Parenting Sucks

Uh,

Sometimes I HATE being a parent. Especially when it comes to discipline.  I am soooo bad at it, Yet ,I know the kids need it. It still blows.

Funny thing...I KNOW my mom would yell at me for saying "sucks", "ladies don't use that word" rings in my head. Mom get out of my head already! Sometimes things SUCK, and unfortunately there is no other word to describe it.

I have never been very good a discipline, especially with the guilt of divorce, and alcholoism. I felt like I "understood my kids" I felt bad for them for the situation of divorce. I was not strict.

I think in some ways it worked. My DD never had a curfew, and mostly hung out at home( I love when the kids and friends are here) She never abused it and ALWAYS asked permission if she would be out usually late...Same with the boy so far same set of rules, He has never abused curfew, and although we have had issues...none so much as last night. I will not go into details because that is our private life. I will say that I have begun to question my parenting.

I have ALWAYS told the kids they could tell me anything...and meant it...AND they have. I questioned my DS when I thought he was having sex...He told me the truth. Many moms will disagree with me when I found he did have sex( he told the truth), and told him if he could not afford a condom...one will be provided for him. ....Note to moms...you may judge me...go ahead...I would rather be proactive then oblivious. When they start they will never stop...duh, it is sex after all.


O.K. back to the topic...discipline. I am an addict, a drunk...I still smoke. I hate that I can't quit. My DS has been taking smokes from me, even butts from the ashtray. I have resorted to...for quite some time...flushing the butts, watching my pack every moment he is here, and sleeping with my purse under my pillow.

I hate that...I hate that I see me in him. I am so worried...I REALLY don't want him to follow my path. Last night we came to blows...I busted him smoking...and a bit more...I took his phone away...he, Of COURSE pulled the "drunk card" on me...REALLY bad for the guild ridden mom, that SUCKS at discipline.

He then left the house for a long time, which resulted in me having to call his father(luckily we live about a half mile from each other), DS was not there, called his friends, sent my hubby step-dad to make the rounds at his friends to find him. Dad sd...let him be...the worst that can happen where we live, if he is out all night,  is bug bites.

Long story longer, he IS home safe, and we did talk. BUT he pulled at my heart strings...as he ALWAYS does. We had a good talk, but then I said, "Glad we talked, but you STILL don't get your phone back".

Probably the first time I never caved. Man I so get the, It hurts me more than you thing.

I guess the dog story will still have to wait.