapist. I did have one appointment with her about a week in.  I was grateful for that.

I have to say this facility, was the nicest of all of the correctional facilities. There were 3 large rooms, for the women. Each room had about 8-10 metal bunks. They were still the metal bunks with the 1inch thick pads, no pillows, and scratchy blankets, but there was carpet on the floor. It was kind of carpet..more like indoor/outdoor turf, but it was better than cold slab. The bathroom actually had 3 stalls...WITH DOORS...HOOT! The showers had curtains...I was thinking, "This is the "Hilton" of jails". So strange that even in correctional facilities, it seems that things are nicer, more upscale, as you move away from the city, and into the suburbs. The cars in the Huber parking lot were impressive. There were even a few BMW's. The guards were even A BIT more civilized.

Out side of the 3 bunk rooms, there was a "day room" which included, tables, chairs(the plastic stacking variety), vending machines and a flat screen T.V..."What? a flat screen?....I KNOW, I don't even have one at home. The food still sucked. After all it is still jail.

My fellow inmates were, again mostly DUI's, drug related crimes, a few embezzlers, and the few that are jail lifers.

I was organized with my school schedule. I methodically planned my classes. MWFS. So once school started I would never have to sit in two days in a row. I made my first school payment on-line so everything was set.

Again, I was unusually calm about going to jail this time. Strangely at peace with it. I attribute that to finally accepting my disease as a part of me.

The most frustrating part was getting my school schedule approved by the guards. They could not understand that I needed computer time allotted as well as my class time.  Most of them not having gone to any form of higher education, did not get, that in this day and age, all homework is done on a computer, and e-mailed to the professor. So it was even more difficult to explain to them that an hour is not enough for all of my classes, not even enough for one. I had to had my professors write a note explaining for each hour of class you have an hour of homework, if not more...especially with anatomy. They finally agreed so more computer time, but not nearly enough. AND I could only have the computer time on the days I had class. The next school obstacle was that I was in jail in Waukesha, and I went to school in downtown Milwaukee. It was an hour bus ride. So, I would need 2 hours of travel time. Their response was so stupid. "Why can't you go to school in Waukesha"? Duh..."Because, I don't go to school there...um I have been going to MATC the entire time, I am in my final semester, and oh yeah right...I DON"T GO TO SCHOOL THERE"!

It was a good thing that I didn't start school for a couple of weeks...that's how long it took explain it to them.

I have more to write, but I need to shower, and get ready for work.

Stay tuned.

Jail, Jail, Jail #6

Let's see so where I left off, I was trying not to interrupt my DH's serenity. I also mentioned it was, for some reason a turning point in my recovery. I can't exactly explain why, or how. However, in that moment of admitting to the cop I had drank, a weight was lifted that day. I was calm when I called my DH, and told him the news.  At this point, I believe some Divine intervention.

I KNEW that more jail was eminent even in that moment. My whole attitude toward it was of strange peace. I didn't have the feeling of , "How can I get out of this". It was more of, "OK let's address this, and get through it as soon as possible".

I hired a lawyer. I explained that I intended to plead guilty. I just needed her legal guidance in the process. She was the first decent lawyer I have ever met in any capacity. She made sure that I had a "FAIR" judge. Not lenient, not harsh,...fair. I was well aware that a "fair" sentence would be around 6 months. A huge concern of mine was to get through the court system, and in, and out of jail by My DD's graduation from high school. Actually, that was really my only major worry, or want.

I will tell you all about how the sentencing, and graduation worked out tomorrow.

What I do want to include right now is how I felt about this time last year. My pastor had asked the congregation for stories of hope. He used both mine, and my DH's during the service. Mine follows, I will ask him later tonight if I can include his tomorrow.

I am quite sure that I will not be able to keep this to half a page: My apologies for that in advance. Please try and hang in because what I have to say may be quite important. I have learned time and time again that “I” am not very important…but the message I may bring can be the most important one of all. Please use what you can and leave the rest.




This has been a trying year in many ways, my husband has struggled with depression, we have had financial trials, and my father, and my rock…can no longer tell time anymore, due to his progressive disease. The only way I can get through all of these things are only faith, and HOPE. I feel however, the following is my best example of how faith and hope has most recently affected my life.






“I am an alcoholic, I don’t care who knows it, but it is important that I never forget it”. I borrow this phrase from a good man whom I respect. I think there can be many parallels between any addiction, the path to recovery; and the path to believing and following Christ. I have seen them both first hand.






Myself, I have struggled with both in my life time. At time in conjunction, but mostly individually. I have learned that both a commitment to recovery and a commitment to God are not too dissimilar. I feel that with both there are many components. Puzzle pieces if you will. For example, fellowship, community, the word, caring the message, and prayer. If one does some, but not all, the puzzle is never complete.






I learned recently a hard lesson in my recovery. I wasn’t doing all the work; I thought I was better than my community. I had heard the same story OVER and OVER again. I thought I GOT IT. I was still not drinking, still in “in the word” (daily AA readings), still talking with people on the phone. I did not, and chose not to be in meetings…”fellowship.”






A few months ago when things were going well, and I “thought” everything was under control. On a Tuesday, on the way to school, I thought it was a good time to buy, and consume a half pint of vodka. Why? I have no good reason…it’s a confusing disease. That is a fact, and not an excuse. I was wrong in that I wasn’t properly treating the disease. I did have immediate guilt. I did turn around to go home and not drive any further. I was on my way back home, and I saw a car with smoke coming from the hood. There were kids about my kids’ ages. I pulled over to see if they needed help. I offered my AAA card for a tow. The police arrived shortly. They asked me why I was there…I told them I stopped to help and gave the kids my AAA card. WELL…. The officer could smell the booze on my breath, and asked if I had been drinking. I said “yes.” An immediate whorl of panic, and dread plagued my brain. I KNEW I was in some pretty big trouble…AGAIN. Although, I begged God in that moment for help not to be in trouble, I knew what the outcome would be. I KNEW that I was completely out of line, and I also knew at that moment that I had not been doing what I should have been doing, in my AA program, and with Christ. I had taken myself out of the community. I thought I was better than that, or so I thought. I had put myself in the driver’s seat.






Working with God, and Christ is so much the same. We need to work all parts as I spoke of earlier. If we leave out even one piece the puzzle will never be completed. I know this in both recovery, and in my spiritual growth, but sometimes I just don’t do it. We all need to be involved in EVERY area.






Ok here is the cool thing. As hard as it was for me to be handcuffed in the back of a squad car AGAIN…I heard the dispatcher saying…”So you have a DUI AND a good Samaritan in the same stop?” The officer replied, “no, the DUI IS the good Samaritan.”






