Jail, Jail, Jail #6

Let's see so where I left off, I was trying not to interrupt my DH's serenity. I also mentioned it was, for some reason a turning point in my recovery. I can't exactly explain why, or how. However, in that moment of admitting to the cop I had drank, a weight was lifted that day. I was calm when I called my DH, and told him the news.  At this point, I believe some Divine intervention.

I KNEW that more jail was eminent even in that moment. My whole attitude toward it was of strange peace. I didn't have the feeling of , "How can I get out of this". It was more of, "OK let's address this, and get through it as soon as possible".

I hired a lawyer. I explained that I intended to plead guilty. I just needed her legal guidance in the process. She was the first decent lawyer I have ever met in any capacity. She made sure that I had a "FAIR" judge. Not lenient, not harsh,...fair. I was well aware that a "fair" sentence would be around 6 months. A huge concern of mine was to get through the court system, and in, and out of jail by My DD's graduation from high school. Actually, that was really my only major worry, or want.

I will tell you all about how the sentencing, and graduation worked out tomorrow.

What I do want to include right now is how I felt about this time last year. My pastor had asked the congregation for stories of hope. He used both mine, and my DH's during the service. Mine follows, I will ask him later tonight if I can include his tomorrow.

I am quite sure that I will not be able to keep this to half a page: My apologies for that in advance. Please try and hang in because what I have to say may be quite important. I have learned time and time again that “I” am not very important…but the message I may bring can be the most important one of all. Please use what you can and leave the rest.




This has been a trying year in many ways, my husband has struggled with depression, we have had financial trials, and my father, and my rock…can no longer tell time anymore, due to his progressive disease. The only way I can get through all of these things are only faith, and HOPE. I feel however, the following is my best example of how faith and hope has most recently affected my life.






“I am an alcoholic, I don’t care who knows it, but it is important that I never forget it”. I borrow this phrase from a good man whom I respect. I think there can be many parallels between any addiction, the path to recovery; and the path to believing and following Christ. I have seen them both first hand.






Myself, I have struggled with both in my life time. At time in conjunction, but mostly individually. I have learned that both a commitment to recovery and a commitment to God are not too dissimilar. I feel that with both there are many components. Puzzle pieces if you will. For example, fellowship, community, the word, caring the message, and prayer. If one does some, but not all, the puzzle is never complete.






I learned recently a hard lesson in my recovery. I wasn’t doing all the work; I thought I was better than my community. I had heard the same story OVER and OVER again. I thought I GOT IT. I was still not drinking, still in “in the word” (daily AA readings), still talking with people on the phone. I did not, and chose not to be in meetings…”fellowship.”






A few months ago when things were going well, and I “thought” everything was under control. On a Tuesday, on the way to school, I thought it was a good time to buy, and consume a half pint of vodka. Why? I have no good reason…it’s a confusing disease. That is a fact, and not an excuse. I was wrong in that I wasn’t properly treating the disease. I did have immediate guilt. I did turn around to go home and not drive any further. I was on my way back home, and I saw a car with smoke coming from the hood. There were kids about my kids’ ages. I pulled over to see if they needed help. I offered my AAA card for a tow. The police arrived shortly. They asked me why I was there…I told them I stopped to help and gave the kids my AAA card. WELL…. The officer could smell the booze on my breath, and asked if I had been drinking. I said “yes.” An immediate whorl of panic, and dread plagued my brain. I KNEW I was in some pretty big trouble…AGAIN. Although, I begged God in that moment for help not to be in trouble, I knew what the outcome would be. I KNEW that I was completely out of line, and I also knew at that moment that I had not been doing what I should have been doing, in my AA program, and with Christ. I had taken myself out of the community. I thought I was better than that, or so I thought. I had put myself in the driver’s seat.






Working with God, and Christ is so much the same. We need to work all parts as I spoke of earlier. If we leave out even one piece the puzzle will never be completed. I know this in both recovery, and in my spiritual growth, but sometimes I just don’t do it. We all need to be involved in EVERY area.






Ok here is the cool thing. As hard as it was for me to be handcuffed in the back of a squad car AGAIN…I heard the dispatcher saying…”So you have a DUI AND a good Samaritan in the same stop?” The officer replied, “no, the DUI IS the good Samaritan.”






Sense then I have had my hinney in a whole lot of meetings. I have brought some new people to Riverwood that I have met at the meetings. I should have met them earlier, but I chose not to be part of that community. I don’t know…maybe they will stay, maybe not. I know that I was not fulfilling hope in the times I chose not to be in the community. I wasn’t there so I could neither help others in AA, nor spread the message of Christ. I feel that spreading the message IS hope. I know that I am right where I am supposed to be, and that I have to have faith in God. HOPE!






I have to try to stay out of the driver’s seat and just have hope. Hope that if I can just be quite for a moment and listen I will be directed in the right way.






Today I have so much hope. I am so very grateful for my husband, and family to see me through this difficult time.






I have even a greater hope that I can be a better disciple in that I have learned over, and over how not to do things. What does not work. The program of Christ is simple, the same as it is in AA (a Christ based program), Surrender, believe, read the word, live and be in the community, and carry the word. Seems so simple. Why do we complicate it?






I thank all of those around me who are so understanding, and supportive. I will be away for a few months. I do think I did something wrong, and do deserve some punishment. I am not sure what it should be, but I will deal with whatever the outcome may be. I am not ashamed to tell my community what I have done. Shame and guilt are good and important emotions. I also do know that we do no one any help if we are stuck in them. They are only emotions meant to exist for a short time. We need to move through them quickly so we can grow and evolve into a better person. We need to evolve into hope, and faith. In these emotions we can help others. We can grow our community, we can become stronger.






I have learned in the last several years through difficult times comes growth. I surely believe that. I also believe that hope, and faiths are what have always gotten me through rough times, even when I did not realize it. The really neat thing now is that I KNOW that faith, and hope will always be the way of my life even if on occasion I have to get through shame and guilt to get there.






It’s Christmas day. A good friend of mine died today. He chose not to use every puzzle piece. I cry for him, but mostly I am sad that he couldn’t put all of the pieces together before he passed. I will carry his message that if we can help one another and live in hope; we will be able to make the pieces fit together. Again, this message applies to all of us. Make it work…we all need to do our part.