When Mothers Attack.

I don't know where to start. I was doing charity garden work, ran a couple of errands, took the dogs to the dog park. It was a very pleasant day, after a bit of a rough week of facing difficult family stuff in my blog.


My mom had called the house, then my cell.  I was unable to get my cell, so I called the house as I was on the way home from the dog park...DS answered, sd g/ma had called. During my conversation w/ DS, g/ma(mom) called my cell again..I picked up. She was ranting, That my brother, had let her know what I posted on FB "How could I say, those things about she, and her family on FB?" I explained I didn't say them on FB..it was a blog..She never stopped screaming.  I am not angry at my brother for sharing those things with her..I figured he would. I had hoped her response would be different. I expected  pain, I expected confusion, I expected questions. I didn't expect to have to take cover from mom shrapnel. I didn't expect HER to BLAME me. I was wishing for, hoping for something else.I have seen my mom pretty mad many times, never this angry, never this spiteful.  We usually have Thanksgiving at our home...we enjoy when we can entertain, especially the family... She very spitefully included, before she hung up, "AND WE WILL NOT BE AT YOUR HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING!!!" I thought, that a VERY interesting response, considering her brother that raped  her sister, and  had harmed me in unspeakable ways, was welcome at a family reunion. As she was SCREAMING I tried to tell her." I never uses names. "I tried to get a word in edge wise, it never happened, she wouldn't listen. I told her I would be home in a few mins, and would call her back. There is an interesting saying in AA, "When you point one finger at another, there are three pointing back at you."

I did call her back. She said," I am so hurt and embarrassed." I said, "Really, how do you think I felt after being paired in  foursome with a man... your brother that violated me?" How do you think I felt, When HE was allowed to be at a family gathering at my brother's home?" I am sure she never heard what I said. She never shut-up enough to listen. She, "FORBID ME to write about her again." So sorry mom, I know have a voice. Not to hurt you...to help me.

I think that is why I have been so hesitant to talk about these things. I feel that to be honest, I will hurt others. The fact of the matter is, I have lived in a, "Don't rock the boat" family for so long, I am not sure if many of them even KNOW what normal is anymore.

"Yes, Mother..this IS embarrassing!!!" Your brother, is not embarrassed...he is still very sick. It's not his fault, he grew up in a sick home...It is not your fault either. He is, and should be held accountable for his actions! BUT, most of all IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!!

What, I don't understand, from my mother...is that she just doesn't get that this process helps me. I am not doing this to her her, or anyone else in my family. I have said it so many times...Secrets KILL! I know it...I have lived it.

I am a drunk..I have talked about it many times..and will again. Same thing...be honest, or be dead. I choose life, and honesty. Sadly it is not very pretty sometimes.

My mother screamed in a moment that I could truly barely  understand what she was saying, but then I finally understood what she said, "WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ABOUT YOURSELF?!"  Clearly she really has not read the blog. I tried, again to speak with her, and explain, that in fact, I write about all of my drama...usually my own personal drama.  She hung up. actually twice, I called her back once. I got so angry, I chose not to a third time. I have been nothing but honest here, and will continue to do so. If my mom chooses not to speak to me anymore, because I told the truth...WOW, that will be hard to take. At least, it won't eat me up from the inside out. I will NOT, "Just get over it."

I have been in so many places I have not been proud of. I admit them. I have made so many mistakes, as a person, as a parent, but I admit them. I am willing to correct, and change.  Before, my mom hung up the last time, she made it a point to talk about the "stripper years...oh and how I "left" my children. I fully admit I was a stripper, I had a need to control men. I wonder why? I NEVER left my kids, I worked abroad, a couple of times while modeling( about a month at a time). I was, separated during one of the times. I may have  had marriage issues um..because I was violated, by your brother, and no one dealt with it? As ya might imagine, especially, after finding out  my ex-husband cheating on me with in the first year of marriage..(I was still married 9 more years). I might have been a bit confused. Especially, on how inappropriate male/female behavior was addressed in my family.

No mom, I don't blame you for being so crazy...Maybe, I should just expect it. You did not have the best role models. I will, be so sorry if we don't speak again, but I need to tell the truth for me...not you, not your family, for me. I would hope, as your child you would understand. I am sorry you do not. Maybe, just maybe, you need to think about that long and hard....Again, I don't use names...but I cannot prevent others' comments either.

Mom, guess what? Within only 2 days, of writing this blog, on the "secret subject" ...there have been a number of women who have contacted me about incest. Woman, that may not have otherwise. I am sorry mom, I don't want to hurt you, I just want to hurt less..I want other women to hurt less. They need help, just like I do.

I am sorry if you don't forgive me...I forgive you. I love you.