Sense then I have had my hinney in a whole lot of meetings. I have brought some new people to Riverwood that I have met at the meetings. I should have met them earlier, but I chose not to be part of that community. I don’t know…maybe they will stay, maybe not. I know that I was not fulfilling hope in the times I chose not to be in the community. I wasn’t there so I could neither help others in AA, nor spread the message of Christ. I feel that spreading the message IS hope. I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, and that I have to have faith in God. HOPE!






I have to try to stay out of the driver’s seat and just have hope. Hope that if I can just be quite for a moment and listen I will be directed in the right way.






Today I have so much hope. I am so very grateful for my husband, and family to see me through this difficult time.






I have even a greater hope that I can be a better disciple in that I have learned over, and over how not to do things. What does not work. The program of Christ is simple, the same as it is in AA (a Christ based program), Surrender, believe, read the word, live and be in the community, and carry the word. Seems so simple. Why do we complicate it?






I thank all of those around me who are so understanding, and supportive. I will be away for a few months. I do think I did something wrong, and do deserve some punishment. I am not sure what it should be, but I will deal with whatever the outcome may be. I am not ashamed to tell my community what I have done. Shame and guilt are good and important emotions. I also do know that we do no one any help if we are stuck in them. They are only emotions meant to exist for a short time. We need to move through them quickly so we can grow and evolve into a better person. We need to evolve into hope, and faith. In these emotions we can help others. We can grow our community, we can become stronger.






I have learned in the last several years through difficult times comes growth. I surely believe that. I also believe that hope, and faiths are what have always gotten me through rough times, even when I did not realize it. The really neat thing now is that I KNOW that faith, and hope will always be the way of my life even if on occasion I have to get through shame and guilt to get there.






It’s Christmas day. A good friend of mine died today. He chose not to use every puzzle piece. I cry for him, but mostly I am sad that he couldn’t put all of the pieces together before he passed. I will carry his message that if we can help one another and live in hope; we will be able to make the pieces fit together. Again, this message applies to all of us. Make it work…we all need to do our part.

Jail, Jail, Jail # 5

The last jail story.  Hopefully, so final. One can only hope.

This story,I have been so trying to avoid. Why you ask? Because, I  am worried. I have learned to never say never. I have said that in the past, that, "I Will never do this again. I will never be in jail AGAIN"!

I am afraid of never. I hate always. I have learned to try to get rid of never, and always in my everyday language.

Always, and never are so much the same..." I will ALWAYS do this...I will NEVER do that..."

So, I hope to never repeat jail. The time before this I swore, "I would NEVER be here again". So wrong.

OK so now the story...

So, if you have read the blog, I was just trying to get rid of the alolcholic part of me.  Sadly, it doesn't work that way. I had stooped going to meetings, I had stopped talking to fellow drunks, I stopped talking to my  pastor.

I was in school.  I had a plan. Still the whole getting the family out of debt was my job...I could help(there is more on that....read the earlier posts)

The day, this day...this really stupid day...I had a migraine for a few days. The pain was horrible. I made a really bad choice. It was it the worst migraine ever.I chose to self medicate.At least that is what I told myself. The truth was, that really that was not the truth. The truth was I chose not to treat to treat my disease.

I was on he way to school for a night class. My head hurt so bad. I stopped at a liquor store....I bought a half pint of vodka. I drank it. Thank God, I had been in the AA program for years. I felt IMMEDIATELY guilty. I panicked. "Should I pull over and make myself puke...Oh crap...I don't know...just go back home". I chose to go back home.

I chose to o back home. I started back home, I turned to go back home .OMG there was a car, a smoking car pulled over. I noticed that there where kids in the car. The kids were  very young. At the time probably the same age as my DD. I could not leave the kids on the side of the road.I had to stop, I had to help. It was at that time when the police came up....he wanted to know why I was there. I told him, " I am allowing these kids to get towed. I did help I called AAA to give them a tow. SO  the madness starts. Again the sleepy town next door...well police have not a buch to do. Well, the cop rolled up. I explained that I was helping the kids. And so it goes....

Sadly, he smelled the vodka. Yes, the same vodka I drank. The same vodka I had the guilt about. The same vodka I had turned around to go home about. Yes he smelled it.

He asked if I had been drinking.  I said, "Yes". It was a Tuesday, I know this because my husband was at an ala-non meeting. He goes most Tuesdays. He is there now.

I was defeated. I KNEW the future was not bright. Although in some ways...in that moment...I was strangely ok. I know it sounds odd, but God had me in his hands.

OK so on with the story.....So now the young person I had pulled over to help...and AAA did come....sees me get cuffed, and put in the back of a squad car.

Now, I am sitting in the back of the car, no lies, not being difficult, just defeated. I hear this over the  police radio. "...blah blah..DUI?...I thought you had a good Samaritan on site." The officer replies, " The DUI, IS the good Samaritan."

The officer asked me if I wanted to call someone. I said, "YES." I then proceeded to ask him if I could wait 15 mins, as my husband was currently at a ala-non meeting. Hell, I did not want to interrupt his serenity.

I did finally call him. I told him I did drink. I told him I was wrong. I told him to finish his meeting.

 He picked me up at the Waukesha County Jail. Not my best day..to be sure. However it was a great turning  point for me. I like to call  it the beginning of the beginning.

More to follow, I think enough for today.

Christmas..."Taco Bell?"

Ok, so I know I have to address the the Jail, Jail, Jail 5. However, I had to run into town...I know when I say," run into town".

It seems like I live in the boon docks...maybe so. The kids at that time were 4 and almost 3.I am a half hour to Milwaukee, and and hour and 15mins to Chicago. I... now again live in the same sleepy town. That means, that unless you want a REALLY long walk...town is a bit away.

Seeing the Christmas stuff hung up on the light poles, brought back memories. Some good, some bad. I am sure that  I was on the way to the grocery store. I hated the grocery store.Often it was a challenge to go shoppiing. I had two toddlers. They were both in car seats.

There was a time that my children were behaving so badly..that I left the cart and walked out..people applauded.

Anyhow, The "town" trucks were putting up the Christmas decorations on the light poles.

I am sure that I was tired, and a bit cranky. The kids, who, are now 18, and 16...then they were both  in  car seats. They started naming the decorations. "Santa, Angel, Flower...Taco Bell". Clearly a Christmas bell...but so funny at the time.  I so needed the laugh.  I needed the same laugh today...I got it.

Happy Holidays!!!

What I am Thankful For......

I am thankful for my family....all of them. We may not see eye to eye always, but I KNOW we love each other, and I am happy to have them. I am thankful for my children. I am glad that we can talk and hang out...AGAIN we might not always agree on everything, but so happy to have a relationship with them. So cool that my DD, and I can have girlie dates, I so look forward to more in the future. I am glad that my DS, and I can talk about almost anything.

I am thankful for my DH, my partner, my friend, my lover, my confidant!!!!!

