Final thoughts on Incest

I have a few final thoughts I need to share before I put the incest chapter of my life to rest. I needed a day to take a step back, and think.

I regret nothing I said. I only told the truth; it was important for me to do so. I love my family very much, that does not mean I always have to like them. The story I shared was not to cause them hurt, I told it to keep me healthy. If there is one thing I have learned in my 40 years on this earth...it is that secrets cripple, and could possibly kill. At the very least they cause grey hair and wrinkles....Sorry, just had to lighten up for a bit.

I was told to, "Get over it, and to let it go." I was told, "To get rid of the chip on my shoulder." Thankfully, I have been through enough therapy to understand, those were the words of someone who is still sick. I KNOW that my mom witnessed, and probably experienced sexual abuse on a regular basis...as did her brothers. I can't even begin to imagine what that does to a person. I can understand that she said, "Get over it, " because her life was so tormented it did not even compare.

All that being said, ONE TIME, JUST ONE TIME..IS NOT OK...IT WILL NEVER BE OK. That is exactly the behavior that needs to be stopped. I am sure that my experience paled in comparison, to my mother's. I am sorry mom....that is NOT my problem. I am not the warped one, that would allow this man to be at a family function, instead of me.

My mom asked me, after they found out what had happened, when I was 14...seven years after it had happened, "Did I want to go to therapy?" I said, "NO!" Really, I was 14, going through enough adolescent crap, the last thing I wanted to do was dredge up, crap that happened 7 years ago. She dropped it, I really don't think she knew what to do. I am telling ANYONE, and EVERYONE, if you are reading this, and God forbid, you have to deal with anything like this...get the kid therapy. Be the adult!

Sure this happened one time. That is all it took.

All that being said, I know that I need to find forgiveness. I know as a Christian, I have to forgive to find peace. It is not easy. I have to forgive, that wretched man, I have to forgive my mother, and father, my brother for allowing HIM in his home, my sister for telling me not to tell. I know many of you who read this, may  be thinking,"How can you forgive those things?"

I have learned it is more damaging to ME to not forgive. It is not up to me to punish anyone. I leave that in God's hands. As the saying  goes.."it is like drinking posion myself, and expecting the other person to die."

I am so trying to forgive. It is going to take some time. I know if I don't it will eat me up inside...just like it has been all these years.

Funny thing about that day when I was at g/ma's house at 14. My Uncle's hands were gnarled. It was like nothing I had ever seen before or since. I guess it was bone spurs...I remember thinking, "Maybe that was God's way of punishment."

I have one other guilty thing to get off my chest. I KNEW he had several children...many girls. I have no idea if he abused them or not. I always carried the guilt, that if they were abused, it was my fault. I could have stopped it if I would have told sooner.

His wife left him, when he was put into military jail for sexual abuse...again I don't know any details. I never was able to speak with my cousins again.

So don't keep the secrets.