OK, So I know I have spoken recently about having gone back home. I had not been home in almost 3 years. I had fear. I had frustration. I didn't want to go home.
Home was a place I had left behind me. I had traveled the world. I had lived in NYC. I thought for many years I was "better" than home. The truth is, I was afraid of home.
Home had many good memories for me in the past, but in the recent years, I saw no use for it. I found it depressing.
I must clarify, that the fact that I didn't want to go home, has nothing to do with my love of my family. My family is crazy, just the same as anyone else's. My family has been super supportive through my divorce, addiction, and several jail sentences. Oh, don't get me wrong they will tell me how they feel, but I know they do it out of love.
I just guess that it is so hard for me to see my dad in a different stage of life. I worry about my mom having to be constantly on duty for dad. It is very hard for me to accept. I worry for them. I worry about them. I have felt like a looser because my fear of my own feelings have prevented me from being home more often.
I am glad I went, and took my boy. The DS, and I had some pretty good bonding experiences.
I am glad that I went, because I had not golfed with my dad in almost 20 years. I am glad I went that I could help my mom in the gardens. The gardens she has not been able to get to because she has been putting off a knee surgery for far too long to attend to dad.
Dad may not know exactly who I am. I do believe he knows that I was an important person in his life. Or at least for that week the important person that took him golfing. By the way, golf is one thing he has not forgotten.
Dad owns his own golf cart. Mom told me he was not to drive the cart. On our first outing, I thought..how bad can it be? I let dad drive. WELL...dad got into the driver's seat. Dad really cannot drive the cart. We were in the fairway, a few over, not the right fairway. I felt a bit like I was in charge of "Rain Man". However, my dad, my dear dad, was the most lucid on the golf course. I must say, that my DS, and I had to plan who would tee off first. So it would be the kids, because, he is on the "men's" tee. So it was a bit funny, cuz dad wanted to drive. It was a race for the tee, and dad can move pretty fast. I feel like it was something out of a spoof movie, but no just life. We could talk, he got to give his grandson golf pointers...he was so happy.
Every morning Dad woke me up. The first day is started at about 7am. Each day he woke me up a half hour earlier. At the end of the week I was up at 3:00am. He would poke his head into my room and sweetly say."Time to get up." I would respond, "OK, dad I will be right there, and make the coffee". Dad and I would sit watching stupid TV shows. I would then go out to garden...pull weeds, plant planters..etc. He was my right hand man. We talked a ton. We talked about the same subject MANY MANY MANY times. It didn't bother me though.
It must be hard, so hard for mom to deal with it day in, and day out. I give her major kudos!!! GO MOM!!! For me, that week, it was a blessing. I was so very grateful for the time with dad. He may not remember me, he may not know my name, but I do believe he knows some how, some way that I belong to him.
I almost did not go. I thought it would be too difficult. It is easier to avoid. I had a very good friend that set my ass right. I am so thankful that she did.
I would have not changed that week for the world. I am so very happy I went.
I must also include that I am so very grateful that my brother, and his fiance are also so close to mom n dad. I am grateful for their help. I know it must be so hard to be there every day. TY!!!!
Home was a place I had left behind me. I had traveled the world. I had lived in NYC. I thought for many years I was "better" than home. The truth is, I was afraid of home.
Home had many good memories for me in the past, but in the recent years, I saw no use for it. I found it depressing.
I must clarify, that the fact that I didn't want to go home, has nothing to do with my love of my family. My family is crazy, just the same as anyone else's. My family has been super supportive through my divorce, addiction, and several jail sentences. Oh, don't get me wrong they will tell me how they feel, but I know they do it out of love.
I just guess that it is so hard for me to see my dad in a different stage of life. I worry about my mom having to be constantly on duty for dad. It is very hard for me to accept. I worry for them. I worry about them. I have felt like a looser because my fear of my own feelings have prevented me from being home more often.
I am glad I went, and took my boy. The DS, and I had some pretty good bonding experiences.
I am glad that I went, because I had not golfed with my dad in almost 20 years. I am glad I went that I could help my mom in the gardens. The gardens she has not been able to get to because she has been putting off a knee surgery for far too long to attend to dad.
Dad may not know exactly who I am. I do believe he knows that I was an important person in his life. Or at least for that week the important person that took him golfing. By the way, golf is one thing he has not forgotten.
Dad owns his own golf cart. Mom told me he was not to drive the cart. On our first outing, I thought..how bad can it be? I let dad drive. WELL...dad got into the driver's seat. Dad really cannot drive the cart. We were in the fairway, a few over, not the right fairway. I felt a bit like I was in charge of "Rain Man". However, my dad, my dear dad, was the most lucid on the golf course. I must say, that my DS, and I had to plan who would tee off first. So it would be the kids, because, he is on the "men's" tee. So it was a bit funny, cuz dad wanted to drive. It was a race for the tee, and dad can move pretty fast. I feel like it was something out of a spoof movie, but no just life. We could talk, he got to give his grandson golf pointers...he was so happy.
Every morning Dad woke me up. The first day is started at about 7am. Each day he woke me up a half hour earlier. At the end of the week I was up at 3:00am. He would poke his head into my room and sweetly say."Time to get up." I would respond, "OK, dad I will be right there, and make the coffee". Dad and I would sit watching stupid TV shows. I would then go out to garden...pull weeds, plant planters..etc. He was my right hand man. We talked a ton. We talked about the same subject MANY MANY MANY times. It didn't bother me though.
It must be hard, so hard for mom to deal with it day in, and day out. I give her major kudos!!! GO MOM!!! For me, that week, it was a blessing. I was so very grateful for the time with dad. He may not remember me, he may not know my name, but I do believe he knows some how, some way that I belong to him.
I almost did not go. I thought it would be too difficult. It is easier to avoid. I had a very good friend that set my ass right. I am so thankful that she did.
I would have not changed that week for the world. I am so very happy I went.
I must also include that I am so very grateful that my brother, and his fiance are also so close to mom n dad. I am grateful for their help. I know it must be so hard to be there every day. TY!!!!
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