I am thankful for my critters, and there are many. At times, they can be a bit frustrating...like when the dogs ate two bags of dinner rolls yesterday... BUT, that look, that snuggle. I can't stay mad for long. They are always the first to know when you are either physically, or emotionally hurting... They are right at my side.

I am thankful for my job.I really like what I do. I had no idea how long it would take to find one. I found one relatively quickly. I happened to find one that is a perfect fit for me.

I am thankful to be sober today. I am thankful for a wonderful support system of people that keep me sober.

I am thankful for this blog. It is the best way to get out of my own head. I am thankful for all of the people that read it. I am thankful for all of the words of encouragement, and understanding. I am thankful to be able to speak about some difficult topics, and not feel judged.  I am thankful to be able to help others through the blog.

I am most of all thankful for my relationship with Christ, which has made all of the above possible.

Pre Jail, Jail, Jail #5

I realize that I have been a bit off my game.

So, as promised...the next jail experience.  I know it took a bit longer than I had planned, but here it goes.

Before I begin, I think I need to establish the time frame. So the last DUI was in January of 2008, It took about a year to get to the point of sentencing, and I went to jail, on January 3 of 2009. I had been attending meetings. I was enrolled in school for Phlebotomy.

Until then I wanted to get rid of my alcoholism. Again, I wanted to cut it out of me like a bad limb...I wanted it exorcised. I thought I was better than the disease. I thought I could beat it. I felt confident. I stopped going to meetings. I thought I was bigger than the disease. I wasn't, I don't think, that I believed it was a disease. It felt like more of a defect. A defect that I could fix.

That works for a while, but sadly not for long. It is a disease, and just like diabetes, or cancer, left untreated, it is deadly. The rough thing is that when you have, diabetes, or cancer, you usually don't end up in jail for not treating the disease. That is where the whole thing becomes so confusing. There is such a social stigma of being a drunk. It is, in my opinion, easier for someone to say they have cancer. We fell awful for them...we are pulling for them to survive. When someone says I am an alcholic, the connotation is very different."Well just stop, get it together...what is your problem?"

We all picture the bum on the street begging for money. That is so not the case. I know teachers, judges, police officers, business owners, politicians, soccer moms, etc, etc....that share my disease. Sadly, we suffer. Hopefully we suffer together through organizations like AA, or church, or some other form of community. The truth is we offen suffer alone.

Sometimes I wish I had cancer, at least people could understand that. At least I could share it out loud. With this blog, aside from being healing for me...I hope to educate people on this horrible disease. And that goes for any form of addiction. Food, sex, gambling, whatever. These addictions, are all brain altering, and all need treatment. Sadly there is no pill, or radiation that can release us from them. Only much support, and a daily program to keep a step a head of the disease.

I felt I needed to explain all of this before I go on with the next jail story.

The reason is, because the last arrest was a real turning point for me. I finally stopped trying to cut of the dead limb, I stopped thinking I was better than the disease. I finally had to accept being a drunk is part of me. It is part of me for the rest of my life. In some odd way I realized I knew I had to embrace it, rather than run away from it.

That being said the story will follow.

Rough day at the "office"

Forgive me I know I said I would work on the rest of the next blog. For the love of God...I did not even get a chance to eat. It must be near a full moon. ( oh so much more on that tomorrow)

I came home and, dealt with some drama.

Tomorrow is another day. I can only say I will always keep it honest.

More in depth tomorrow....now I need a mental chill with some stupid FB games.

Working on it!

Coffee in hand, cat on my lap, and a full ashtray....

I have been working on the next "Jail" post. I will not be able to finish it before I go to work in a half hour. I will work on it more when I get home after 8:30, or 20:30 in hospital/military time.

Ok, I have been a bit remiss....I know.

I am sorry that my last couple weeks of posting have not been as regular as they had been in the past. I could make excuses, but I won't.  I will only be honest in that, a number of things have come into play.

I still am trying to get used to an ever-changing shift schedule, I have had some family conflict, in some of the things I have posted, I have felt pretty crappy for the last two weeks with a head-cold...turned into a chest-cold, while still working. In addition to all of that I am facing some REALLY hard topics, that I would rather not...but I need to.

I just got home from work. I had a GREAT couple days with my nephew that goes to college in Chicago. I have been bugging him to come visit since September. I am so glad he did this weekend. So glad to have him. Saturday, was pretty low key..DH picked him up at the train station. Had great dinner, then movie with the cuz's...well some of them. There was a bit of conflict between my DD, and DS about my DS's former g/f...but we were able to come to a compromise...(maybe more on that later, maybe not).  I had to work at 1:30 so DH, and I are usually late church ppl....today we went to early church..which we "thought" started at 9:30, with nephew. Apparently, the time had been changed. We arrived, "on time", a half hour late..eh better late than never.

Got home, hung out...a really nice weekend. I went to work DH drove nephew to train after a good lunch...with of course, some homemade jams, and pasta for many...I am sure(DH is Brooklyn Italian). NICE! Hope he comes to visit often.

I swear, I double swear, I will continue the "jail theme" tomorrow. It will be over morning coffee, when I have had some sleep, and a bit of prayer.

Shame, and Guilt!!!

Shame, and guilt are good, and worthy emotions. Their intent is clear. It is a moment in life when ya wish you could take it all back. Unfortunately, you cannot.

Although, shame, and guilt, are good and worthy emotions...we must be careful not to stay with them for too long. They're very important emotions/feelings..but they are purpose is to be short lived. Shame, and guilt  are learning emotions. We are not meant to park ourselves there.

I have had many lessons in shame, and guilt. I have learned much.

Man, this is hard to say, but I REALLY messed up a couple of days ago. I drank. I regret every moment. I involved my son (directly), and I felt the need to  come clean to my DH, and DD.

I don't know, I have no good reason. I made a bad choice, in one moment. How can I be so weak?  My hubby reminded me that it is a disease. It is. It is just such a confusing one. I work hard to overcome it. Just earlier that day I had dropped off flyer's at my club for a T-day open house.

My belief in this blog is that if I can't be completely honest...what is the point. Some days complete honesty really sucks.

I corrected my self immediately. I had to speak to both of my children, and husband, and come clean. I feel a bit better.

I so did not want  to blog about this...I would really rather hide it. I know that is the wrong choice. As I have said before secrets kill.  I gotta be honest, being honest really sucks some times....sorry mom, I said suck.

I am so not perfect. In fact,I am  incredibly flawed. I can only offer honesty, my life experience, and my faith.

Jail, Jail, Jail #4

Ok so it has been a few days since I last posted. Please forgive me...still dealing with the chest cold that won't end. Again..working, then sleep.

Ok so we left off where I was sentenced to 60 days in Racine county Jail(RCJ). I still had no job, nor was I in school. I was so hoping for a "work crew" situation. They did not have a work crew, like KCDC. They had a selected 4 spots of women that would do laundry for a nursing home.  Out of the more than 100 women that were housed at RCJ I was chosen to do work at the nursing home. Again I got one day off of my sentense for every 3 days worked.

In RCJ, we had cells, in a pod, I think it was 8 or ten cells...so 16- 20 ppl. We shared a cell. It was kind of nice haveing my own space..kind of like having a roommmate. I liked it better then the dorm. There was a day room, which was 4 stainless steele tables with 4 stainless benches around the table. Non are moveable, all bolted down. Again, there were cards, I am awesome at spades. I don't know why that is the game of choice in jail, but it seems to be. Followed, by rummy. In the cell, was the sink/toilet combo..stainless steel. Sink on top of the pooper. Sadly, I had the cell that was RIGHT behing the TV. So when ever anyone was watching TV...well..need I say more? I think I pooped 3 times in a month.

Arg..the TV drama....OMG... always a fight....and sometimes physical. I was so happy to leave every day to go clean up poop. Sad, but, true. Yet on this trustee..duty. I was shipped to and fro, from the jail by a sherriff. There were no street clothes, no smoking allowed.

I spent my 2nd anniversary there, and my b-day.


So not as rewading as the food pantry. Basically, my day was filled with what we called, "poop shoots". Now what that means is that when the nurse, or CNA changed the bed of a patient...who shat themselves..they would put the bedding in a laundry shoot in a plastic bag. Well, it should have been double bagged per OSHA, but almost never the case.  One of my jobs was to seperate the poop laundry, from the other laundey. It ws gross, so gross....but better than hanging in jail.

The cool thing was that they hired devopmentally, challenged ppl to do laundry. God bless. But man, if I put something in the wrong place...I had hell to pay.

I must say I loved them. So not like the food pantry...but still cool.

Jail, Jail, Jail, #3

OK, I guess it is time to face the music. This particular blog may be my most difficult to write. Why? You ask? Because, although I knew very well at that time I was a drunk, I couldn't believe, I messed up so badly AGAIN!

I had been sober, with a few slips..but the slips were short lived..a day or two. That is not to diminish the slips. Each one is very important to own up to and recognize. My sponsor, would assign me to go to a meeting the following day, and admit what I had done.

It was January of 2008...almost 2 years to the date, from the last DUI. I was running errands, I had actually JUST left the DMV to renew my license. I was pretty sick that day, I had taken a ton of cold medicine. I also registered for my "Master Gardner" class at the UW-Parkside extension. I had a day where I did slip. I drank. It was an especially bad choice on top of all of the cold medicine.

I had pulled over on the side of the highway. I was parked. It is amazing that I now have 3 DUI's in WI, and in every case, I was never actually driving. I don't know if that is a good, or bad thing...I guess good. The thing is when your keys are in the ignition, you are considered driving. By God's good graces, I am grateful that I was not driving. I should have never been driving. Thank God, I never crashed...thank God I never hurt anyone(physically), Thank God I never hurt myself.

A semi-truck driver, called the police. It was all pretty bad after that. I was a sleep in the front seat when the cop knocked on my window. He wanted me to do a field sobriety test....I was so not able. It was cold, there were cars zooming by, I KNEW I was fucked. I became combative, I was a total bitch to the officer. Sorry officer. That being said, he was not so nice either. I was taken to a weigh station. I have no idea why. Further, paperwork, more tests...blah blah. At one point, the very angry officer tossed me against the wall, and put me in shackles. Some of you know me, some don't. I am not a large person...tall 5'10", and 120lbs.
Not really a need for the wall tossing and shackles. A bit of overkill.

I was then taken to a hospital where I was forced to give my blood for a blood alcohol test. The officer later had to open the package to re-label something. I knew that was a fatal fault in the chain of custody form. It was weird, I knew that I was drunk, I KNEW I was out of line, but I tried to hang on to the fact that the officer messed up.

My DH, and I were to be leaving for Las Vegas for our 1st anniversary in a couple of days. Oh I felt so horrible. I felt like I didn't even deserve to go. I felt so horrible, I physically hurt inside.

I like to my husband, I lied to my children, I lied to all of the few people that knew of the incident. I think they know I lied, but this is the first time I am admitting it out loud. Other than my husband, my kids, my ex-husband, and his wife, my attorney, and the few friends my kids told...no one knew.  I was so ashamed, so disgusted with myself. How can someone, so bright, with so much life experience, do something so incredibly stupid...AGAIN?!

I hired a good DUI attorney. He was expensive, but good. better than the last one. He at least knew that it was only my 2nd DUI, not the 3rd. The attorney I had for the KCDC deal did not address to the court that my violation in NY was under the legal limit. Long story short, my previous DUI was made a 1st, and this became my second. I still knew I was going to jail. The reason why ya hire the attorney is to help with the sentence.

The whole process took about a year. I was sentenced in mid-December of 2008. I was sentenced for 60 days in the Racine County Jail. I asked the judge to PLEASE let me spend the holidays with my family before I reported to jail. He did agree. I did have a condition. I had to wear a "SCRAM" ankle bracelet. It detects, alcohol by perspiration. It was a 4x4 plastic square, about and inch and a half thick.  I had a modem that was plugged into a phone line, that I had to be next to for it to upload information, to a monitoring center twice a day.

It was so crazy...I had a non-alcoholic New Years Eve party planned...It was the 2nd year...a bunch of people from AA came...HUGE party. Probably 60 ppl. I didn't tell any of them that in a couple of days I would be going to jail. The people I should have talked to, I never told. Not even my sponsor.

At that point I hated my disease. I wanted to cut it from my body like a dead limb.I wanted to gnaw it off like an animal who's leg is stuck in a trap. The party went on, I went up to my bedroom at 9:00pm to have my bracelet info uploaded, and then I returned to the party.It was a great party. Great food, great door prizes, the balloon drop went off with out a hitch. I cleaned up the house the next day.  I went shopping for the required undergarments that jail required. On January 3rd, I kissed my children good-bye, and my husband drove me to jail for a second time.

More on this later...I think that is all I have to say tonight.

I promise, PROMISE!!!!

I know, I promised more jail. I am sorry, so very sorry. I am still a bit sick. I need some sleep. I swear, that I will post more tomorrow.

That is all I have for today. So sorry more tomottow!

FORGIVE?!

I know, I know...I will follow up with more jail talk. I have been in the land of the nearly dead(or so I felt). The last few days I worked, and slept.  Feeling much better today.

I will talk about jail more. 

BUT,

Today I have something much more to talk about. Forgiveness.

Forgiveness has been long on my mind. Especially, after the whole molestation talk. I knew I had to forgive several people in my life. Some I have told in person, some don't care to listen. It doesn't matter, they are forgiven none the less.

I was shown tonight by a friend the true meaning of forgiveness. Someone I held close to my heart for a long time, someone I had mentored, someone who was so special to me. I was hurt badly by this person...it doesn't matter the reason why, no details need to be told. What I will  say is that my friend approached me. It was brave, it had been years.

We met tonight. In some ways it seemed like no time had passed, in other ways it seemed like too much time had passed.  I missed her, I was angry. I had a right to be mad...at this point it didn't matter any more.

It was so awesome that she approached me...like I was hoping, waiting for it. It took many years. Patience is a virtue, right?

We made small talk for a while...kind of like we picked up where we left off. And then, she told her story. I knew the story. We were both in tears...She had a bit of a hard time getting it out...I told her to"STOP"! Enough, I forgive you. "I forgive you."

I have had to face forgiveness in my family of late. I have forgiven. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason on the way the whole thing works.

Sometimes, ya need to say it in person, sometimes a phone call, sometimes those who are forgiven never know.

Many times we may have been forgiven and not even know it.

So forgive me for expressing my views...but you are reading my blog after all.

Sometimes we are forgiven, before we are born, in my world that means forgiven my Christ.

If HE can forgive than so can I.

Promise more about jail, Thank God I have tomorrow off!

So sorry I had every intention of blogging in depth yesterday. I seem to have acquired my hubby's sickness.  I felt fine Friday, but woke up Saturday in a world of hurt. I knew that I had to work all day today. I just tried to nap and chill to get rid of it. It didn't really work.

I went through eight of the most horrible hours at work today. Of, course, I spent most of the day in the ER. Normally, that would be fine, it makes the time fly by. Today....I had every, freak, person over 95, and every psyche patient..(including police, or guards). I have no strength, and at times was a holder(holding the patient down, while another person drew)

So glad for the day to be done...gonna eat some soup and go to bed. Thank God I have tomorrow off!

To my fans...I just don't have the courage today...

I must say that I hate to be a liar. I know I promised more jail stories. I think the next story, for me was the worst.  I had hidden it from EVERYONE, and will come clean soon.

It is just some really hard stuff. I am not ready to do it today. I can't even arrange my thoughts. My brain is a bit of a mess.

On a better note work was awesome today.

I felt so selfish yesterday. I wanted to get my required 100 successful stick in. I thought the best place to accomplish that was the ER. I was so consumed on just, getting the job done, I forgot my humanity. I am ashamed for that.

A woman about 80 came into the ER. She had had a stroke. I went into her room to draw blood...she had just returned form a CT scan. The news was not good. The Dr. asked me to step out of the room. The doctor then told me they would not need any blood drawn. I might be a newbie, but I know what that means. It means, don't bother...she is gonna die...and not too far from now.

They were married for 56 years. The husband was by her bedside....tears streaming. Her son was trying to console his father. Within the next hour all of the family came.  Children, grand children, great-grand children.

My hospital brings in a tray of food, and drinks for the loved ones of dying family members. We call it the "death tray".

So weird, amazing, and emotional. Last week I saw a baby being delivered via emergency-c-section...Yesterday I witnessed a woman take her last breaths.

I know I Promised...hang with me.

I know I promised more, and I will give more. I can't tonight,  I must be by my sick DH side. I am sure you can understand that. I promise....I promise, promise. I will write more tomorrow.

But for tonight, I have to go tend to my man.

That is all.

I know you would all love to hear about jail, but hold on...

OK, so I am in my third week of work. My DH is so sick he, after trying to attempt the shower, at 7:00am couldn't quite do it. That worries me because he is NEVER sick.  This is the first time I saw him call in sick to work. I, of course, have to go to work..new job, and all. I called to check in at 3:30pm (first chance I had) Asked him what I could bring home. He said won ton soup..and some cold medicine.  He was feeling so bad, when would I be home?

The dogs were mental. I said as soon as I could. I got his medication for the cold/flu...got his soup.I stopped home for a moment, called in his RX for regular RX..which I had no idea he was out of....got the Rx..took the dogs to the dog park. He has a mental fever. I have no thermometer. I called my ex-hubby's wife (the have many kids...I knew they would have a theorem...) they did...and were kind enough to loan it to me. I can't work the  damn thing, hubby is burning up. I gotta work another long day tomorrow.

A bit of a rough day.

I will say this......I love what I do, and I am so happy to have  a job.....No matter how long the night...I will be so ready to go in the am!

I think that is all I have to say about that.

So sorry!

I know I promised more jail stories. I am sorry..so very sorry. My hubby is sick. I think this is his first time staying home from work since I have known him.....almost 6 years now.

Forgive me, I need to help him. I promise, I promise, promise...I will tell more of the story tomorrow.

An aside...

When I started writing this blog it was mainly for ME.  I soon found that many  people could relate to what I was writing. They had similar stories. It didn't matter if it were jail, incest, or just day to day life.

It was never my intention to have so many followers. I am now so glad I do. I speak to a number of people a day, on a number of topics. I enjoy that. I enjoy helping others. I am glad that they have someone that has walked a mile in their shoes to talk with.

I was informed by some of my readers, including my DH that my jail talk was not as personal, as emotional, as it should have been. I never really planned on this all going so public.

I do understand the criticism. I feel that I am so matter of fact about the experiences, because they were so hard, and hurtful. Maybe..possibly...I talk more about fact, because feeling is so hard.

I know that the whole point of this is for me to get out all of my emotions, and feel it all...and to share with others. To share with others that have been through this mess...to share with others' families that have been through this mess.

Going forward, I will keep the above in mind.

Hold on more to come.

Jail, Jail, Jail, #2

I had forgotten to mention that I was completely out of contact with my husband, and family for the week I was at the Kenosha County Jail. There was a phone in the cell block, but an account needed to be set up and pre-paid which I didn't know. I had no way to let my DH know. I felt so alone. I am certain that was the LONGEST week of my life. I really, had lost hope of getting on "work crew". I was starting to TRY and accept the fact that my next 80 days(or at least 60 days...you get 20 days off the top for good behavior) would be spent right there...in that very small smelly, cold, dark place. A true feeling of hopelessness.

I was so grateful when the sheriff called me to be on the work crew. I was transferred that day to Kenosha County Detention Center (KCDC). The sheriff was kind enough to let me call my husband to tell him  I was being moved, and to bring me some street clothes that I would need for work crew. I would be working at  a soup kitchen/food pantry. It was actually the best work crew job to get, because we got to get out EVERY DAY to feed the hungry. When on work crew you also get 1 day off of your sentence for every 3 days worked...a nice bonus.

I got to see hubby a couple of times a week. He was allowed to meet me outside of KCDC when I went to the van in the am. He was allowed to exchange my dirty clothes for clean ones, and he would drop off cigarettes too. We were allowed a couple of smoke breaks at KCDC as long as one of the staff was with us outside.

There were about 5 of us from KCDC that when to the soup kitchen every day, another girl, myself, and 3 guys. A van picked us up from jail, and dropped us off there. On the way home there was a guy that have to have been 90 years old. He was a dirty old man to say the least. In addition to being a pervert, he was a horrible driver. Every night on the way back to jail we would have a near death experience...no lie. I was never so happy to get back to jail.

I have to say I really like working at the soup kitchen/food pantry. It really wasn't "jail" to me. In many ways I think it was a God thing.  The food pantry was open every Mon, Wed, Fri. There were 2 sessions, 1 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon. They gave out 50 numbers each session. It was so sad people would like up hours ahead of time. It broke my heart to see people turned away. The problem was there simply was not enough food. As fast as it was donated, we unloaded the trucks, stocked the shelves, and the shelves would be empty a few days later.

The soup kitchen was every day. No one was ever turned away. We made food during the day. We started serving at 4:00pm. We did a ton of dishes, mopped floors, etc. I got to know many of the people that came by name. I was glad that they at least got one meal a day, and a place to warm up for an hour or so.

I kept volunteering the after I was done with jail. DH and I served Thanksgiving Dinner there too.

So that was the work crew portion of jail...now for the jail part.

The jail part not so pleasant, as you might imagine. It was one big room for all of the people that had Huber privileges. Either the girls that left for work, school, or were on work crew some place. There were 2 rows of about 15 steel bunks. Each bunk had a metal locker, were we kept anything we were allowed to have(anything we had purchased through the jail...chips, candy bars, envelopes, pencils, tampons, ibuprofen, cards..etc).One side of the bunks there was a half wall, the wall separated the bunk area from the day room. It was really not much of a separation. there were a few tables, and chairs. After the day room, came the bathrooms. Another half wall, serrated the day room from the 3 toilets...which were out in the open. You had no problem having an up, and oh too personal chat with the person next to ya...yep ya saw, and smelled EVERYTHING. I think I pooped twice the whole time I was there. That was another reason I was grateful to go to the soup kitchen...private pooping. Forget about any private feminine hygiene moments. Just beyond the toilets, were 3 showers, no curtains. Male guards would walk into the dorm and see it all. I am so not sure that is legal, but it's jail, what are your options.

There was an identical dorm next to ours separated by a guard booth. The OTHER dorm was considered "general population". It was basically women that were tried, and awaiting sentencing, or had been sentenced, and waiting to be transferred to prison. They were much scarier than our Huber dorm.

Oh and then there was "the hole". The hole is were ya get put when you get into trouble...solitary confinement. I have no idea why it was on the Huber side. We all had to get up and go somewhere in the morning, the general population didn't. Even so, we got to hear the girls in the hole scream, pound, and yell...ALL NIGHT LONG! One night, one of the girls in the hole, decided to throw her feces around. When people were in the hole they were fed what the inmates referred to as "cat food sandwiches". I guess it was all the left over food blended together. Luckily, I never got to find out what it tasted like...I never visited the hole.

On the bunks were about a 1 inch mat, flat sheets that never actually stayed tucked in, and 1 itchy wool blanket that was only about 5 feet long.

Most of the women in my dorm were OK, some really strange, but mostly OK. Most of them were DUI's like myself. Except, the girl that I had the bunk above. She is a jail lifer. My first night there she left a note on my bunk that said, "Bitch if you step on my bunk again, I will beat you". It is nearly impossible to get on the top bunk with out stepping on the bottom bunk. Turns out it was a really good think I have such long legs. Eventually, I got a lower bunk. When a girl on a lower bunk leaves, you can request the bunk. Kind of a seniority thing.

It was nearly impossible to sleep at night. Most of the lights were left on, the guards keys jingling, constantly trying to readjust the 5 foot long wool blanket on my 5' 10' body to try and keep warm (it was freezing in there), and the screaming from the hole. I did however, learn a jail sleeping trick from my friends from the food pantry...TYLENOL PM. That was another item DH would bring during clothing exchange. We kept it in the locker at the food pantry, and would take it right before we left.

When we returned from being out during the day, we would change out of our street clothes, and into our KCDC orange. Everything was provided...top, bottoms, a sweat shirt, socks, and yes...underwear. It was nice to have the sweatshirt at night to keep warm. The underwear thing really skived me. They were granny panties, usually with no elastic. The socks were tube socks, and again had no elastic. They had no elastic, because the girls would pull out the elastic to make jail hair ties.

Once we had our street clothes off, and before we put on our KCDC orange, we did what is called "the Huber dance". The Huber dance is this; In front of a guard naked, shake out your hair, open your mouth, lift up arms, show them the bottom of your feet, and then with your back to the guard, squat and cough. They do that to make sure you are not bringing in any kind of contraband. Some of the guards were very thorough, others hardly at all. You would get to know which guards that were strict, and the ones that would pretty much just let you walk on by naked and get dressed. You also got to learn the guards' schedules, so you knew pretty much what you would be in for upon return to jail.

I had to tell you that story to tell you the next story. One day, we all expected a lenient guard to be on duty. There was a very large, I mean VERY large woman (she was on work crew at the YMCA), that tried to sneak in a prok chop in under her breast. She was very surprised to find out the lenient guard was off for some reason, and we had the toughest guard that day. When she was doing  the Huber dance, she was asked to lift up her breast...the  pork chop fell to the ground. She had a visit to the hole, and traded her prok chop for  "cat food sandwich's" for 3 days.

Jail, Jail, Jail #2a

An added bonus to my stay at KCDC, was that they were painting the jail during that time. When they painted the general population dorm, they had to stay on the Huber side. Most were on the "boats" on the floor, but some in the few empty bunks that were on our side. They stayed for a week. I was lucky enough to have an open bunk above me. One day after returning from the food pantry, the girl from general population  that was above me, was freaking out. I asked her what was wrong. She responded, "I'm freaking out, because I am  getting sentenced tomorrow. I could get up to 10 years". I stupidly asked, "What did you do?" She explained she stabbed her boyfriend. The sentence was going to be harsh, because she is a repeat offender. She stabbed her boyfriend on two SEPARATE occasions. She was gone by the time I got back from the food pantry the next day. I heard she did get 10 years. The next week the Huber dorm got the pleasure of sleeping in boats, on the general population side.

I ended up serving I think it was 45 days in jail. When I got out, I told myself, "Never again"! I am sorry to say, I was mistaken.

Jail, Jail, Jail #1

I have recently spoken of my first time in jail, which was for a couple of days in Brooklyn, NYC central booking.

I have been PROMISING to speak of my other experiences. Today I start. I have mentioned some in passing, but never got down to the nitty gritty...(nitty gritty?..what am I like 70 now).

I had given the lead up to my 1st major jail sentence a bit ago. I will not repeat the details..it was long. You can catch up if you need to. The blog title is OK OK... Working up to Jail, It may take a bit. I think it was posted on September 29th or so.

A brief back ground was I was on my way driving form New Jersey, to WI. I was driving b/c my hubby,(not my hubby at the time, and I had bought a home about 6 blocks from the kids' dad to do the right thing for the kids).

Read the original post for details.

Just know it lead to jail time. I was sentenced to 80 days in the Kenosha,WI county jail. At the time I did not work, I did not go to school.. Luckily, I did have some knowledge of how things worked, because a woman that was in my out-patient program had been to jail prior to me, at the same location. I actually would pick her up once a week from jail to go to an extended out patient program...she got out for that...she was awarded "huber". She knew of this program called..."work crew". It was a bunch of organizations that received free help from the non-violent inmates. For example, St Vincent Depaul, YMCA,  picked up trash on the side of the highway, and local food shelters. I knew I needed to get into that program. Aside from getting out on a regular basis, you would also get 1 day off your sentence for every 3 days worked.

I took this information and held it close in my back pocket. When I was sentenced was about 2 weeks prior to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. I asked the judge if I could turn myself in the weekend following..he allowed me to do so. It happened to be Memorial Day weekend. In Kenosh County you turn yourself in on Sat. am. by 8:00am.

My hubby drove me there, he sat with me in the waiting room..it was like a medical room waiting area, except, I would not be done anytime soon. I had to report to the Kenosha County Jail. Like I said, I had no job, no school...no reason for huber, BUT I was awarded huber, and with the knowledge of the "Work Crew", I had faith that I would not have to stay in the county jail proper.

Wholly shit, that was the worst place EVER!!!, and I have the ability now to judge. I actually believe that Kenosha County Jail was worse than Brooklyn Central Booking. Why? you ask? Well there was no ability for inmate  teamwork for a drink of water. Most importantly, I kept trying to ask who I need to speak with..(in a very "white " way), " With whom do I speak to about "work crew"." My question was totally ignored. I tried to say calm. I was in a cell block...6 cells, over crowding..to the point we had an additional 6 beds..they call them "boats"..on the very small common space open to the inmates from 6am-8pm. The total non-cell space was about 15x25. Also included in that space aside from the additional beds, boats...were 2 square stainless Steele tables, a single man shower(oh the shower worked on a push button...push the button it sprays for 90 seconds and stops..gotta push the button and hope ya get hot water..no shampoo...ya get a toothbrush, and a mini bar of soap), and a mounted TV on the ceiling. The channel was always the same....unless..ya finally had a guard that gave a shit...or half a shit, and was willing to lift half a finger to change the channel.

I KEPT asking the guards for information on who I needed to talk to about "work crew". I knew from my friend it was in a different, better facility. The guards told me I had to write a request form. I said, OK..where is the form? They gave me the form. I asked for a pen to fill it out. The guards would not give me a pen or pencil...they told me I had to put it on my inmate cantina request form(the cantina in jail is where ya get supplies like...pencils, envelopes, ibuprofen, candy, paper....ya get my drift). Ya can't use anything in jail unless you buy it from them.

Here in lies the problem I can't request a pencil, unless I have a pencil to make the request. Guards are such asses...Most barely have a GED and are on some power trip. I went round and round for 3 days trying to get a fucking writing utensil. I had no contact with my family...the phone in our ward did not work at the time....I had lost total contact to my husband, and kids. I was in a panic, but trying to stay calm.On the 3rd day after a whole lot of crying, and prayer ,one of the girls was going to be transferred somewhere else..she gave me her pencil. I was FINALLY able to write a request form.

Well, I was almost there I had a pencil...A broken pencil with no writing tip. I learned that cement block, and a whole lot of time..away from the cameras, creates a great pencil point.

After I wrote the form. I waited, and waited. I learned how to play spades. I am not sure why, but spades is the official "jail game". How did we have cards? You ask? Well a girl that was in our cell block, had already been in jail, and had ordered them through the jail. So when ya order stuff thought the jail, ya can take it with you from place to place with in the jail. The cards were very worn, wax almost worn off, when ya tried to shuffle they stayed bent. At least they were cards. Something to do.

I was able to write the form, and I did get "work crew" I was transferred on Wednesday.

OK more on this later.

Brooklyn Central Booking

OK, I cannot put off any longer dealing with my addiction, jail, and recovery...not all in that order, on any given day. Please understand how very hard it is for me to go into detail on this topic. I will try to be as honest, and as truthful as I can. We will be on this topic for many days, or as long as it takes me to tell my story.

I have PROMISED to tell that story, and I will. I will start today. I have told the story about my first DUI, which was not..it was a driving while impaired. I was visiting a best friend of mine that I had lived with for 4 years.  I lost my phone under my brake...went to grab it and hit 2 cars. I was under the legal limit. I spent 2 nights in Brooklyn "Central Booking". I know you have all seen "Law and Order".Pretty much like it looks on TV.  If ya ever had to spend a night in jail, Ya never wanted to spend it there.

There were two holding cells for women. There were about 20-25 women in each holding cell. The holding cell was about 20x20. It smelled, It was nasty, it was so scary..especially from a woman from Northern, WI. I know that I have spoken about this before, but I felt I needed a brief recap. Something that I forgot to include..was the fact that I was in the holding cell with, a few women that held up a store by gun point, another three or four that tried to stab their boyfriend(s), several others for prostitution, and a few for attempted murder...just to name a few. I was so afraid. I was dumped into the cell. There were a few 1/2 inch thik mats...not enough to go around for everyone...maybe like 15 or so. 1 toilet for the cell, of 25 girls. I had the only spot left to lie down..if front of the toilet. I had no mat at first...I did get a mat 15 hours later. I was still front and center of the only potty for 25 girls. Some of then smelled so bad when peeing, that some of the more well seasoned girls would bitch, "What the fuck crawled up into you pussy?, You need to wash that shit," and many just said"EWEEEE"!

 I wanted to just lay down and cry, but for some reason, I KNEW I could show no fear, or at least as little as I could. I heard, "Hey white girl..why u here"? I responed, "DUI". The most amazing, the most insane thing to me was that after I said DUI... Thsese, killers, robbers, prostitutes...said, "What ya thinkin' bitch...r u fuckin' crazy...damn...how stupid are you"?  I must say comming from THEM, I felt pretty stupid.


It is odd when people I would have judged so harshly in the past were now judging ME. I will never forget those words, or that experience. I have mentioned in previous postings, that some very awesome very large black woman protected me for almost a day and a half. She told the rest to, "Leave her alone...she is not like US". I wish I knew her name....I would like to thank her. Ya see, at that time I didn't think I was like THEM, I had the job, the clothes, the jewlery. Hell, I was waiting to be arrainged before Satudary night so I would be able to go receive top sales person award on Monday. Clearly, I must have been more important then than THEM. I now get that I was NOT. I am just the same...I am just as important as they are!

The other women's holding cell was right across the way. It held as many, if not more women. There was one gross sink between the cells. It looked a bit like the common laundry sink ya might use in a multi-unit apartment unit, in the basement ya hated to go down to...ya know with the webs, and all of the other apartment units crap was stored. Like ya would go do laundry there because it was in your building, but it was really creepy and gross...like that.

We were all given a cup to get water. One cup, one cup only. If ya didn't know the ropes, and sent your cup back on the food tray(I uses the term "food" very liberally) ...ya had no cup. The sad part was that unless a woman from the other side turned on the water for you, ya could not get water. Ya could not reach the spout and turn on the water at the same side. We had to turn on the water for the other cell, and visa versa. The bad part was there was only either a hot, or cold that either cell could reach. Sometiomes, some of the women were so broken, they would not even flip the foscet. I think they wanted to die.

I did get arrainged, the last person on Saturday, at 11:55pm: I was grateful. I had a great friend waiting for me in court to pick me up. I was able to go receive my 'TOP SALSEMAN" award on Monday. I SWORE I would never be in that place again. Well I was never in Brooklyn Central Booking again...I have spent more than 2 nights in jail...more on that to come...

I will expand more on that tomorrow....I think that is about enough for today.

Slamming Down the Patient

I thought I would just share a quick note on my first week of work, before I get on to some more heavy topics. 

 I am so very sorry I have not posted in a couple of days. I was having a bit of writer's block on how I wanted to address jail, and alcoholism. The problem wasn't that I didn't know WHAT to say...more that I have soooo MUCH to say. I have been trying to think of a way to tell it.  I am not so sure I have it figured out anymore today, than I did I few days ago,   but I am going to jump into it tonight. I probably won't get it posted until after work tomorrow.

But before that....

Ok so It was my first week of work. I am so VERY grateful to have been hired. I was so excited, and nervous. The first day was corporate training, with all of the other recent hires from all sites. Not the most exciting, but good. The second day, I was at my hospital site. Again, mostly site orientation. I got a TON of information, and a bunch of '"homework" in need to complete in the first year. But, I was excited....got to wear my scrubs...I kinda was feeling the part. Took a tour of the hospital, and I was thinking, "How the hell am I going to remember where everything is." My trainer pointed out the mental health floor as we passed. Strangely, that doesn't worry me. The person giving the tour is my, "buddy", my go to person for any questions. She was almost alarmed at how calm I was about the "mental health ward."....Little does she know, how I am used to "secured surroundings".

I had the next day off. Thursday, I was scheduled at 4:30am. I was going on the floors for the 1st time as a phlebotomist. It was my understanding that I would just be observing that day...NOT!! I happened to be paired with one of the Department heads. I showed up bright eyed-and bushy tailed....or as much like that as you can after waking up in a panic, every hour all night in the worry that ya might oversleep. Anyway, I was on-time, and promptly found her, and said, "I am ready to go." She was a bit grumpy, and asked,"Are YOU supposed to be with me"? I said, nervously, "yes". She said, "Go get your schedule!" I did, and in fact it showed I was where I was supposed to be. She obviously was not thrilled about this situation. She lamented, "It would be nice if I were informed of these things". I tried to shoot a half of a smile and nodded.

Off to the floors with supply cart in hand, a not too happy trainer, and a REALLY nervous me. So she said right away, "ok YOU"RE UP". I was thinking, "What?, can't I watch one or two, I have never drawn anyone in a hospital bed" (my internship was in a clinic).  I think if I wasn't so tense, I would have peed a little. Oh, and I should since mention my 3 week internship, which ended in August, I had not even touched a needle. I know I have mentioned before...at least I think I have, that my nervous reaction is to shake. Great when ya have a needle in your hand...NOT. I knew I was going to shake, because I had the same experience my first few day on the internship. I wished at that moment, I were a nervous puker, or sweater.  I  became very confident, and proficient by the end of my internship, but I still knew I would have the stupid shaking thing my first few days  at the hospital.

The first patient, was a difficult draw...major scar tissue on his arm, so I had to draw his hand.   I I was shaking so bad, that if I were brushing my teeth, I wouldn't need an electric toothbrush. SO, compund the shaking, with having a not thrilled department head watching, and never having the experience of drawing in a hospital, and ya have a reciepe for disaster. I did tell my supervisor that I was very nervous, and had not drawn since August.

I did manage to sucessfully get the draw. I think the fact that the patient wasn't really awake helped. The needles they use at the hospital were different than the ones I trained on, so I couldn't figure out how to close the saftey when I was done. One of the MOST important things when drawing blood, is to immediately close the needle. The next room was not much better.

The 3rd room...disaster. I went to put the arm of the bed down, I hit the wrong button. I slammed the very elderly woman down from 90 degrees to FLAT. When I say, "slammed", I MEAN it". The woman started crying, and wimpering, "It hurts, it hurts", and moaning. The nurse cam in and said, "HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT'?! I pretty much wanted to run away and cry. All of this was before 5:00am.

My supervisor asked me,"What is wrong with you". I told her again that I was nervous, in a different setting, and that I had not drawn since August" She asked where I had worked last. I told her, "At the greenhouse".As soon as I said that I felt even MORE like an idiot. It was one of those moments when ya see the stupid word bubble above your head, and just want to erase it, or pull it back. Immediately, after I realized my stupidness I responded,"Oh drawing blood?...No place yet this my first job". She just looked at me and shook her head, "I thought you had like 2 years experience". "Nope", I responded. She at least understood why I was such a wreck.  She is not the one that interviewd, and hired me. I had thought she would have gotten the memmo on the fact that I had just finished school.I ovserved her the rest of the rounds.

The rest of the day got better. I was with a different person for the second half of the day.  She was not nearly as intimidating as my supervisor. I did a few more draws that day.

I spent some of the time in the ER. That was kind of entertaining. There was a woman there, she was on her way up to the mental health floor.  When we went to get her draw, there were 3 security guards outside of  her door. She was trying to smoke in her room.

Friday went really well. I was in the Out Patient clinic all day. I drew all day long. I had calmed down a ton from the day before. Some shaking in the beginnig of the day, great by the end. The supervisor I had been with the day before, asked to see my log sheet(I have to be oberved for the 1st 100 draws, and write them all down). She was very suprised when she saw I hadn't missed one all day. I had a great helpful trainer/observer. I was in a clinic setting, which helped me get my confidence back, and hit my stried.

I  hope I still have that same confidence on Monday.

I was telling my hiring supervisor on Friday about the whole bed tradegy the day before. He mentiond, that the supervisor makes people that have been drawing blood for years feel nervous. He also told me a strory about when he was training. He told me a guy died WHILE he was drawing his blood. At least I didn't have anyone die on me last week.